GGlenn
I'm gonna rip out your hair, put it in a jar and, I don't know, mail it to the pope! With a salmon.
S3My Name is Inmate 28301-016
GGlenn
I'm gonna find you! I will track you down and wear your pelt!
S3The Gangs of Camden County
EEarl
Whoa! So. You guys are kissin'. What's that about?
S3Our Other "Cops" is On!
[A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]
CCop
What is the problem here, ladies?
The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!
CCop
Alright, alright! Now let's hear Perra's side of the story.
DDancer
He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!
CCop
What's your side of the story, sir?
NNescobar
I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.
CCop
Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!
You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.
DDancer
[Looks confused]
I'm calling you fat.
DDancer
Oh, you should not have explained that!
NNescobar
Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.
See? He called you thick!
[The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]
CCop
Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.
CAClub Announcer
[V/O] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!
[An inmate walks up to Randy]
IInmate
So you actually know Tim Stack? [Randy nods] Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.
Yeah, he would be funny on fire.
[Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]
Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.
IInmate
Set him on fire watch him burn to death.
TTogether
Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!
S3I Won't Die With A Little Help From My Friends
DDoctor
All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.
...and third, you don't look this good without the Lord on your side!
S3Killerball
EEarl
[narrating] Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman.
Wacca wacca wacca wacca.
S3Girl Earl
EEarl
It was like some crazy cross between Rocky and Supermarket Sweep.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Name Is Earl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.