Monk quotes

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All Seasons  Season 1  
Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: Why can't you be happy for me?
Adrian Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.
Sharona Fleming: Who's Brian?
Adrian Monk: Brian Babbage.
Sharona Fleming: The coma guy? He woke up?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: But you were talking to him.
Adrian Monk: He's a good listener.

Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go!
Lody: It's not about you, Spyder!
Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine.
Lody: He's a cop!
Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.
Lody: You'd side with a cop over us?
Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.
Season 3

Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

Stottlemeyer: A hundred and fifteen? People that old, they die! It's like their job!

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
Monk: What is it?
Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!

Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

U.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.

[Adrian and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.

[Adrian believes that the incriminating shell casing they are looking for is in van Ranken's pie]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Pat van Ranken: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.
Pat van Ranken: And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.
Pat van Ranken: For a pie?

[Adrian introduces Sharona to Ambrose]
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Adrian]
Adrian Monk: What's that for?
Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.

[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]
Monk: [tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?

[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]
Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

[Agent Grooms kicks Stottlemeyer out of the interrogation room]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
Lt. Randall Disher: You want some coffee, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that A.T.F. CREEP to eat crow!
Adrian Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don't know how.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he's in a coma.
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he's gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
Sharona Fleming: I already had that idea. Tell him.
Adrian Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn't know he was gonna be in a coma.
Sharona Fleming: It's not exactly something you can plan.
Adrian Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Adrian Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit -- it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?
[Agent Grooms comes out of the interrogation room, having finished questioning Ricky Babbage]
Agent Grooms: Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. So, how's it look?
Agent Grooms: He's bending not breaking. I'll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I'm gonna list him as my primary. I'll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easier to get an indictment if we're all on the same page.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm thinking�� [glances at Monk] Maybe it's the other brother.
Agent Grooms: Well, there's only one other brother, and... he's in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.
[Stottlemeyer takes another glance at Monk, who is showing support]
Agent Grooms: He's a vegetable, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know.
Agent Grooms: Don't you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I'm just��curious. How do you think he did it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're still working on that.
Agent Grooms: Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.

[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God!
Sharona Fleming: [sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]