Earl quotes from My Name Is Earl

Now, before I forget, is there anything else I need to fix?

Uhh... I used my hand on a guy a little.

[a little high-pitched] Yeah, I don't know how to un-ring that bell!

Catalina

What exactly is a county fair ?

Randy

It's like Disneyland for poor people. They got a Ferris wheel, bumper boats, bands you thought were dead... Last year, they had the world tallest midget. He was as tall as you Earl, remember ?

I think that might have been a scam, Randy.

Randy

I don't know. That was one tall midget.

Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]

Darnell

You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!

Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?

One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.

Randy

If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.

Randy, that's the cat.

It's gone!

What's gone?

Mystery Fun Land. They tore it down. Now I can't cross ya off the list.

You mean your "idiot list"?

Is that what your mom calls it?

She also puts another word in front of it, but I don't know what it means. The guy from Scarface says it a lot.

I know what it means.

Are you and e. coli buddies?

Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?

[drunk] I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.

Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...

No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

Mom, Dad hates me.

You know, hate is a strong word.

Kay, I remembered the combination, 3-14-89, it's the day Earl moved out.

Where is everybody, we've gone 10 blocks and haven't seen a soul.

Donny

Maybe they're hiding.

Randy

Marco? Polo!

Joy

Were not in the damn pool, you idiot! Olly olly oxen free!

Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?

Donny

Give me your wife!

I'm not giving you my wife, Donny; pick a snack food.

Donny

Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.

Donny!

Donny

Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!

Is the favor giving you my wife?

Donny

Yep!

Randy

Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.

That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the Octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cuz that just has failure written all over it.

Randy

He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?

Randy, baloney isn't your favorite food, animal crackers are.

Randy

No, they're my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

Joy

Look Earl, you can't teach her how to talk. I got kids to feed.

These are good people, Joy. I mean they have the right to learn whatever they want.

Joy

No they don't ! There's nothing in the Bible that says people have the right to learn stuff. I have read it !

What if you lose? You won't be able to wire her the money, and Catalina's brother will have his finger chewed off by a weasel, and she will hate you forever, and what's worse, you'll hate yourself.

[narrating] When Kenny said those things, it made me look deep into my heart, and I realized something. Something kind of painful. Kenny's a loser!

I'm betting it all, you gotta stop thinking negative!