Monk quotes

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All Seasons  
Season 1
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[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Adrian Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona. [looks at his desk, which has been cleaned off] What happened here?
Adrian Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Adrian Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]
Sharona Fleming: You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona Fleming: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]
Sharona Fleming: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

[Dale is on the phone]
Man on phone: I'm sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that's out of the question.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
Man on phone: Danny, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I'll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC--
Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny! I'm watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he's in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [At a conference on the TV, an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans them] Congratulate the congressman, he's just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it's better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not finished!
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: This stuff will kill you.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I'm not gonna die. You won't let me, will you, Doctor?

[Deputy Mayor Sheldon Burger comes in]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?
Sheldon Burger: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Sheldon Burger: If we don't slam dunk this, it's gonna look like we're not trying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.
Sheldon Burger: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Monk?

[Disher comes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No, all he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk; camera focuses on an article that is headlined "Who is Fraidy Cop?"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's what they're calling him. [Stottlemeyer scruitinizes the article] We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up street map of San Francisco, and sighs wearily] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins] After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [Inserts a pushpin into an intersection] he flagged down a taxi.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street... [inserts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Randall Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that son-of-a-bitch better hope I don't find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]

[Dr. Lancaster tells Sharona about how Monk's condition has "deteriorated"]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Sharona Fleming: Well, how much longer?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: That's hard to say. It could be a month.
Sharona Fleming: A month? [They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Sharona Fleming: Santa Claus?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional. [Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk] Adrian, look who's here.
Sharona Fleming: Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Sharona Fleming: Well, we were just talking about that.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday? [He shows some artwork] Oh, here it is. Wait a minute. [shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Adrian Monk: Did I draw that?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Sharona Fleming: Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of Santa fabric that he found, but he can't find it]
Adrian Monk: It was here. It was in here. A little piece of fabric, you know, of Santa's-Santa's, you know, suit. Okay, no, no. It was a piece of... fabric, and...
Sharona Fleming: Doctor? Can I talk to you privately?
Adrian Monk: Like... Santa's tuis.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Sure. [He and Sharona walk away]
Sharona Fleming: He's not himself. He needs me. Look, I could be here two, three times a week, okay? I still have my license. Maybe they can give me a job here.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Sharona, I know you mean well, but the less contact Adrian has with his old life, the better. You can write him a letter. You can bring him something from home. I'm sure he'd like that, but no visits.
[Sharona approaches Monk, who is now looking under his bed]
Sharona Fleming: Look, Adrian. I-listen, I-I can't take you home right now.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, look at his shoes, just look at his shoes. They're smudged. Could be soot. Those are boat shoes. They're made for traction. And I think, he has been walking on the roof.

[first lines]
[A call comes in to the 911 dispatch center]
911 Operator: 911 emergency.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Oh, God! He's in the house. You've got to help me! He's going to kill me!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am, now just calm down. Who is in the house?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's Dale Biederbeck! Dale Biederbeck!
911 Operator: [types] "Dale... Biederbeck." Ma'am what is your address?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's 415 Vinton! For God's sakes, hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, stay with me. Is he armed? Ma'am? [heavy breathing is heard on the phone] Does he have a weapon? Are you being threatened?
Judge Lavinio's voice: He doesn't need a weapon! He's Dale Biederbeck! [growling is heard on the line as a dispatch call is broadcast]
911 Operator #2: All units, possible 556 in progress.
911 Operator #1: Ma'am, can you get to a safe place?
Judge Lavinio's voice: No, I'm upstairs! I'm trapped!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am. Just stay by the phone.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Here he comes! Oh, my God! [screams, and the line disconnects]

[first time line is spoken in the series]
Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse. Now don't ever take my shoes again!

[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
Lt. Disher: What time is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [checks his watch] No, don't ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.
Lt. Disher: Oh-- [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lt. Disher: What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause]
Lt. Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that's possible?
Lt. Disher: I don't know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [chuckles] Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?

[Looking around the house, Monk spots the pried-open smoke alarm]
Adrian Monk: What's--what's with this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a smoke alarm. She was in the kitchen cooking something when he broke in. It started to burn.
Lt. Randall Disher: A little girl across the street saw the guy turning it off.
Adrian Monk: So there was a witness?
Lt. Randall Disher: She's 10 years old. She didn't see much.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So the perp breaks in. He goes berserk in here. The victim runs upstairs and calls 911.
Adrian Monk: It's strange.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's strange?
Adrian Monk: The phone. He didn't take the phone off the hook. So, what? He just let her call 911? [Monk inspects the kitchen. He finds a few leftovers in the fridge] Any prints?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope, nothing so far.
Adrian Monk: So, she's here cooking. He breaks in. He's a big guy. Lot of noise.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He must've cornered her in here, and then chased her out and caught up with her in the bedroom?
Adrian Monk: I would've grabbed a knife. [points to the knife rack] Why didn't she grab a knife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know. [Monk observes the bedroom] She was over here on the phone. Severe blunt trauma to the head with a baseball bat. [Monk eyes one of the phones]
Adrian Monk: Has this phone been touched?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. The scene's intact. [Monk holds the phone with a handkerchief to avoid contaminating fingerprints; he punches a button on the receiver but only gets static until he pulls up the antenna]
Adrian Monk: The antenna has to be up to get a signal in here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So?
Adrian Monk: Somebody lowered it all the way after the call. You don't usually see that when someone's getting bludgeoned to death.

[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?
Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.

[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
Sharona Fleming: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Adrian Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
Sharona Fleming: So when she died...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]

[Monk and Sharona question Sidney Teal's chauffeur]
Willis: You know, it's funny. Mr. Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.
Sharona Fleming: Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine how that must feel.
Adrian Monk: Get in the car!

[Monk and the other patients are painting their self-portraits]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Now remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong. [looks over one patient's work] Very good. I love those eyes.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?
[Jane Gordon sighs]
Adrian Monk: I-I-I need to wash up.
Jane Gordon: Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?
Jane Gordon: [takes a breath] Controlling the urge to lash out.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?
Jane Gordon: [sighs] Sorry.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.
Manny: Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!
Everyone: Santa Claus!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: All right, all right. [He looks at Manny's work] Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait. [We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]
Manny: [points to the little boy] That's me.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Hmm. Why are you so small?
Manny: Everybody's small compared to Santa. [Janie turns to Monk]
Jane Gordon: He actually sits up every night and waits for him.
Manny: I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.
Jane Gordon: It's August, whackjob!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.