Mike quotes from Mike Tyson Mysteries

Mike

Oh, no. What if I went blind? I can't face life if I'm blind! Oh, yeah! I'll rely on my other senses! I'll rely on my sense of humor! I'll say shit like, "So what if I'm blind? At least I don't have to look at your ugly face!" [laughs]

Mike

I bet you guys think I'm gonna talk to you about getting back up after getting knocked down in life. But I'm not. I'm gonna talk to you about hats. Not those square hats like the one you guys are wearing, which, by the way, I can't believe you're all wearing the same hat. That is tripping me out, man. Does everybody here wear the same hat in Miami? It's like a square hat with a string note . I never, ever in my life seen a hat like that. Are you all wearing the same clothes too? Is this some kind of religious school? What the fuck is going on here?

Pigeon

Maybe, before we take on the next mystery, we solve the mystery of figuring how to turn me back into a human being. I mean, I have an actual interest in solving that mystery, unlike, every other one.

Yung

You deserved to be turned into a pigeon by your wife, because you're disgusting.

Pigeon

Ex-wife. And you don't know anything about relationships, you little home-schooled weirdo.

Yung

Well, I think the most obvious mystery to solve is who is my mother and why did she leave me on Mike Tyson's doorstep when I was a baby?

Pigeon

Probably because she didn't want you. There. Mystery solved.

Yung

You're an asshole.

Pigeon

I'm... You're an asshole.

Marquess

She's not an "asshole". And that's not how you talk around a young lady.

Pigeon

Why are you still here? You got what you wanted. [referring to Mike Tyson] He's no fun, he doesn't party, he doesn't beat up random people. You basically turned him into you, except he's not a closeted homosexual.

Marquess

You know what? Fuck you!

Mike

That's it, team. Now we're all on the same page!

Mike

[reading the letter] OOO!

Yung

What's it say?

Mike

Just "OOO!" This mystery sounds fun!

[reads the letter] It doesn't say "ooo," those are zeroes. It's an old IBM computer punch card. It's written in binary.

Mike

Oh, for deaf people.

I think you mean braille, and that's for blind people, not deaf people.

Mike

So deaf people have no language? Wow. That's pretty sad.

Yung

No, they speak with their hands.

Mike

Like monkeys!

Yung

Sort of.

Mike

Time-out, time-out. Number one, if you can read computer code, it means you're a robot, and if that's so, you should have come to me and told me that earlier. And number two, who is it that needs our help?

Yung

That's the mystery. And I'm not a robot. [shows the punch card with the zeroes spelling the words "HELP ME"] It says "HELP ME", see?

Mike

You do not need to hide who you are, Yang.

Yung

Yang?

Mike

I'm proud of you no matter how you choose to live your life. Let your freak flag fly, R2-D2! Beep beep! To the Mystery Mobile!

Yung

It's Yung.

Mike

[to Buzz Aldrin on the ground] Wake up.

Pigeon

[seeing] Well, he can't because he's dead.

Yung

Oh, my God!

Pigeon

You know, at least he beat Neil Armstrong to something.

Yung

Neil Armstrong already died.

Pigeon

Really? When did that happen?

Yung

A few years ago.

Pigeon

Huh. Always a bridesmaid.

Marquess

Michael, try to calm down. Just breathe, okay? Let's be rational.

Mike

I've killed 10 astronaut, Marquess. Okay. Think rationally.

Marquess

Good.

Mike

Do I have anything against astronauts? No way. Because when I became heavyweight champion of the world, it was my dream that an astronaut might take me to other worlds...

Marquess

Mm-hmm.

Mike

...for me to be heavyweight champion of those worlds, too.

Marquess

Okay.

Mike

I love astronauts.

Marquess

Uh, okay.

Mike

So why am I killing astronauts?

Marquess

Work through it.

Mike

Think rationally.

Marquess

Okay, good.

Mike

I used to be filled with so much rage, I wanted to kill everyone.

Marquess

Uh... uh, no.

Mike

But I replaced that rage with love.

Marquess

No.

Mike

[getting mad] But now it's coming back and it's focused on astronauts!

Marquess

Rage down.

Mike

I know what's happening. The government has implanted a chip in me.

Marquess

Nope, the government didn't do that.

Mike

And that chip is making me kill astronauts!

Marquess

Nope, I guarantee there's no chip in you.

Mike

But why? Think rationally, Michael!

Marquess

Stop saying "rationally", 'cause you don't know what it means.

Mike

I have been through some real hard times, and to get through them, I believe that there is something out there. Like, um, someone had a plan for me. That my life had a purpose.

Yung

You mean, like, God?

Mike

No, not that fairytale stuff, honey. I'm talking about leprechauns.

Marquess

Oh, my.

Yung

Well, if [the Old Wizard's] banned from the casino, how can he gamble again?

Pigeon

I know a game, a little more private.

