Monk quotes

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Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.

Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything -- UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...

Monk:What am I doing up here? What am I doing up here?!
Sharona: Rescuing me!

Sharona: Get me down! I thought you said you knew how to operate this thing!
Monk:I am not familiar with this particular model!

Sharona: Let's go up in the Ferris Wheel, then we'll be able to see everything.
Monk: I've got a better idea. You go up in the Ferris Wheel and you can see everything.
(cuts to Sharona in the bucket.)

Sharona: You do know how to operate this thing, right?
Monk: How hard can it be?

Sharona: You okay?
Monk: I just wanna be alone.
Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

Todd: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Monk: I am, 24-7.

[?Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Adrian Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona Fleming: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me -- I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No -- you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!

[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what -- why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Monk: You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]
Father Hatcher: Um... where's he from?
Sharona: Neptune.

[Benjy turns on the tap and rusty colored water comes out]
Benjy Fleming: The water's all rusty!
Gail Fleming: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
Gail Fleming: [banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.
Gail Fleming: With my mineral water?!
Adrian Monk: I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Gail Fleming: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me $95 dollars!
Adrian Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!