Earl quotes from My Name Is Earl

[narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a "Tall Boy" at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.

Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

Karma. You gotta love it!

We should have taken back roads, but how often do you get to surf a giant hot dog down main street?

Mine's the one in the wrapper.

Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.

No, what was weak was sitting in that room talking about your feelings.

Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, and then they punch something that has nothing to do with what they're mad at.

[narrating] Then it hit me like a headbutt.

Whoa! So. You guys are kissin'. What's that about?

It was like some crazy cross between Rocky and Supermarket Sweep.

Randy

You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.

Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.

Randy

Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.

[narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.

Randy

You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Thanks Earl. But won't it hurt if I throw a knife in your leg ?

Ah, don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out, and stick it back in.

I'm proving my love to you.

By burning a swastika in my yard?

Dammit. [tries to stomp out the fire, then his shoe gets kicked into black guy's window; black guy throws it back out]

WE'RE NOT MOVING!