[Randy throws a chocolate bar at Earl, it lands on the floor. Earl fights Randy for the other bar and it falls out his mouth.]
EEarl
Mine's the one in the wrapper.
S1Didn't Pay Taxes
S1Dad's Car
So, Catalina, what are you doing for your mother on Mother's Day?
My mother is dead.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Eh, it's okay. It was either her or me.
BRBilly Reed
You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [Holds up four fingers] Four.
BRBilly Reed
You scared? Is that it growed up Earl? You're scared I'll take another car off you? Huh? You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [Holds up five fingers] Five.
EEarl
Mom, Dad hates me.
KHKay Hickey
You know, hate is a strong word.
CHCarl Hickey
Kay, I remembered the combination, 3-14-89, it's the day Earl moved out.
S1Y2K
EEarl
Where is everybody, we've gone 10 blocks and haven't seen a soul.
Maybe they're hiding.
Marco? Polo!
Were not in the damn pool, you idiot! Olly olly oxen free!
EEarl
Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?
Give me your wife!
EEarl
I'm not giving you my wife, Donny; pick a snack food.
Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.
EEarl
Donny!
Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!
EEarl
Is the favor giving you my wife?
Yep!
S1Boogeyman
[Albie has tricked his father and the police into thinking Earl and Randy kidnapped him.]
AAlbie
[shouting] They said they'll kill me if you don't give us pizza!
Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.
Earl, it's almost two. Can we watch Win, Lose, Or Draw?
S1Bounty Hunter
She can't knock my teeth out! I'm going to be the first person in my family to get to 30 with all her originals.
S1Stole a Badge
It's like one of them crazy-assed Australian wooden Frisbees.
Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.
EEarl
That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the Octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cuz that just has failure written all over it.
S1BB
PProsecutor
Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.
That's a lie!
PProsecutor
Show the tape.
[patrol car dash cam begins to play]
[on the dash cam] Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day, but would you like to have sex with me for money?
DADefense Attorney
Uh, your Honor, I'd like to resign as this woman's counsel.
He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
EEarl
Randy, baloney isn't your favorite food, animal crackers are.
No, they're my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?
S1Number One
If he's dead and you give that money to his stoned horny mom, I'm going to kill you!
Patty, you really got to stop biting your nails.
Don't tell me. Tell the mayor. [whispering] He's a nibbler.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Name Is Earl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.