[singing] We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop...
Randy, those aren't helium balloons.
S2Very Bad Things
What the hell are you doing?
Throwing you a surprise party.
My birthday's not till next week!
That's the surprise.
S2Jump For Joy
I will jump for you, Earl, but I will not jump for Joy.
JDJudge Dierkes
Joy Turner.
[stands up] Yes, your highness?
S2Made A Lady Think I Was God
EEarl
Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.
hey
S2Robbed a Stoner Blind
WWoody
People who say "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.
S2Born a Gamblin' Man
EEarl
No, what was weak was sitting in that room talking about your feelings.
EEarl
Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, and then they punch something that has nothing to do with what they're mad at.
KKenny
What if you lose? You won't be able to wire her the money, and Catalina's brother will have his finger chewed off by a weasel, and she will hate you forever, and what's worse, you'll hate yourself.
EEarl
[narrating] When Kenny said those things, it made me look deep into my heart, and I realized something. Something kind of painful. Kenny's a loser!
EEarl
I'm betting it all, you gotta stop thinking negative!
S2South Of The Border, Part Uno
[Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]
[Throws down Earl's list] Fine, you do what you want.
EEarl
[Bending down to pick up the list] I'm sorry Randy, I just think there's a better way to--
[Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]
EEarl
[squeaks] Son of a bitch, how did I not see that coming?
You know how they say "take a chill pill?" Joy did.
S2Our "Cops" is On
Dammit, more cops? Y'all don't quit picking on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge... Earl! What the hell are you doing?
EEarl
You said you wanted a date night, didn't ya? Well, your chariot awaits.
You stole me a police car?
EEarl
Yep. There's a hostage in the back too. If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids. They're cute.
I love you so much, baby. I am gonna *beep* your *beep* *beep* with my sweet sweet sweet love *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
EEarl
Shhhh... you had me at balls.
Hey, crank up the radio! Find me some Wu-Tang Clan.
EEarl
Since when do you like rap music?
I'm not cheating on you!
S2Buried Treasure
I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!
Nerf sidewalks.
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Name Is Earl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.