My Name Is Earl Season 1 quotes

Randy

If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]

Darnell

You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!

Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?

One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.

I'm Carl Hickey, and I need your vote.

But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it!

Randy

You know, feliz nobby blah.

Catalina

That means nothing.

Randy

To you, maybe, but in American, that means "Christmas" in Mexican.

Randy

If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.

Randy, that's the cat.

Joy

You don't want to injure your toilet-scrubbing hand.

Catalina

Quiero agradecer a todo el publico Latino que nos acompaña cada semana. Y para los que no son Latinos, les felicito por aprender otro idioma. [I want to thank all the Latino audience that joins us every week. And for those that are not Latino, congratulations to them for learning another language.]

Joy

Sorry sweetheart, I don't speak "maid".

It's gone!

What's gone?

Mystery Fun Land. They tore it down. Now I can't cross ya off the list.

You mean your "idiot list"?

Is that what your mom calls it?

She also puts another word in front of it, but I don't know what it means. The guy from Scarface says it a lot.

I know what it means.

Are you and e. coli buddies?

Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?

You takin' all those rolls to Mr. Patrick's house? Ha. He goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap! Yesss!

We should have taken back roads, but how often do you get to surf a giant hot dog down main street?

This appears to be all the swear words you know.

I have a lot of anger.

[drunk] I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.

Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...

No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

[After Earl tries to persuade Catalina to make out with him to cheer him up] No, it's OK, there's already a girl I'm in love with. She's hot.

Catalina

I'm hot.

You're OK, but compared to her you're like those things in Lord of the Rings that grow out of the ground covered in slime and attack the castle.

Randy

Ewoks, those are called Ewoks.

Randy

[on discovering a laptop] Hey look, a porn machine!