Monk quotes

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Season 4

[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
Adrian Monk: I'm on the list.
Security guard: Name?
Adrian Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.

[Monk and Natalie see Stottlemeyer posing as a photographer]
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because Randy says he thinks he can identify the driver.
Adrian Monk: Did he get a good look at him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I'd develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
Natalie Teeger: You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile. [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them]

[Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]
Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.
Sherry Judd: What?
Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
Adrian Monk: It's awful.

[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]
Adrian Monk: She was... wow.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.

[Monk and Stottlemeyer have viewed the scene where Frank Prager fired at Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: Maybe he's home for Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can't go near the place! The um, the wife filed a complaint against me. Said I had been harassing her.
Adrian Monk: Why would she say that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhh, probably because I'd been harassing her. [points his finger at Monk] She's never seen you.

[Monk believes that Marty has to be cheating]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

[Monk can't concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Adrian Monk: It's over there.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
Natalie Teeger: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: [looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!

[Monk is horrified, having found out how his favorite Cabernet is made]
Adrian Monk: I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!
Natalie Teeger: Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
Adrian Monk: I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.
Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.

[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.

[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
Adrian Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

[Monk tries to apologize once more to Sylvia Willis about the events of the previous year]
Sylvia Willis: We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
Adrian Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
Sylvia Willis: It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?
Adrian Monk: I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.
Sylvia Willis: Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking over the evidence from the Clea Vance murder case at the crime lab]
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Is there any new evidence?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Monk met the killer's mother.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's a shirt inspector.
Natalie Teeger: She swears he's innocent.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not gonna miss!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where are you going?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you wanna come.
Lt. Randall Disher: Cool, absolutely! I'll be there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're retiring? How old are you?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: 46.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.
Natalie Teeger: What, you have an accountant?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. Gonna have to go find an accountant, then I'm gonna talk to him.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Hodge's fashion house to talk to him. Hodge advances on Natalie]
Julian Hodge: If you're gonna rob me, you should bring a gun.
Natalie Teeger: Pardon me?
Julian Hodge: The blouse. It's a knock-off of one of my designs.
Natalie Teeger: Oh. It is? I didn't know.
Julian Hodge: Of course. That's not the real crime. The real crime is how you look in it.