TV show quotes
So, what's the plan?
Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.
Reasonably sure. [turns to Mrs. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
No, I like classical.
Okay. Good. Bring him in.
Sir, are you ready for this?
What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.
Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
What do you think?
Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Forty-eight percent.
Voice I.D.?
Fifteen percent.
Motive?
Twenty.
Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.
[Stottlemeyer sighs]
All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.
[Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder]
Willie Nelson?
I'm Willie Nelson.
I'm Willie Nelson.
I'm Willie Nelson.
Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.
She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.
[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]
Are you really up there in an airplane?
It's better than being up here not in an airplane.
[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
What's that?
It's my will.
[Monk observes Stefan and Barbara Chabrol's behavior when a close friend, Bernard, comes up]
Stefan!
Bernard.
[chuckles] What a small world. Can you believe this?
No.
I was just thinking about your father, God rest his soul. Are you heading back home?
Yeah, that's right.
Yes, me too. I haven't seen you since the big anniversary party.
Ah! [Bernard turns to Barbara]
Barbara, ravissante, comme toujours. ["Barbara, lovely, as always."] [He kisses her hand]
It's a pleasure to meet you.
To meet me? Well, you don't remember. [laughs] You're breaking an old man's heart. I taught you how to waltz that night.
Oh, yes. Of course you did, I'm sorry, I'd forgotten.
Moi, j'aurais pu jamais oubliee une soiree pareille. ["Me, I could have never forgotten that evening."]
I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Since when? We spoke for over an hour. That was only three years ago.
Uh, Bernard.
[Monk takes drastic measures to stop the Chabrols from leaving Newark]
Hi! Hello. [clears his throat] Yeah, I'm, uh, worried about a buddy of mine, uh, Captain Claude Pritchard.
Claude Pritchard the pilot, yeah. He's on the tarmac right now. He's been cleared to take off.
So, he made it okay. What a relief. Unbelievable.
What do you mean?
Uh, oh, he was in pretty bad shape when I left him. We were out partying all last night, and into this morning, and…we're just…party boys.
Party boys?
Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty ugly there for--I tried to take his keys away, but you know how old Claude gets when he's totally… [Sharona mouths the word "hammered"] Hammered.
[Cuts to the inside of the plane, where Stefan Chabrol and "Barbara" toast their wine glasses]
Ladies and gentlemen, we have been asked to return to the gate. Please stay in your seats. We will be underway in just a few moments.
Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.
[repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."
Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.
[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]
Were you all here when Miss Landow died?
That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.
So - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]
No, we were in different classrooms.
Adrian...!
[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Oh - um... just making them even.
[highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
But they're even.
But they're mixed together!
But they're - they're even.
But they're mixed together.
But they're even...
But they're mixed together.
But they're even...
[changes the subject]
[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
What am I going to eat and drink?
Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?
[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]
[tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?
[Monk has been presumed dead]
I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings]
[answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. [And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!] I HATE THAT MAN!
Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
They are fiesta beads.
What are fiesta beads?
You don't remember how you got them?
Ahh, no.
Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
[gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
You wore them so... proudly!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
