Maybe, before we take on the next mystery, we solve the mystery of figuring how to turn me back into a human being. I mean, I have an actual interest in solving that mystery, unlike, every other one.
You deserved to be turned into a pigeon by your wife, because you're disgusting.
Ex-wife. And you don't know anything about relationships, you little home-schooled weirdo.
[beat]
Well, I think the most obvious mystery to solve is who is my mother and why did she leave me on Mike Tyson's doorstep when I was a baby?
Probably because she didn't want you. There. Mystery solved.
I'm... You're an asshole.
MarquessShe's not an "asshole". And that's not how you talk around a young lady.
Why are you still here? You got what you wanted. [referring to Mike Tyson] He's no fun, he doesn't party, he doesn't beat up random people. You basically turned him into you, except he's not a closeted homosexual.
Marquess
You know what? Fuck you!
[beat]
That's it, team. Now we're all on the same page!
Marquess
Michael, try to calm down. Just breathe, okay? Let's be rational.
I've killed 10 astronaut, Marquess. Okay. Think rationally.
Marquess
Good.
Do I have anything against astronauts? No way. Because when I became heavyweight champion of the world, it was my dream that an astronaut might take me to other worlds...
Marquess
Mm-hmm.
...for me to be heavyweight champion of those worlds, too.
Marquess
Okay.
Marquess
Uh, okay.
So why am I killing astronauts?
Marquess
Work through it.
Marquess
Okay, good.
I used to be filled with so much rage, I wanted to kill everyone.
Marquess
Uh... uh, no.
But I replaced that rage with love.
Marquess
No.
[getting mad] But now it's coming back and it's focused on astronauts!
Marquess
Rage down.
I know what's happening. The government has implanted a chip in me.
Marquess
Nope, the government didn't do that.
And that chip is making me kill astronauts!
Marquess
Nope, I guarantee there's no chip in you.
But why? Think rationally, Michael!
Marquess
Stop saying "rationally", 'cause you don't know what it means.
I have been through some real hard times, and to get through them, I believe that there is something out there. Like, um, someone had a plan for me. That my life had a purpose.
No, not that fairytale stuff, honey. I'm talking about leprechauns.
Marquess
Oh, my.
Well, if [the Old Wizard's] banned from the casino, how can he gamble again?
I know a game, a little more private.
Marquess
Okay, if we're gonna keep talking, we should get out of line.
Oh, no, I'm banned from that one.
Marquess
[referring to Mike not moving] This is just insensitive.
No. A bunch of guys got stabbed at that one.
The one at the Mandalay Bay?
There isn't one at Mandalay Bay. And... stop guessing! I could have told you where it was 45 minutes ago.
Marquess
Just pay the ticket and pull out of here, and we can come back and talk to this man.
[to Pigeon] The one at Camelot? [the car behind the Mystery Mobile continues to honk] Stop honking! [gets out of the car]
Marquess
Mike! Mike! Mike!
Dad, where are you going?
Marquess
It's our fault! This is insanity.
WWoman
Get your car out of there! I gotta take [Criss Angel] to the hospital!
How was I supposed to know you had to go to the hospital, you idiot?
WWoman
Why the hell does it take you an hour to get out of the parking garage?
Cause I was having a conversation with a wizard!
Marquess
Oh, just get back in the car, Michael. Michael, just get back in the car!
[about to smoke a joint] What?!
Michael, you can do this.
You can't live here anymore.
You can't live here anymore!
Is this about the pot? Because it's basically legal now.
No, it's not about the pot.
Is it about the video camera I hooked up in Yung Hee's bathroom?
Is it because I put a roofie in her soda last night?
[even more outraged] What?!
Calm down, you didn't even drink it. I wasted a perfectly good roofie.
Is it because I tried to take all those up-skirt pictures of Yung Hee?
[under Yung Hee, using his phone as a camera] Right now. [takes a picture]
I'm not even wearing a skirt, you idiot.
Well, when you do, I'll be ready.
No, it's not that either!
It's because...you're a disgusting filthy creature with mites all over you, and they're biting me, and I can't take it anymore!
Seriously?! You're kicking me out of your house because of your fucking bites?! You were the fucking heavyweight champion of the world, and now you can't stand a little itching?1 You can't put some fucking calamine lotion on there?! Well fuck you. Heh! I'm gonna go find a better place to live without a fucking shitty ghost.
Marquess
Hey!
With a fucking hot Asian!
I thought you people were my friends. I hope you all die! [Pigeon walks out of the house]
Marquess
Okay. Well, that went well.
[on the Mystery Mobile] P.S. [craps on the windshield of the Mystery Mobile]
I guess if there's a silver lining, it's that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with no bites.
And at least I can go to sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting molested.
Marquess
[chuckles] Well, I'm still here. [laughs as Yung sighs] Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my goodness, that's such a poor attempt at humor. [Mike and Yung leave the room] Oh, my... See you all in the morning. Hmm. It's probably going to be awkward in the morning because of that joke I just made. [to himself] Why do you try to be funny, hmm? You have diarrhea of the mouth. This is why you don't have any friends. Ugh. I'll be playing that scene over and over all night. I won't be able to get any sleep. I'm gonna wake up looking like hell. Oh, I got to call that dermatologist. "Well, I'm still here." What were you thinking?
Maybe no ships will use it, maybe it will destroy the environment and bankrupt the country. And they could take away the expensive cars, and the houses, and the pretty girls, but they can never take away your title.
Marquess
Well, um, technically, a title can be taken away for a multitude of reasons.
Okay, that's true. Good point, Marquess. Point for you. But you get a point taken away for being a dick. So, back to zero.
Okay, let's find Wang Jing and help him build the largest canal in the world.
Then we need to be in Nicaragua.
Marquess
Yeah. 'Cause the note was in Chinese, but the canal is in Nicaragua.
[beat]
Well, in that case, back to the Mystery Airline. But it won't be Delta, because I used up all my miles on Delta.
Okay, okay. I know what we can do. But you're not gonna like it.
Well, you're gonna have to take off all your clothes. Then, you'll let me take a bunch of pictures of you. Then, we put them on the internet. Put them on, uh, a pay site though, you know? And we really play up the Asian angle.
Marquess
I'm sorry. How is that an antidote to becoming a werewolf?
It's not. Come on, it's just to lighten the mood. You guys getting so serious.
Marquess
Oh, my goodness.
Marquess
Mystery Team, guess what I have in my hands?
Marquess
No!
Marquess
Hey, what! What is wrong with you?
A drawing of your penis to scale.
Marquess
Oh, oh, okay. Because it's small. Okay, very clever. No! It's a mystery.
Hey. Hey, who turned off the gas?
Marquess
Oh, Pigeon, just take a fucking damn anti-depressant like the rest of us.
Yeah, well, if any of you were really my friends, you'd let me die in peace.
[watching "On Golden Pond"] Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy from 9 to 5?
Yeah, Dabney Coleman. I love Dabney Coleman. He's a reason not to kill yourself.
Marquess
Didn't he pass away a few years ago?
What? I'm going back in the oven. [Pigeon turns the oven on and closes the oven door]
Marquess
Oh, wait a second, I'm thinking of Charles Durning. Dabney Coleman's still alive.
[beat]
We don't have to tell him that.
So do you, like, come here?
No, only once. [to the camera] But I've been here a bunch of times! [laughs]
Marquess
Where am I supposed to meet her?
She said to meet in the whipping room.
[Marquess walks into a room, we hear a whip followed by a voice moaning]
Marquess
Oh, God, I think I'm in it.
Mike Tyson Mysteries · 23 quotes
