JThe Joke
"Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
S1The Funniest Joke in the World
VVoiceover
And here is the final score: Pigs - 9; British Bipeds - 4. The Pigs go on to meet Vicky Carr in the final.
S1The Dirty Fork
Mungo (Head chef) [Shouting] You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards!
MSMan sitting at the table
[Chuckles]
MMungo
Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty, feeble quibbling, and you drive him into the dirt! This fine, honorable man whose boots you're not worthy to kiss! Oh, it makes me mad! Mad!
[He chops a cleaver into the table, stick it into it]
[Gilberto (the headwaiter) walks out of the kitchen to comfort Mungo]
GGilberto
Easy, Mungo, easy.
MMungo
Mad!
GGilberto
Mungo!
[Gilberto suddenly gets a jolt of pain in his head, gripping it with his hands]
GGilberto
Oh! The war wound!
MMungo
The wound! The wound!
Manager [Standing up again after crying at the table] It's the end!
MMungo
Ahhh! They've destroyed him!
MManager
The end! [Stabs himself with the fork]
ASAll the staff at once
[Screaming]
[The manager drops to the floor]
MMungo
He's dead! They killed him! Revenge! Revenge! [He picks the cleaver up and prepares to swing at the man. Gilberto stops him at the height of his swing]
GGilberto
No! Mungo, Mungo! Never kill a customer... Oh! The wound! The wound again!
[Gilberto drops to the floor as Mungo raises his cleaver again, screaming]
[Gaston, the waiter then runs out of the kitchen and jumps on Mungo, making them both crash onto the table]
[A black screen appears with the caption: "And now... the punch line]"
MMan
[Cutting back to the restaurant] Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife!
[The audience boos him]
MMan
Oh no come on! No, no, no! No! No!
S1Self-Defense Against Fresh Fruit
TGTerry Gilliam
[dressed in a viking costume] This is my only line.
S1Dead Parrot Sketch
I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
CThe Colonel
Quite agree, quite agree. Silly, silly, silly. Right! Get on with it!
S1The Lumberjack Song
[explaining his fear of cutting hair to his customer] When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only way to cure it was to become a barber. So I spent five ghastly years at the Hairdressers' Training Centre at Totnes. Can you imagine what it's like; cutting the same hair for five years?! I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Yes, a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as I float down the shores of British Columbia! The larch, the giant redwood! The smell of fresh-cut timber, the crash of mighty trees, with my best girl by my side, we'd sing, sing, sing! [singing]
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
MCMounties Choir
[singing]
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
[singing]
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I'll go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea.
MCMounties Choir
[singing]
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays, he goes shopping, and has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
[singing]
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers.
I put own womens' clothing, and hang around in bars.
MCMounties Choir
[singing]
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wildflowers.
He puts on womens' clothing, and hangs around [starts to show signs of disgust] in bars?
[Perk back up]
He's a lumberjack, and he's OK, he sleeps all night and he works all day.
[singing]
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders, and a bra.
[His girlfriend starts to cry]
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Mama!
MCMountie Choir
[singing] He cuts down trees, he wears - high heels, suspenders and a bra? [choir storms out in revulsion]
[singing] I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Mama!
BSBevis's Best Girlie
[crying] Oh, Bevis. And I thought you were so rugged! [runs off crying]
S1The Visitors
ANArthur Name
[at the door, greeting Victor] Hello! Remember me? In the pub; the tall thin one, with the moustache, about three years ago?
Well, uh-
ANArthur Name
Ay, it's dark in here. [turns on the lights] That's better; you told me we must have a drink together sometime, so I decided to take you up on it, as the phone society meeting was cancelled. [turns towards Iris] 'Ello! I'm Arthur, Arthur Name. Name by name, but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy? Is she your wife?
Not really, but-
ANArthur Name
Oh, I get the picture. Don't mind me; I know all about one-night stands.
[insulted] I beg your pardon?!
GGoatkeeper
[coughing as he carries in a goat by the leash] I had to bring the goat; he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.
[Later]
GGoatkeeper
The goat's done a bundle!
S1 E1Whither Canada?
P1Pepperpot #1
I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
IInterviewer
Yes, we find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo Butter and a dead crab.
VPVarious Pepperpots
It's true… We can't… No.
P2Pepperpot #2
Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
IInterviewer
[humbly] Yes, yes…
P2Pepperpot #2
He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo Butter [points with handbag at the butter] from a dead crab [points with handbag at the dead crab].
VPVarious Pepperpots
Yeah, yeah.
P3Pepperpot #3
You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.
P4Pepperpot #4
[quietly] Yeah, with a razor.
It's the Arts
IInterviewer
Get your own arts programme, you fairy!
The Funniest Joke in the World
RReporter
This morning, shortly after 11:00, comedy struck this little house on Dibley Road. Sudden...violent...comedy.
VVoiceover
It was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke [Cut to stock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit.], and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
[Cut to stock footage of Hitler giving a speech.]
HHitler
[subtitle] My dog's got no nose!
SSoldier
[subtitle] How does he smell?
HHitler
[subtitle] Awful!
In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
S1 E2Sex and Violence
KKen
I'll tell you what's wrong with you: your head's addled with novels and poems! You come home reeking of Chateau La Tour! And look what you've done to mother! She's worn out from meeting film stars, attending premieres, and giving gala luncheons!
DDad
THERE'S NAUGHT WRONG WITH GALA LUNCHES, LAD! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners! [grabs arm and screams]
MMum
Oh no!
KKen
What is it?
MMum
Oh, it's his writer's cramp!
KKen
You never told me about this...
MMum
No, we didn't like to, Kenny.
DDad
I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here.
MMum
Oh Ken! You'd better go ...
KKen
All right. I'm going.
DDad
After all we've done for him...
KKen
One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture... There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!
DDad
Get out! Get out! Get OUT! You ... LABOURER!
AAnnouncer
And the results of Epilogue: God exists by two falls to a submission.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monty Python's Flying Circus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.