Sam Hanna quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Nate

Bowling, it's great competition, builds camaraderie and you get to wear those funny shoes.

[Unison] No bowling!

Nate

Okay, what about the cowboy bar on Sunset?

Hetty

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Sam

They have a mechanical bull, Hetty.

Hetty

Oh, no, never mind.

Callen

He hasn't been around long enough to make enemies, Sam.

Sam

So what are you saying? It was random?

Callen

Maybe. I mean, bad things happen in this town.

Sam

Wrong place, wrong time? Come on, G!

Callen

He's a kid. Driving down an alley in a bad part of town. It's as good as anything else we got.

Sam

Which is a lot of nothing! You know as well as I do, no one gets snatched for nothing.

Callen

Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Nate

Oh, I don't know. Let's see. Sam gets made. They kill him. Then you, Kensi and the others storm the place and the Dutchman releases the toxin killing all of you and half of Los Angeles.

Which half?

Nate

I'm going to go brief the Director.

Sam

Whoa, not cool.

Callen

Definitely not cool.

Sam

You want me to handle this?

Callen

Knock yourself out.

Sam

[Examines the box, and pulls out a king cobra]It's stuffed, it's a king cobra, its venom could kill a grown man inside fifteen minutes.

Callen

I thought these things were bigger.

Sam

Yeah, not so big until he stretched out and locked on to your butt.

Callen

You really have a GSA class six safe in your den?

Sam

Told you, I have to keep my valuables safe.

Callen

What valuables?

Sam

[laughs] I have a mint condition Patrick Ewing rookie card, a football signed by the 1986 New York Giants and the entire run of the Silver Surfer comic book series. Plus, a couple of tickets for the Lakers-Knicks tomorrow night. And they're both spoken for.

Callen

What else?

Sam

What do you mean, what else? Why does there have to be a what else?

Callen

Because that was way too easy. [Sam laughs] And because that is your 'I'm hiding something' laugh.

Sam

There is nothing else.

Callen

There is definitely something else.

Sam

[pulling up in front of a suspect's house] We're here.

Callen

That can't be it.

Sam

Conversation's over.

Callen

Is this a Navy Seal thing?

Sam

I'll show you a Navy Seal thing. [They get out of the car]

Callen

I'm waiting.

Sam

I have a Michael Jackson glove, from the Bad tour in '87. He threw it out in the front row of the Madison Square Garden show.

Callen

One of those white gloves?

Sam

He was the King of Pop, G.

Callen

Yeah. With the sequins?

Sam

The King of Pop.

Callen

Why was it just the one glove and not two?

Sam

If you have to ask, you just don't get it.

Sam

Then why pay a heist crew? Why not hire a hacker?

Eric

Because banks have unique security protocols for funds frozen by the FBI. You have to have physical access to the actual terminal to move the money.

Callen

But that's never stopped you before.

Eric

Well, most hackers don't have access to the toys that I do. I can make us all very wealthy in about two minutes. [Sam & Callen stare at him] I mean if you wanted me to. [They keep staring] Not that you would want me to, not that I would want to. I'm just saying... you know.

Sam

You don't have a TV, you don't read the newspaper, you clearly don't spend any time getting ready.

Callen

Well, maybe I was working out.

Sam

Heh, you don't work out.

Callen

I run.

Sam

Yeah, when people are shooting at us!

Callen

Mm-hmm. Alright, you know what? I slept in.

Sam

With who? You barely sleep.

Callen

There's nobody.

Sam

Come on, I think it would be great for you to be in a relationship.

Callen

Sam, how many times are we going to have this conversation- you are my partner not my mother.

Sam

(makes a womans voice) I just want you to be happy and find a good girl.

Sam

What are the chances this isn't a suicide?

Eric

I'd say zero percent.

Callen

What do you know that we don't?

Eric

Mmmmm... The words to every TV theme song?

Hetty

I see that the ice and aspirin club is at it again. Every time I come here, I feel like I've stepped into a damn Hardy Boys novel. I gather that you couldn't talk your way out of this one?

Callen

Yeah, we had a little bit of a language barrier.

Sam

And a 'I want you dead' barrier.

Eric

[on a segway] I'm a firm believer that what you drive reflects who you are.

Sam

[chuckles] Exactly.

Eric

Whatever.

Sam

[looking at Callen] The way you drive.

Nate

What Admin Division is encrypted?

Sam

The ones used to cover something confidential.

Sam

Take Kensi. [Everyone looks at Sam] Yeah, you heard me. I know you're taking PCH. I'm not sitting in traffic. So, I'll find out everything I can about Yeoman Rush. You two suck exhaust for the next two hours.

Callen

You suit yourself. Come on Kens. Hey, what do you say we, uh, stop for some donuts?

Kensi

I love donuts.

Sam

You didn't say anything about donuts!

Sam

You gotta admire their spirit. One tragedy after another, and they just keep moving on.

Kensi

You have to otherwise, it eats you alive.

Hey, what about me, huh? I-I got radiation poisoning. Come - come on. I-I need medical attention.

Sam

Hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna give you two of these, okay? This will help you. [Drops two pills in Omar's mouth.] Alright, better?

Hey man! These are breath mints!

Sam

Never underestimate the importance of good oral hygiene.

Hetty

Wushu is the Chinese martial art with 18 arms or weapons. I prefer the steel whip or the meteor hammer, but you have to stay in practise with all of them.

Callen

No doubt. I mean, you never know when a horde of murderous Mongols are gonna come galloping over Laurel Canyon.

Eric

[blows a whistle from the balcony to the rest of the team] All hands on deck.

Callen

[to Hetty] You gave him a whistle?

Hetty

Oh, do I look as if I've gone daft? I'd sooner give a chain saw to a spider monkey. At least I took his Segway away. I'll speak to Mr. Beale.

Sam

Sooner than later, okay. Because the next time he toots that thing, he won't be using his lips.