Monty Python's Flying Circus quotes

I would tax Raquel Welch. I have a feeling she'd tax me.

[referring to his death sentence for contempt of court] Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.

Look, they've started the credits.

Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.

Come on, hurry. Hurry!

There's the lighting credit, only five left. Hell, it's the producer--quick!

Nobody expects the Spa... [Smash cut to a frame saying "The End"] Oh bugger!

[emerging from under a Scotsman's kilt] Look, would you please go away? I'm trying to examine this man! It's all right, I'm a doctor... actually I'm a gynaecologist, but this is my lunch hour.

Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you're badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now, I'm not going to say that a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.

This is a 12-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive here and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...

Excuse me.

Yes?

Did you say 'knives'?

Rotating knives, yes.

Do I take it that you are proposing to slaughter our tenants?

...Does that not fit in with your plans?

Not really. We asked for a simple block of flats.

I'd like some aftershave.

Certainly sir, walk this way please...

If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave.

Sorry I'm late, head master. I've been wrestling with Plato.

What you do in your own time, padre, is written on the wall in the vestry!

Good morning, I'd care to purchase a chicken, please.

Don't come here with that posh talk, you nasty, stuck-up twit!

I beg your pardon?

A chicken, sir? Certainly. Here we are.

Thank you. And how much does that come to per pound, my good fellow?

Per pound, you slimy trollop? What kind of a ponce are you?

I'm sorry?

Four and six a pound, sir. Nice and ready for roasting.

I see. And I'd care to purchase some stuffing in addition, please.

Use your own, you great poofy poll-nagger!

What?

Certainly, sir, some stuffing.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, "thank you", says the great queen, like a la-di-da pooftah!

I beg your pardon?

That's alright, sir, call again!

Excuse me...

What is it now, you great pillock?!

I can't help but notice that you insult me, and then you're polite to me, alternately.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir!

Oh, that's all right. It doesn't really matter.

Tough titty if it did, you nasty, spotted prancer!

And we move to Bristol where they have a special, Very Silly candidate...

Malcolm Peter-Brian-Telescope-Adrian-Umbrella Stand-Jasper-Wednesday-[pop]-Stoat Gobbler-John-Raw Vegetable-[bark]-Arthur-Norman-Michael-[honk]-Featherstone-Smith-[whistle]-Northgot-Edwards-Harris-[bang]-WOOOOOO-Mason-chuffchuffchuffchuff-Frampton-Jones-Fruit Bat-Gilbert-we'll keep a welcome in the-[bang bang bang]-Williams-If I could Walk That Way-Jenkin-[vvvt vvt vvvt vvvvewwww]-Tiger Drawers-Pratt-Thompson-Raindrops keep falling on my head-Darcy-Carter-[honk]-Pussycat-Don't sleep in the subway-Barton-Mannering-[squeek]-mmmmm-Smith...

Very Silly Party.

Two votes.

Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now, it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening, it'll be ten o'clock and at 10:30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10:33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9:20. Those of you who missed 8:45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now, here is a time check. It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing.

You're a looney.

I get so bored. I get so bloody bored.

In the debate, a spokesman accused the goverment of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member accepted this in the spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he had ever been naughty with a choir boy. Angry shouts of 'What about the watermelon then?' were ordered then by the speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut up and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government, a front-bench spokesman said the Agricultural Tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Futhermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, and a great deal of fun to him, his friends, and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'Postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the Minister Without Portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the Dachshund were very happy. And in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?

Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here.

What kind of money is there in idioting?

Well, nowadays the really blithering idiot can make anything up to 10,000 pounds a year if he's the head of some big industrial combine. But of course the more old fashion idiot still refuses to take money. He takes bits of string, wood, dead budgerigars, sparrows, anything. But it does make the cashier's job very difficult.

I love animals, that's why I like to kill 'em.

There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane, while others became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like us, who are out of our tiny minds, to help them overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways, with ping pong ball eyes and a funny voice, and then perhaps paint half of your body red and their other half green, and then stand in a bowl of treacle going "SQWAK SQWAK SQWAK!" Finally, you can roll around on the floor going "p'ting p'ting p'ting!"

The Reverend Arthur Belling is vicar at the St. Loony Up the Cream Bun and Jam.

Rule 1 -- no pooftahs. Rule 2 -- no member of the faculty is to maltreat the abos in any way whatsoever if there's anyone watching. Rule 3 -- no pooftahs. Rule 4 -- I don't want to catch any of you not drinking after lights out. Rule 5 -- no pooftahs. Rule 6 -- there is NO Rule 6. Rule 7 -- no pooftahs!