Marquess

Okay, if we're gonna keep talking, we should get out of line.

Mike

The one at the Sahara?

Pigeon

Oh, no, I'm banned from that one.

Mike

The one at Imperial?

Marquess

[referring to Mike not moving] This is just insensitive.

Pigeon

No. A bunch of guys got stabbed at that one.

Mike

The one at the Mandalay Bay?

Pigeon

There isn't one at Mandalay Bay. And... stop guessing! I could have told you where it was 45 minutes ago.

Marquess

Just pay the ticket and pull out of here, and we can come back and talk to this man.

Mike

[to Pigeon] The one at Camelot? [the car behind the Mystery Mobile continues to honk] Stop honking! [gets out of the car]

Marquess

Mike! Mike! Mike!

Yung

Dad, where are you going?

Marquess

It's our fault! This is insanity.

Get your car out of there! I gotta take [Criss Angel] to the hospital!

Mike

How was I supposed to know you had to go to the hospital, you idiot?

Why the hell does it take you an hour to get out of the parking garage?

Mike

Cause I was having a conversation with a wizard!

Marquess

Oh, just get back in the car, Michael. Michael, just get back in the car!

Pigeon

[about to smoke a joint] What?!

Michael, you can do this.

Mike

You can't live here anymore.

Pigeon

[chuckles] What?!

Mike

You can't live here anymore!

Pigeon

Is this about the pot? Because it's basically legal now.

Mike

No, it's not about the pot.

Pigeon

Is it about the video camera I hooked up in Yung Hee's bathroom?

Yung

[outraged] What?!

Mike

No, it's not that.

Pigeon

Is it because I put a roofie in her soda last night?

Yung

[even more outraged] What?!

Pigeon

Calm down, you didn't even drink it. I wasted a perfectly good roofie.

Yung

[facepalms] Ugh.

Mike

No.

Pigeon

Is it because I tried to take all those up-skirt pictures of Yung Hee?

Yung

When?

Pigeon

[under Yung Hee, using his phone as a camera] Right now. [takes a picture]

Yung

I'm not even wearing a skirt, you idiot.

Pigeon

Well, when you do, I'll be ready.

Mike

No, it's not that either!

Pigeon

WELL THEN WHAT IS IT?!

Mike

It's because...you're a disgusting filthy creature with mites all over you, and they're biting me, and I can't take it anymore!

Pigeon

Seriously?! You're kicking me out of your house because of your fucking bites?! You were the fucking heavyweight champion of the world, and now you can't stand a little itching?1 You can't put some fucking calamine lotion on there?! Well fuck you. Heh! I'm gonna go find a better place to live without a fucking shitty ghost.

Marquess

Hey!

Pigeon

With a fucking hot Asian!

Yung

Ugh.

Pigeon

I thought you people were my friends. I hope you all die! [Pigeon walks out of the house]

Marquess

Okay. Well, that went well.

Pigeon

[on the Mystery Mobile] P.S. [craps on the windshield of the Mystery Mobile]

Mike

I guess if there's a silver lining, it's that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with no bites.

Yung

And at least I can go to sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting molested.

Marquess

[chuckles] Well, I'm still here. [laughs as Yung sighs] Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my goodness, that's such a poor attempt at humor. [Mike and Yung leave the room] Oh, my... See you all in the morning. Hmm. It's probably going to be awkward in the morning because of that joke I just made. [to himself] Why do you try to be funny, hmm? You have diarrhea of the mouth. This is why you don't have any friends. Ugh. I'll be playing that scene over and over all night. I won't be able to get any sleep. I'm gonna wake up looking like hell. Oh, I got to call that dermatologist. "Well, I'm still here." What were you thinking?

Mike

Maybe no ships will use it, maybe it will destroy the environment and bankrupt the country. And they could take away the expensive cars, and the houses, and the pretty girls, but they can never take away your title.

Marquess

Well, um, technically, a title can be taken away for a multitude of reasons.

Mike

Okay, that's true. Good point, Marquess. Point for you. But you get a point taken away for being a dick. So, back to zero.

Mike

Okay, let's find Wang Jing and help him build the largest canal in the world.

Yung

Then we need to be in Nicaragua.

Marquess

Yeah. 'Cause the note was in Chinese, but the canal is in Nicaragua.

Mike

Well, in that case, back to the Mystery Airline. But it won't be Delta, because I used up all my miles on Delta.

Mike

I don't know; the price tag, and those stairs, made me very concerned.

We don't have to look at any more houses. This is the one. Mystery solved.

Pigeon

Well I think Caitlin has pretty good tits.

Mike

Now give me that bullet, Marquess, so I can shoot Yung in the heart.

Yung

You're all insane! [runs away]

Mike

That's the werewolf talking. [chases Yung through the house] Hold still, Yee. I'm trying to help you.

Yung

My name's not Yee!