Monk quotes

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All Seasons  Season 1  
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Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Sharona Fleming: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads.
Sharona Fleming: What are fiesta beads?
Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them?
Sharona Fleming: Ahh, no.
Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: How did you know that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. I'll just wait here and--
Sharona Fleming: Weep openly.
Lt. Randall Disher: --do some paperwork.
Sharona Fleming: While you weep openly.

Monk: [repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."

Monk: So what do you think?
Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.
Monk: Don't say that.
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.
Monk: Thank you.

Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.
Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?
Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

Sharona Fleming: [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [to a passing cop] Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.

Sharona Fleming: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
Sharona Fleming: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian Monk: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian Monk: Don't you people have work to do?! There's a dead woman over there!

Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
Adrian Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.

Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose Monk: Outside? Oh no, I can't.
Sharona Fleming: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.

Sharona Fleming: Have you been drinking?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

Sharona Fleming: Is that a new tie?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona Fleming: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Lt. Randall Disher: Ooh -- do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona Fleming: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

Sharona Fleming: So, how'd the dating go?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single!
Sharona Fleming: You are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.

Sharona Fleming: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
Adrian Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?