Monk quotes

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Season 4

Natalie Teeger: What was he like? As a kid?
Sherry Judd: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.

Natalie: [after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!

Sherry Judd: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Adrian Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry Judd: You remember?
Adrian Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.

[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.

[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Randall Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.

[At Ambrose's house]
Natalie Teeger: [looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie Teeger: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.

[Chilton is not happy with the office cubicle that Monk has been put in]
Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
Abby: What's the difference?
Chilton Handy: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts! Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?

[Disher is tuning up Stottlemeyer's guitar]
Lt. Randall Disher: I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, my name's Randy... Disher, and then... Project.

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!

[Entering his store, Harold receives a call on his cell phone]
Harold Gumbal: [answering] Yes?
Eddie Dial: [on the phone] How's it going, Harold?
Harold Gumbal: I'm in, I'm doing it.
Eddie Dial: Friendly reminder: don't be a hero. When we hear a police siren, Peggy's dead.
Harold Gumbal: Is she okay? Can I talk to her?
Eddie Dial: Just hurry up!
Harold Gumbal: No let me just talk to her! [Dial hangs up] Hello? [As Dial and his partner Vic Blanchard wait patiently in their Ford Taurus parked out front, Harold unlocks his safe and fills two bags with his most valuable inventory, including emptyig a safe. When he's done, he leaves the store and carries the jewels out to the car]
Vic Blanchard: Backseat. [Harold hands the jewels to Blanchard, sitting in the backseat with the dog]
Harold Gumbal: Let her go! You said you would! [Blanchard hands the dog through the window to Harold]
Vic Blanchard: Pleasure doin' business with you. Thanks for the car, Harold.
Harold Gumbal: [to Peggy] Come here, Peggy. [The mall security guard notices them]
Security Guard: Harold! Everything all right?
Harold Gumbal: Paul? Everything's okay, I'm all right, no problem! [The guard notices that Blanchard and Dial are wearing ski masks]
Security Guard: Get out of the car! Both of you! [draws his gun] Do it! [Dial takes his hands off the steering wheel. After a few moments, Blanchard opens his door]
Vic Blanchard: Okay! [takes off his mask] Happy Halloween, man. Just relax. [Blanchard draws his revolver and shoots the guard dead with three shots at long range]
Eddie Dial: What did you do?!
Vic Blanchard: No choice! They want me.
Eddie Dial: We could've just driven off! Get in the car! [Blanchard gets back into the car and closes the door]
Harold Gumbal: [cowering and shielding Peggy] I didn't see any car! I didn't see your face! Neither did Peggy!
Vic Blanchard: I'm not done. [Draws his revolver and points it at Harold]
Harold Gumbal: No! [Blanchard shoots Harold in the chest, and he falls to the ground. Peggy runs off]

[Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]
Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie Teeger: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...

[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lieutenant Bristo: So far he's John Doe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Natalie Teeger: Is he the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Captain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lieutenant Bristo: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Lieutenant Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.

[Marty has found Harold Gumbal's body by using a tree branch and a dowsing rod]
Marty Eels: He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.
Adrian Monk: No. He's not, Captain.
Marty Eels: Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Casio?
Marty Eels: Lefty? [thinks] Dial?
Lt. Randy Disher: Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's check him out.

[Monk and Natalie are following Karen]
Natalie Teeger: How long have they been married?
Adrian Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland? They've never had a thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.

[Monk and Natalie are observing Julie before the rehearsal for Hodge's show]
Natalie Teeger: She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here. [points to her forehead]
Adrian Monk: [puts his finger right above the bridge of Natalie's nose] Maybe here.