MGMary Gilstrap
I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
[nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...
S4 E2Mr. Monk Goes Home Again
[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
[holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
YCYoung Cashier
I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Sure.
It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
[pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
YCYoung Cashier
No, sir.
[producing the killer's reciept] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
YCYoung Cashier
Mm-hmm.
Eight items at 89 cents.
YCYoung Cashier
Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Eight candy bars?
It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
[sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
You think so?
[At Ambrose's house]
[looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?
Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
He named the turtle after you?
He named me after the turtle.
S4 E3Mr. Monk Stays in Bed
[Natalie's cell phone rings while she is talking to Julio Alvarez's boss]
Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Natalie, you have to come back here.
I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
It's Ebola.
Excuse me?
I think I have the Ebola virus.
No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.
I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
You have massive internal bleeding?
Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.
[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
I see letters!
It's alphabet soup.
[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
[pointing to machine] What's this?
Humidifier.
[Pointing to other machine] And this?
De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Exactly.
S4 E4Mr. Monk Goes to the Office
[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
[to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Swear words?
Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
P1Police Officer #1
Yes, we know.
It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
P2Police Officer #2
Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
P2Police Officer #2
But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
You guys want to hear some swear words?
[Chilton is not happy with the office cubicle that Monk has been put in]
CHChilton Handy
Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
AAbby
What's the difference?
CHChilton Handy
It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
AAbby
Statistically, you're a little nuts! Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?
S4 E5Mr. Monk Gets Drunk
[Monk tries to apologize once more to Sylvia Willis about the events of the previous year]
SWSylvia Willis
We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
I'm really, really sorry.
SWSylvia Willis
It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?
I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.
SWSylvia Willis
Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.
Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...
[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.
[observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
WEWine Expert
Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
Yeah, I think so.
Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!
[Monk is horrified, having found out how his favorite Cabernet is made]
I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!
Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.
ANAl Nicoletto
And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.
S4 E6Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk
[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.
I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.