Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.
[Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]
BDBlues Devil
I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.
Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?
Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.
BDBlues Devil
Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]
Well, see, our lawyer is not here.
Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.
[holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...
Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.
And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!
Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?
I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?
AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!
Mmmmmmm.... Reeeligggion... mmm... reeeeeligiiiiion... mmmmmmmmmm... religggion...
Pffft, this is dildos. Doesn't he knows there's no such things as religion?
You mean you don't believe in God. There is such a thing as religion.
Well prove it! Show me a miracle that religion exists!
Well, uhh, there's a Bible right there.
Well... maybe I re-evaluates my life.
Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!
Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?
Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!
I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!
PBPrayer Bolt Lead Singer
Yeah! Praise the lord!
I've seen enough. Pretty good.
What kind of church is this?
This is the, uhh, Church of the Atheists.
Oh, uhh, what does that mean?
Oh, uhh, it means that they don't believe in, uhh, God.
Oh, like Skwisgaar or Toki?
No we are Nihilists, we don't believe in anything.
Can't a Nihilist also not believe in god, too?
APAtheist Priest
Oh, God, whom we do not believe in, let us all not pray for you whom does not exist in any rational realm...
APAtheist Priest
Oh no, we're being picketed by agnostics!
[informing the band] Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being God.
APAtheist Priest
Get 'em!
They hate each other. This is gonna be awesome.
[peering out the window] Just give me a sign. Show me the path of enlightenment, dear, sweet demilord icon.
I don't wants to sounds harsh, but this is gettin' weird. He's been through every religion and he ain't decide on nothing. This kind of thing could really fucks up a band. We mays needs to kicks his ass out.
What do you mean? Why do you say that?
Because he's creepy. He's acting likes he's fucking demon-possessed. Look at him!
Yah I agree, it always happens. One band member, y'know, becomes religion, and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, y'know... the dynamic is all the boom, magic is gone... it sucks, y'know but, uh, yeah I say we kill him.
Aw come on, you dicks, he's the bass player. Without him, we're nothing. Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song, but we need him. [pause] Okay, we really don't need him, but it's my fault he's this way; I guess that's my point!
SPSatanic Priest
Greetings you children of Satan. Tonight we will pay homage to our under-lord and make sacrifices unto him, ooookay. But first, a couple of announcements, um, last week, some people left some trash behind, candy wrappers, coffee cups, and empty chip bags. Umm, okay this is a church of Satan, this isn't a waste-paper basket - c-can - so if you could please just remember to clean up after yourselves and we can avoid having, you know, ants, worms, raccoons, hail Satan!
SPSatanic Priest
Also, uh, the neighbor next door, he's on a real tear, he wants, uh, he tows cars, so uh, try not to park in front of his house, because you car will be towed and that's around $300...$300, hail Satan!
SPSatanic Priest
Pray now the prayer of revenge. On whom do you seek revenge?
I seek revenge on Rachel Ray of the Food Network! Can't you make her... eyes fall out, something? Tits fall off?
SPSatanic Priest
Satan! Grant this man the gift of revenge against his foes at the Food Network.
[whispers in awe] That's cool.
Toki Wartooth is becoming alarmingly popular with children. This is something we are not prepared to deal with. You all know our child control expert, Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig.
JGProfessor Jerry Gustav Munndig
We must fear children. We have many successful programs in place to silence and control children. But I fear this Toki Wartooth - his natural child-like ways and children's affinity towards him may be our biggest threat yet! Do you remember the sixties?
JGProfessor Jerry Gustav Munndig
Well! That was just hippies. Dirty hippies with flowers and mushrooms and acoustic guitars... Can you imagine a whole generation of children raised on... metal?
FPFootball Player
Little Juliette Sarmansadandle - she does not have much time left. With our foundation, she gets one last wish, and what is that sweetie?
JSJuliette Sarmansadandle
I want to meet Toki.
Toki, the "Wish For Something" foundation, ah, wants you to be its poster boy - quite an honour... sick and helpless children -
I'm not associating myself with kids.
These ones are dying, Toki -
Awwwh, c'mon, Toki, you don't mean that -
All you would have to do is spend a few hours, just talking to children, just -
Well how comes I can'ts sits around and drinks like Pickle? How come I can'ts fucking sits around and screws sluts or somesing? But no, you are the cutesy guy, that kids like. You gotta helps people, gets over their problem, fuck that! You dos it!
