Announcer: And the results of Epilogue: God exists by two falls to a submission.

Announcer: This man, he doesn't know when he's beaten! He doesn't know when he's winning, either. He has no�� sort of�� sensory apparatus��

Arthur Name: Here's a joke I heard down in the pub: what's brown, and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Arthur Nudge: Eh? know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more!
Man: Look, are you insinuating something?
Arthur Nudge: Oh, no no no no... yes.
Man: Well?
Arthur Nudge: Well, you're a man of the world, squire... you've been there, you've been around.
Man: What do you mean?
Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, you've done it... you've slept... with a lady.
Man: Yes.
Arthur Nudge: What's it like?
Bicycle Repair Man

Arthur Wilson: [talking to George Head about the trek to Mt. Kilinmanjaro, after he explains about the route] Does anyone speak Swahili?
George Head: Oh, I think most of them do down there.
Arthur Wilson: Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir?
George Head: Well, the matron's got a smattering.
Arthur Wilson: Apart from the two matrons.
George Head: Good God! I forgot about that.
Arthur Wilson: Apart from them, who else is coming?
George Head: Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins, two botanists called Maychen, the William Johnston brothers-
Arthur Wilson: Two of them?
George Head: No, four of them; pair of identical twins. And a couple of the Ken Zobana quads; the other four pulled out. And of course, you two.

Audrey: [as Arthur Name is getting drinks for everyone] Three cans of beans for me.
Mr. Equator: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!
Audrey: I only want three cans!
Mr. Equator: BATTEN YOUR LIP, YOU RATBAG!! [both burst into hysterical laughter] That was rather witty, wasn't it?

Bevis: [explaining his fear of cutting hair to his customer] When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only way to cure it was to become a barber! So I spent five ghastly years at the Hairdressers' Training Centre at Totnes. Can you imagine what it's like; cutting the same hair for five years?! I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Bevis: I always preferred the outdoor life��hunting��shooting��fishing��getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God's creatures.

Bevis: [sung] I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I'll go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties Choir: [sung] He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays, he goes shopping, and has buttered scones for tea. He's a lumberjack and he's OK, he sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: [sung] I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers. I put own womens' clothing, and hang around in bars.
Mounties Choir: [sung] He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wildflowers. He puts on womens' clothing, and hangs around- [starts to show signs of disgust] -in bars? [perk back up] He's a lumberjack, and he's OK, he sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: [sung] I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders, and a bra. I wish I've been a girlie, just like my dear Mama!
Mountie Choir: [sung] He cuts down trees, he wears- high heels? [choir storms out in revulsion, as Bevis continues singing, to his Best Girlie's dismay]
Bevis's Best Girlie: Oh, Bevis. And I thought you were so rugged! [runs off crying]

Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou.
Everybody: There's a man behind you?
Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou: No, you're not going to fool me with that one.

Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army?
Watkins: For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: "no killing".
Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist?
Watkins: No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir: I'm a coward.
Colonel: [disgusted] That's a very silly line. Sit down!

Encyclopedia Salesman: Burglar! [rings again] Burglar!
[woman appears at other side of door]
Woman: Yes?
Encyclopedia Salesman: Burglar, madam.
Woman: What do you want?
Encyclopedia Salesman: I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.
Woman: Are you an encyclopaedia salesman?
Encyclopedia Salesman: No madam, I'm a burglar, I burgle people.
Woman: I think you're an encyclopaedia salesman.
Encyclopedia Salesman: Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please.
Woman: If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias.
Encyclopedia Salesman: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly.
Woman: Promise? No encyclopaedias?
Encyclopedia Salesman: None at all.
Woman: All right. [she opens door] You'd better come in then.
Encyclopedia Salesman: Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias... You know, they can really do you wonders.

Head Waiter: This is a vegetarian restaurant -- we serve no meat of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it.

Inspector Tiger: This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I... I... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?
Colonel Pickering: You don't want anybody to leave the room.
Inspector Tiger: [clicking fingers to indicate Colonel Pickering has hit the nail on the head] Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme-to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. [bangs himself on the side of the head] Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
Everybody: Tiger?
Inspector Tiger: [whirling around] WHERE? WHERE?

Interviewer: Mr. Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?
Luigi Vercotti: Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.
Interviewer: And who is the sponsor?
Luigi Vercotti: The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks. [Ron is having his passport checked by a customs officer]
Interviewer: I see. Well, er, it looks as if Ron is ready now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel jump. [Ron runs down the beach and jumps. He lands about four feet into the water] Will Ron be trying the cross Channel jump again soon?
Luigi Vercotti: No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps, Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think is very much more up his street.
Interviewer: And what is that?
Luigi Vercotti: Uh, Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral.
[Cuts to Ron approaching Chichester Cathedral, brushing his teeth]
Interviewer: Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neepsend, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral. [Ron finishes brushing his teeth, puts on a bib, and flexes his jaws before biting into the corner of a buttress and breaking his jaw]