A character in My Name Is Earl
[Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]
[Throws down Earl's list] Fine, you do what you want.
[Bending down to pick up the list] I'm sorry Randy, I just think there's a better way to--
[Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]
[squeaks] Son of a bitch, how did I not see that coming?
Dammit, more cops? Y'all don't quit picking on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge... Earl! What the hell are you doing?
You said you wanted a date night, didn't ya? Well, your chariot awaits.
You stole me a police car?
Yep. There's a hostage in the back too. If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids. They're cute.
I love you so much, baby. I am gonna *beep* your *beep* *beep* with my sweet sweet sweet love *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
Shhhh... you had me at balls.
Hey, crank up the radio! Find me some Wu-Tang Clan.
Since when do you like rap music?
I'm not cheating on you!
[Earl's complaining to Randy about Joy giving birth to Darnell's baby]
We could walk round the mall and no one would stare, but now they will. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.
But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second, if we all paint our faces up to look like clowns all the time then no one would know that Earl Jr. wasn't yours. Can we, Earl? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns. People'd still stare, and when it rains we'd be screwed.
Maybe if someone had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, he wouldn't have been such a mean guy and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway.
Wow, that must've been tough, seeing your mom leave.
Oh, she didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. Still, it was tough to watch.
What do the doctors say?
I haven't been to a doctor. As my father used to say, "never trust a man who wants to stick his finger in your butt".
You can't argue with that logic.
Yeah, well, if he was so smart he wouldn't have ended up with a hole in his head where the vodka should've been.
[narrating] Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman.
Wacca wacca wacca wacca.
[Earl has discovered that his friend, Sweet Johnny is attempting suicide.]
Sweet Johnny, what are you doin'?
Endin' it. If this is my life and that's Sheila's ass, I don't wanna go on.
I don't care if that prize comes with a talking pet monkey. It's not worth turning myself into a pansy!
[narrating] I knew something was wrong because no self-respecting man would ever turn down a talking monkey.
[The series' last lines]
Joy, was that the Halloween party where Fat Steve dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy and broke his nose trying to run through the wall? I wore a skeleton costume to that party.
What? Earl, did you do me?
If anything, you did me. I was drunk. I don't remember anything after Fat Steve going through the wall.
Sweet Jesus!
I know! I'm Dodge's father!
That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.
[reading the DNA results] We've got another problem.
What?
These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those.
What does that mean?
It means I'm not Earl Junior's father.
Now, everybody just calm down.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Name Is Earl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
My Name Is Earl · 86 quotes
