Misfits · Season 1
Er... You just tell me I've inherited the power to teleport from the guy whose heart was transplanted into me, and now you're just going to walk off and leave it at that? Well, fuck you very much!
How do you wanna leave it?
Very least you could do is ask me out for a drink.
He thinks I'm Conti.
Why does he think that?
Because you told him I was!
Did I? Sorry man.
You want me to buy you a drink?
I have never paid for a drink from this machine before, and I don't intend to start now.
Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he's going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody, calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm.
[Walks up to Nathan attacking vending machine] The bloke who shot the new guy. He was on the estate again last night.
He's still looking for this Conti. He thinks I'm Conti.
Why does he think that?
Because you told him I was.
Did I? Sorry, man. [Resumes attacking vending machine] I think they've mended it. [Holds out hand to Simon]
You want me to buy you a drink?
I have never paid for a drink from this machine before and I don't intend to start now. Thank you. [Alisha walks up] Huh! Well, the bad news is, they've fixed the vending machine.
The guy with the red car and the gun...
We were just talking about him.
He's got Kelly!
Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm! [Grabs Simon] Do something, you little freak!
Conti!
He's here! [Game woman screams]
Oh, Jesus. He's kicking the shit out of her! [Community servers burst in room to see game playing on computer put on by future Simon]
Where's Conti?
He's screwing your mama. [Shoots him in head]
He's living the game. Where did all this come from?
He was the guy in the mask.
[Leading Kelly at gunpoint] Give me my hundred grand.
I haven't got your money, Jimmy. [Jimmy slaps her]
That's far enough.
Let me go, you dick.
[Hands her refuse bag of contents] Put it on.
[She looks in bag] You can shove that up your arse. [Throws bag at him]
Put it on.
[Reading off back of game case] He's Jimmy Cisco. He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery. His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.
Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke. Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car!
We need to play the game for real. If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.
So, now all we need is a hundred grand.
We could a rob a bank.
We'll need a car.
Yeah, okay. Let's rob a bank.
[Appears in door with arm on frame holding keys] What's that?
Nothing.
Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.
Go and clean my car.
I don't think cleaning your car was what they had in mind when they gave us Community Service!
Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning. And I don't give a shit.
The man wants his car washed.
[Mouths] What?
He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.
For fuck's sake. [Walks up to Shaun and takes keys]
[Community servers bundle into vehicle] We're stealing his car. Right, yeah, I get it. Let's go!
A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers, and not one of us thinks of using them to commit crime? Shame on us!
We're already criminals. I'm talking about becoming successful criminals. You know, the ones who make money, and don't get caught, and have girlfriends with enormous breast implants.
Nice one. Brilliant fuckin' rescue!
We've split up, all right?
[To Alisha] So you're available?
Not to you.
You!
Hi. Sorry about, uh, you know.
Shitting in my bed?
Yeah. Wrong flat.
It has to be like this.
Why?
So we can be together.
No, I won't let you die.
You have to, or I'll never be this person.
You can't die. I love you.
I'll still be here.
No, I don't love him. I love you!
It's you falling in love with him that makes him become me. It's all coming together.
That's what happens when blokes spend all their time playing computer games and wanking over porn on the Internet.
...Right.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
