Randy quotes from My Name Is Earl

Randy

Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

Randy

If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

Randy

[on discovering a laptop] Hey look, a porn machine!

Randy

Earl, it's almost two. Can we watch Win, Lose, Or Draw?

Randy

It's like one of them crazy-assed Australian wooden Frisbees.

Randy

If he's dead and you give that money to his stoned horny mom, I'm going to kill you!

Randy

I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!

Randy

Thank God you woke me. I was having an eight hour dream about a ball of yarn. It was so boring, I tried to go to sleep, but I already was.

Catalina

This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.

Randy

How many have you seen?

Catalina

About five or so.

Randy

You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.

Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.

Randy

Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.

[narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.

Randy

You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Catalina

What exactly is a county fair ?

Randy

It's like Disneyland for poor people. They got a Ferris wheel, bumper boats, bands you thought were dead... Last year, they had the world tallest midget. He was as tall as you Earl, remember ?

I think that might have been a scam, Randy.

Randy

I don't know. That was one tall midget.

Randy

You know, feliz nobby blah.

Catalina

That means nothing.

Randy

To you, maybe, but in American, that means "Christmas" in Mexican.

Randy

If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.

Randy, that's the cat.

[After Earl tries to persuade Catalina to make out with him to cheer him up] No, it's OK, there's already a girl I'm in love with. She's hot.

Catalina

I'm hot.

You're OK, but compared to her you're like those things in Lord of the Rings that grow out of the ground covered in slime and attack the castle.

Randy

Ewoks, those are called Ewoks.