PigeonMaybe, before we take on the next mystery, we solve the mystery of figuring how to turn me back into a human being. I mean, I have an actual interest in solving that mystery, unlike, every other one.
You deserved to be turned into a pigeon by your wife, because you're disgusting.
Pigeon
Ex-wife. And you don't know anything about relationships, you little home-schooled weirdo.
[beat]
Well, I think the most obvious mystery to solve is who is my mother and why did she leave me on Mike Tyson's doorstep when I was a baby?
Pigeon
Probably because she didn't want you. There. Mystery solved.
Pigeon
I'm... You're an asshole.
She's not an "asshole". And that's not how you talk around a young lady.
Pigeon
Why are you still here? You got what you wanted. [referring to Mike Tyson] He's no fun, he doesn't party, he doesn't beat up random people. You basically turned him into you, except he's not a closeted homosexual.
[beat]
That's it, team. Now we're all on the same page!
[to Buzz Aldrin on the ground] Wake up.
Pigeon
[seeing] Well, he can't because he's dead.
Pigeon
You know, at least he beat Neil Armstrong to something.
Neil Armstrong already died.
Pigeon
Really? When did that happen?
Pigeon
Huh. Always a bridesmaid.
Well, if [the Old Wizard's] banned from the casino, how can he gamble again?
Pigeon
I know a game, a little more private.
Okay, if we're gonna keep talking, we should get out of line.
Pigeon
Oh, no, I'm banned from that one.
[referring to Mike not moving] This is just insensitive.
Pigeon
No. A bunch of guys got stabbed at that one.
The one at the Mandalay Bay?
Pigeon
There isn't one at Mandalay Bay. And... stop guessing! I could have told you where it was 45 minutes ago.
Just pay the ticket and pull out of here, and we can come back and talk to this man.
[to Pigeon] The one at Camelot? [the car behind the Mystery Mobile continues to honk] Stop honking! [gets out of the car]
Dad, where are you going?
It's our fault! This is insanity.
WWoman
Get your car out of there! I gotta take [Criss Angel] to the hospital!
How was I supposed to know you had to go to the hospital, you idiot?
WWoman
Why the hell does it take you an hour to get out of the parking garage?
Cause I was having a conversation with a wizard!
Oh, just get back in the car, Michael. Michael, just get back in the car!
Pigeon
[about to smoke a joint] What?!
Michael, you can do this.
You can't live here anymore.
Pigeon
[chuckles] What?!
You can't live here anymore!
Pigeon
Is this about the pot? Because it's basically legal now.
No, it's not about the pot.
Pigeon
Is it about the video camera I hooked up in Yung Hee's bathroom?
Pigeon
Is it because I put a roofie in her soda last night?
[even more outraged] What?!
Pigeon
Calm down, you didn't even drink it. I wasted a perfectly good roofie.
Pigeon
Is it because I tried to take all those up-skirt pictures of Yung Hee?
Pigeon
[under Yung Hee, using his phone as a camera] Right now. [takes a picture]
I'm not even wearing a skirt, you idiot.
Pigeon
Well, when you do, I'll be ready.
No, it's not that either!
Pigeon
WELL THEN WHAT IS IT?!
It's because...you're a disgusting filthy creature with mites all over you, and they're biting me, and I can't take it anymore!
Pigeon
Seriously?! You're kicking me out of your house because of your fucking bites?! You were the fucking heavyweight champion of the world, and now you can't stand a little itching?1 You can't put some fucking calamine lotion on there?! Well fuck you. Heh! I'm gonna go find a better place to live without a fucking shitty ghost.
Pigeon
With a fucking hot Asian!
Pigeon
I thought you people were my friends. I hope you all die! [Pigeon walks out of the house]
Okay. Well, that went well.
Pigeon
[on the Mystery Mobile] P.S. [craps on the windshield of the Mystery Mobile]
Pigeon
Okay, okay. I know what we can do. But you're not gonna like it.
Pigeon
Well, you're gonna have to take off all your clothes. Then, you'll let me take a bunch of pictures of you. Then, we put them on the internet. Put them on, uh, a pay site though, you know? And we really play up the Asian angle.
I'm sorry. How is that an antidote to becoming a werewolf?
Pigeon
It's not. Come on, it's just to lighten the mood. You guys getting so serious.
Mystery Team, guess what I have in my hands?
Pigeon
Your resignation letter.
Pigeon
Your suicide note.
Hey, what! What is wrong with you?
Pigeon
A drawing of your penis to scale.
Oh, oh, okay. Because it's small. Okay, very clever. No! It's a mystery.
Pigeon
Hey. Hey, who turned off the gas?
Oh, Pigeon, just take a fucking damn anti-depressant like the rest of us.
Pigeon
Yeah, well, if any of you were really my friends, you'd let me die in peace.
[watching "On Golden Pond"] Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy from 9 to 5?
Pigeon
Yeah, Dabney Coleman. I love Dabney Coleman. He's a reason not to kill yourself.
Didn't he pass away a few years ago?
Pigeon
What? I'm going back in the oven. [Pigeon turns the oven on and closes the oven door]
Oh, wait a second, I'm thinking of Charles Durning. Dabney Coleman's still alive.
[beat]
We don't have to tell him that.
So do you, like, come here?
Pigeon
No, only once. [to the camera] But I've been here a bunch of times! [laughs]
Where am I supposed to meet her?
Pigeon
She said to meet in the whipping room.
[Marquess walks into a room, we hear a whip followed by a voice moaning]
Oh, God, I think I'm in it.
Mike Tyson Mysteries · 23 quotes
