TV show quotes
Bruce, I call upon you to close our meeting with a prayer.
Oh Lord, we beseech thee etc., etc., etc., Amen.
Amen!
Right. Now let's get some Sheilas.
Exploding Penguin sketch
That was Part 2 of the death of Mary Queen of Scots; adapted for the radio. And now, Radio Four will explode. [intreval music plays until the radio suddenly combusts]
We'll have to watch the telly then.
Yes.
Well, what's on the television then?
Looks like a penguin.
No, no, no, no! I didn't mean 'what's on the television set?' I meant 'what program?'
Oh.
Funny that penguin being there, isn't it? What's it doing there?
Standing.
I can see that!
If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the television set.
We'll have to watch that. Unless it's a male.
Ooh, I hadn't thought of that.
Yes. Looks fairly butch.
Perhaps it comes from next door.
Penguins don't come from next door; they come from the Antarctic!
BURMA!
Why'd you say "Burma"?
I panicked.
Perhaps it's from the zoo.
Which zoo?
How should I know which zoo? I'm not Doctor Bloody Bernofsky!
How does Doctor Bernofsky know which zoo it came from?
He knows everything.
Ooh, I wouldn't like that. It'd take all the mystery out of life. Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it'd have 'Property of the Zoo' stamped on it.
No it wouldn't. They don't stamp animals 'Property of the Zoo'! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!
They stamp them when they're small.
What happens when they moult?
Lions don't moult!
No, but penguins do. There! I've run rings around you, logically.
Oh, intercourse the penguin!
. . .
It's just gone eight o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
[The penguin explodes]
How did he know that was going to happen?
It was an inspired guess. And now...
Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star! I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench. I played Mrs. St John the Baptist in a trench, and I played Mrs. Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Mrs. Alexander Fleming in a furrow, so if you want this scene played out of a trench, well you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman! I played Mrs. Galileo in a groove and I played Mrs. Jesus Christ in a geological syncline!
You've got a pet halibut?
Yes. I chose him out of a thousand. I didn't like the others; they were all too flat.
You're a loony!
I AM NOT A LOONY! Why should I be tarred with the epithet "loony" merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon, and you wouldn't call Sir Gerald a loony, would you? Furthermore, Dawn Pelforth, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Sir Stefford after the late Chancellor, Allen Bullock has two pikes, both called Norman, and the late, great Marcel Proust had a haddock! If you're calling the author of À la recherche du temps perdu a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Well, I've been in the city for 30 years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold-hearted, avaricious money-grubber... er, Conservative!
I believe in peace, and bashing two bricks together!
We at the Church of the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the face purple!
This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw, Napier Court, Black Lion Road, SE5. He cannot be seen. Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up please? [in the distance, Bradshaw, stands up. After a pause, a gunshot rings out and Bradshaw then falls to the ground] This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
In 1970 the British Empire lay in ruins, foreign nationals frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians (not the streets--the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists shops to buy cigarettes...
My hovercraft is full of eels.
[A Hungarian man is reading a badly translated Hungarian-to-English phrase book]
What's going on here?
You have wonderful thighs.
What?
Drop your panties, Sir William! I cannot wait til' lunchtime!
Right! [arrests the Hungarian]
My nipples explode with delight!
Spam
Have you got anything without Spam?
Well, Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam; that's not got much Spam in it.
I don't want any Spam!
Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage?
That's got Spam in it!
Not as much as Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam,
Look, could I have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, without the Spam?
Bleurgh!
What do you mean "Ugh?" I don't like Spam!
[singing] Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam... Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!
You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam.
Why not?!
Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, would it?
I DON'T LIKE SPAM!
No need to kick up a fuss, dear; I'll have your Spam. I love it! I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam!
Baked beans are off.
In that case, can I have Spam instead?
You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam?
Yes!
Bleurgh!
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
That's a rather personal question, sir.
You stupid git! I meant 'how long have we been in the lifeboat?' You've spoiled the atmosphere!
Sorry, sir.
Shut up! We'll have to start again. Still no sign of land. How long is it?
33 days, sir.
33 days?
I don't think we can hold out much longer. I don't think I did spoil the atmosphere that time.
Shut up!
Well, I don't think I did!
Of course you did!
Do you think I spoiled the atmosphere?
Yes, I think you did.
Look, shut up! Shut up! Still no sign of land. How long is it?
33 days, sir.
Have we started again?
Undertaker Sketch
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monty Python's Flying Circus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
