Leland Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
Leland Stottlemeyer: FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!

Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Leland Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Lt. Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Gail Fleming: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
Lt. Disher: ...And?
Gail Fleming: And, that's what it's like!

Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Sharona Fleming: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads.
Sharona Fleming: What are fiesta beads?
Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them?
Sharona Fleming: Ahh, no.
Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

Lt. Randall Disher: [describing his "Rolex" to the others] I can tell you what time it is all around the world. It's 5:30 here; in Denver, 3:30; in California, 12:17; in Paris, France... time has stopped.

Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: How did you know that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.

Lt. Randall Disher: If we were both drowning, who would you save?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, both of you.
Lt. Randall Disher: No. If you could only save one of us?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a family heirloom.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm leaving. [walks out]

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. I'll just wait here and--
Sharona Fleming: Weep openly.
Lt. Randall Disher: --do some paperwork.
Sharona Fleming: While you weep openly.

Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lt. Randall Disher: The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 40%?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forty-eight percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Voice I.D.?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.
[Stottlemeyer sighs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

Lt. Randall Disher: So, what's the plan?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reasonably sure. [turns to Mrs. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
Wendy Maas: No, I like classical.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. Good. Bring him in.

Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Adrian Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
Sharona Fleming: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
Miranda St. Claire: Ah.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
Miranda St. Claire: No.
Adrian Monk: No?
Miranda St. Claire: No.

Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.
[She walks off.]
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.

Monk: [repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."

Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?