Maybe, before we take on the next mystery, we solve the mystery of figuring how to turn me back into a human being. I mean, I have an actual interest in solving that mystery, unlike, every other one.
YungYou deserved to be turned into a pigeon by your wife, because you're disgusting.
Ex-wife. And you don't know anything about relationships, you little home-schooled weirdo.
[beat]
Yung
Well, I think the most obvious mystery to solve is who is my mother and why did she leave me on Mike Tyson's doorstep when I was a baby?
Probably because she didn't want you. There. Mystery solved.
Yung
You're an asshole.
I'm... You're an asshole.
She's not an "asshole". And that's not how you talk around a young lady.
Why are you still here? You got what you wanted. [referring to Mike Tyson] He's no fun, he doesn't party, he doesn't beat up random people. You basically turned him into you, except he's not a closeted homosexual.
[beat]
That's it, team. Now we're all on the same page!
[reading the letter] OOO!
Yung
What's it say?
Just "OOO!" This mystery sounds fun!
[reads the letter] It doesn't say "ooo," those are zeroes. It's an old IBM computer punch card. It's written in binary.
I think you mean braille, and that's for blind people, not deaf people.
So deaf people have no language? Wow. That's pretty sad.
Yung
No, they speak with their hands.
Yung
Sort of.
Time-out, time-out. Number one, if you can read computer code, it means you're a robot, and if that's so, you should have come to me and told me that earlier. And number two, who is it that needs our help?
Yung
That's the mystery. And I'm not a robot. [shows the punch card with the zeroes spelling the words "HELP ME"] It says "HELP ME", see?
You do not need to hide who you are, Yang.
Yung
Yang?
I'm proud of you no matter how you choose to live your life. Let your freak flag fly, R2-D2! Beep beep! To the Mystery Mobile!
Yung
It's Yung.
[to Buzz Aldrin on the ground] Wake up.
[seeing] Well, he can't because he's dead.
Yung
Oh, my God!
You know, at least he beat Neil Armstrong to something.
Yung
Neil Armstrong already died.
Really? When did that happen?
Yung
A few years ago.
Huh. Always a bridesmaid.
I have been through some real hard times, and to get through them, I believe that there is something out there. Like, um, someone had a plan for me. That my life had a purpose.
Yung
You mean, like, God?
No, not that fairytale stuff, honey. I'm talking about leprechauns.
Yung
Well, if [the Old Wizard's] banned from the casino, how can he gamble again?
I know a game, a little more private.
Okay, if we're gonna keep talking, we should get out of line.
Oh, no, I'm banned from that one.
[referring to Mike not moving] This is just insensitive.
No. A bunch of guys got stabbed at that one.
The one at the Mandalay Bay?
There isn't one at Mandalay Bay. And... stop guessing! I could have told you where it was 45 minutes ago.
Just pay the ticket and pull out of here, and we can come back and talk to this man.
[to Pigeon] The one at Camelot? [the car behind the Mystery Mobile continues to honk] Stop honking! [gets out of the car]
Yung
Dad, where are you going?
It's our fault! This is insanity.
WWoman
Get your car out of there! I gotta take [Criss Angel] to the hospital!
How was I supposed to know you had to go to the hospital, you idiot?
WWoman
Why the hell does it take you an hour to get out of the parking garage?
Cause I was having a conversation with a wizard!
Oh, just get back in the car, Michael. Michael, just get back in the car!
[about to smoke a joint] What?!
Michael, you can do this.
You can't live here anymore.
You can't live here anymore!
Is this about the pot? Because it's basically legal now.
No, it's not about the pot.
Is it about the video camera I hooked up in Yung Hee's bathroom?
Yung
[outraged] What?!
Is it because I put a roofie in her soda last night?
Yung
[even more outraged] What?!
Calm down, you didn't even drink it. I wasted a perfectly good roofie.
Yung
[facepalms] Ugh.
Is it because I tried to take all those up-skirt pictures of Yung Hee?
Yung
When?
[under Yung Hee, using his phone as a camera] Right now. [takes a picture]
Yung
I'm not even wearing a skirt, you idiot.
Well, when you do, I'll be ready.
No, it's not that either!
It's because...you're a disgusting filthy creature with mites all over you, and they're biting me, and I can't take it anymore!
Seriously?! You're kicking me out of your house because of your fucking bites?! You were the fucking heavyweight champion of the world, and now you can't stand a little itching?1 You can't put some fucking calamine lotion on there?! Well fuck you. Heh! I'm gonna go find a better place to live without a fucking shitty ghost.
With a fucking hot Asian!
Yung
Ugh.
I thought you people were my friends. I hope you all die! [Pigeon walks out of the house]
Okay. Well, that went well.
[on the Mystery Mobile] P.S. [craps on the windshield of the Mystery Mobile]
I guess if there's a silver lining, it's that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with no bites.
Yung
And at least I can go to sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting molested.
[chuckles] Well, I'm still here. [laughs as Yung sighs] Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my goodness, that's such a poor attempt at humor. [Mike and Yung leave the room] Oh, my... See you all in the morning. Hmm. It's probably going to be awkward in the morning because of that joke I just made. [to himself] Why do you try to be funny, hmm? You have diarrhea of the mouth. This is why you don't have any friends. Ugh. I'll be playing that scene over and over all night. I won't be able to get any sleep. I'm gonna wake up looking like hell. Oh, I got to call that dermatologist. "Well, I'm still here." What were you thinking?
Okay, let's find Wang Jing and help him build the largest canal in the world.
Yung
Then we need to be in Nicaragua.
Yeah. 'Cause the note was in Chinese, but the canal is in Nicaragua.
[beat]
Well, in that case, back to the Mystery Airline. But it won't be Delta, because I used up all my miles on Delta.
Okay, okay. I know what we can do. But you're not gonna like it.
Yung
What?
Well, you're gonna have to take off all your clothes. Then, you'll let me take a bunch of pictures of you. Then, we put them on the internet. Put them on, uh, a pay site though, you know? And we really play up the Asian angle.
I'm sorry. How is that an antidote to becoming a werewolf?
It's not. Come on, it's just to lighten the mood. You guys getting so serious.
Now give me that bullet, Marquess, so I can shoot Yung in the heart.
Yung
You're all insane! [runs away]
That's the werewolf talking. [chases Yung through the house] Hold still, Yee. I'm trying to help you.
Yung
My name's not Yee!
Oh, my God! Are you a lesbian?
Yung
No, I'm not a lesbian.
You're a lesbian and you're afraid to come out to me. [looks at the empty beer cans, cigarette butts, prescription medications and bottles, and a bong around the living room] Is that why you drinkin' and druggin', because you have so much shame?
Yung
This is all Pigeon's, not me.
Yung, I will love you no matter who you choose to lay with.
Hey. Hey, who turned off the gas?
Oh, Pigeon, just take a fucking damn anti-depressant like the rest of us.
Yeah, well, if any of you were really my friends, you'd let me die in peace.
[watching "On Golden Pond"] Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy from 9 to 5?
Yeah, Dabney Coleman. I love Dabney Coleman. He's a reason not to kill yourself.
Didn't he pass away a few years ago?
What? I'm going back in the oven. [Pigeon turns the oven on and closes the oven door]
Oh, wait a second, I'm thinking of Charles Durning. Dabney Coleman's still alive.
[beat]
Yung
We don't have to tell him that.
Mike Tyson Mysteries · 23 quotes
