TV show quotes
[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa," in reality Dr. Lancaster in disguise, as the police cover them from below.]
By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know -- except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.
[Monk and the other patients are painting their self-portraits]
Now remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong. [looks over one patient's work] Very good. I love those eyes.
Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?
[Jane Gordon sighs]
I-I-I need to wash up.
Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!
Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?
[takes a breath] Controlling the urge to lash out.
Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?
[sighs] Sorry.
That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.
Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!
Santa Claus!
All right, all right. [He looks at Manny's work] Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait. [We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]
[points to the little boy] That's me.
Hmm. Why are you so small?
Everybody's small compared to Santa. [Janie turns to Monk]
He actually sits up every night and waits for him.
I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.
It's August, whackjob!
It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.
[Dr. Lancaster tells Sharona about how Monk's condition has "deteriorated"]
If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Well, how much longer?
That's hard to say. It could be a month.
A month? [They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Santa Claus?
Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional. [Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk] Adrian, look who's here.
Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Well, we were just talking about that.
Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday? [He shows some artwork] Oh, here it is. Wait a minute. [shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Did I draw that?
You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
[scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of Santa fabric that he found, but he can't find it]
It was here. It was in here. A little piece of fabric, you know, of Santa's-Santa's, you know, suit. Okay, no, no. It was a piece of... fabric, and...
Doctor? Can I talk to you privately?
Like... Santa's tuis.
Sure. [He and Sharona walk away]
He's not himself. He needs me. Look, I could be here two, three times a week, okay? I still have my license. Maybe they can give me a job here.
Sharona, I know you mean well, but the less contact Adrian has with his old life, the better. You can write him a letter. You can bring him something from home. I'm sure he'd like that, but no visits.
[Sharona approaches Monk, who is now looking under his bed]
Look, Adrian. I-listen, I-I can't take you home right now.
Sharona, look at his shoes, just look at his shoes. They're smudged. Could be soot. Those are boat shoes. They're made for traction. And I think, he has been walking on the roof.
Don't laugh, I just wanted to make sure.
Is there a tree by the window?
Yes.
Is there a mobile by the closet?
Yes.
Is there a picture of Trudy on the nightstand?
Yes.
Adrian, you are in your own house.
[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]
Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.
[Disher comes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain.
You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No, all he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk; camera focuses on an article that is headlined "Who is Fraidy Cop?"]
Excuse me?
That's what they're calling him. [Stottlemeyer scruitinizes the article] We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up street map of San Francisco, and sighs wearily] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins] After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [Inserts a pushpin into an intersection] he flagged down a taxi.
He took a taxi?
Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street... [inserts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
He called his mom?
Yeah.
Well, that son-of-a-bitch better hope I don't find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]
[Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference about Sidney Teal's death]
Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal's wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.'s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?
Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?
No comment.
Captain, there's a story in today's Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.
Is that true, Captain?
No comment. [The reporters all clamor for a few moments until Stottlemeyer interrupts] All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement, and here it is: The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.
Walk me through it.
It's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber... [off Monk's look] I already called, he's licensed. Bang, bang, bang. Three in the chest.
So, I just have one question: What am I doing here?
Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
The computer guy?
Get out of town!
Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That's what $5 billion looks like.
Get-out-of-town! What in God's name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Yeah. I wouldn't know.
Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.
Well--
No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee!
Sharona, could you give me a second here? [Sharona walks away] You know, this is insane.
Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. [He uncovers Teal's leg] This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Knee pads?
Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Was he planning on going rollerblading after?
[Monk and Sharona question Sidney Teal's chauffeur]
You know, it's funny. Mr. Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.
Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine how that must feel.
Get in the car!
[Sharona solves the case by reading Sydney Teal's autobiography while working at a lamp store]
Excuse me, miss? We're closing.
Now?
That's right.
Why?
It's a holiday.
What holiday?
[Sharona pauses and looks around] It's...Lamp Day!
It doesn't make any sense.
Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Well... yeah, it kinda does.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
I am, 24-7.
[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]
I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
You won't have to get me -- I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!
[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
I'm sorry.
You don't have to say that.
Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.
[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
It was askew!
So what? So what -- why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Yes, I'm the Askew Police.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
