[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]
She was your girlfriend.
MMcDowell
Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.
How long have you been "screwing up"?
S1 E8Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man
[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]
Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.
TTonday
I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.
[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]
Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!
Just give it to me.
S1 E9Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation
[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
I wouldn't be surprised.
You know, why do girls do that?
Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.
[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
So, you want to tell me what's going on?
I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
No, but I think this place is run by the same company.
[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]
There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?
GGroundskeeper
They don't belong there.
[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]
They were short.
GGroundskeeper
A short gang of lime thieves?
It's a nutty world.
Okay, just for the record, what we just did...
Breaking and entering?
Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.
[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]
Think the dead body's in here?
Maybe. It's been everywhere else.
S1 E10Mr. Monk and the Earthquake
[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]
Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.
Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?
Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.
[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]
FHFather Hatcher
Um... where's he from?
Neptune.
[Benjy turns on the tap and rusty colored water comes out]
The water's all rusty!
Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
[banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.
With my mineral water?!
I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me $95 dollars!
[oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!
So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
...And?
And, that's what it's like!
[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]
DWDarryl Wright
Son of a bitch!
I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
DWDarryl Wright
I don't have a broken jaw!
[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]
S1 E11Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger
[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]
WNWillie Nelson
You know more about me than I do.
He knows more about everybody than they do.
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Really?
Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. [Randy fast forwards the tape a few minutes; Sonny Cross walks by the camera] And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson runs past the camera] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Are you gonna arrest him?
D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Captain, what about the note on the door?
My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
I don't know.
Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
"A" or "B", Monk?
I think it's "C".
"C"? What the hell is "C"?
I don't know yet.
[Radio jockey Kenny Freedman introduces Willie Nelson and his band]
KFKenny Freedman
We're back. I'm Little Kenny Freedman. You're listening to Three Chord Monte on KNGY. We are very excited to have live in our studio the legendary Willie Nelson. I know you've been reading a lot about Willie in the papers. Everybody seems to have an opinion on "the incident". But tonight, we're gonna forget about all that and enjoy the music. Willie, would you like to introduce the band?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.