TV show quotes
[At a concert, after performing 'Castratikron'.]
Nathan! Nathan! Can you get us back stage, we'll make it worth your while. We'll totally suck your hog. Please, Nathan! Nathan! Yeah, we'll totally gang bang you. All of us will. Nathan! Nathan! Cut our faces off. Cut my arms off.
Uhhhh... I - I - can't.
What's he saying? What's he saying?
I can't. I... have a girlfriend now.
[Crowd emits a noise of shock.]
[shrieking] Noooooo!
She's probably keeping watch, like a hawk.
Yeah, it's another judgemental bird-face band-wrecker.
What?
What? Nothing, god you're paranoid. Oh, there's my drink, over there, gotta go!
Gentlemen, have you heard of the United States Pornography Awards?
I've read reports.
This is the biggest adult film event of the year, and I believe that if we can involve Dethklok in participating, then we may have a chance at tempting Nathan Explosion and tearing his relationship apart.
I feel that this would work better if I was there, at the Pornography Awards.
Perhaps I should go, too.
I feel that I should be there, too.
I want to go, too.
No. You are not allowed to go.
So, you've been cordially invited to host at the United States Pornography Awards...
[The bands, except Nathan, cheers.]
Not the uh, most distinguished event, I advise we pass. Moving on, we have a -
Fuck that, I'm going.
Yeah, what are you, a eunuch? Sign us up!
They're not paying you, and you'd lose money.
So, fuck that, I pay them for this! I just wants to make out withs thems beautiful goils...
Well, uh... financially speaking, you -
Hey, listen, eh, "Mr. Numbers", uh, sometimes you gotta just do something because your heart tells ya it's the right thing to do...
Gots to listen to your hearts...
Now signs us up! Naked ladies, oh wowie!
It's unanimous!
[The band, sans Nathan, at practice.]
I'ms gettings worrieds. United States Pornography Awards in two days and Nathan hasn't been to rehearsal.
That's ladies for you, they rob you of your very essence! They're SOUL MURDERERS!
They're not goods enough for hims! I hates her! Yets... I would totally do's her.
Yeah, me too. So strange, is this mind of men...
[philosophically] Yeah, my little friend... we are... so evolved, yet out animalistic inskinks always remind us of who we really are.
[conclusively] Mens are the beasts... and womens... the demons of the nights...
[Nathan enters.]
Hey! You feeling all right?
[clearly excited] Aw, did she break up with you?
No. But I have some bad news... I can't go to the United States Pornography Awards... I'm not allowed.
Dude, but if you can't go, then we can't play and...[babbles] We can't go! We can't go!!!
I'm sorry...
I wanted to kiss the girls!
I want to die...
WHHHYYYYY?!
You don't understand, she won't let me!
Your relationship is messing with our lives! Our lives!
[The band tries to torture sense into Nathan.]
Your attitude is unacceptable. Why do you like that lady?
Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog! Aroooo!
Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.
You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?!
I DON'T KNOW!
Toki?
[Toki tasers Nathan.]
It's the most brutal thing ever. It's not like regular hate. It's so much more black. If she were a street gang I'd fucking go to war with her with bottles and chains. But this is different. There's nothing I can do.
[At the United States Pornography Awards.]
And the awards for the best use of a dildo...
On "Golden Dildo"...
Dildo-dildo-a-rooney-roo!
"Kissing Lips, the kissing dildo"...
And the award goes to "Dildo Team Task Force Z".
Now be nice to this one daddy, I'm sick of you scaring all my dates away!
Well, if they can't stand the heat, I don't want them near your kitchen! [studio laughter]
I don't even know what that means!
Well what does this guy do anyway?
He works at this place, the morgue? [studio laughter]
Penelope's Father; Well, at least your mother will like him! [studio laughter]
What?
Ummm, people must be dying to work with him! [studio laughter]
Morgue, huh? This one might not scare so easily. [opens the door]
[indignantly] Do you think that a driveway is a funny place for a dog to sleep?! [studio laughter]
Uh, this isn't your dog... is it? [studio laughter]
It seems that Dethklok has decided to become professional actors. Gentlemen, our resident acting expert, Dr. Chaz Fazzledoctinhoffer. Dr. Chaz.
This whole Dethklok acting business concerns me! We've gone to great lengths to control movies and blend them together with television into one bland, lifeless face that the humanoid public can nourish off of.
You think Dethklok could really have an impact on the movie industry?
What Dethklok does for the news awakens the imagination of the public! They have... charisma... They have... it! They have... zazz...
Supposing they do make a successful movie, what's the worst case scenario?
Independent thought return, creative control goes back to the artists, actors become smart and cool again, movies become thoughtful, endings become hard to figure out, people go to theaters and... interact with each other...
And become entirely harder to control...
The domino effect...
In a world with no laws, the planets are being pillaged by space vikings. Their lives are secret to a swords fathers maker who knows the identity of a serial killer.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
And the oil rig where the haunted crypt of Maming Dalafalalao lies...
[running in fear] NOOOOOOO!!!!
And the love where it happened at...
[sinking in blood] SPACE ODIN...
BLOOD OCEAN!
Coming soon...BLOOD OCEAN.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
BLOOD OCEAN.
Blood. An ocean of blood. I wondered how many blood drops of blood there are in this blood ocean. I wondered how much is in... in a drop. I wondered, how I - let's just say there are possibly...
I am just a cop. A cop who happens to be a serial killer. How did I get here in this blood ocean? I guess it all started a long time ago, far away from here...
[a voice over] Our planet is in search of blood. It will have to be a whole ocean of blood.
Whats the hells, that isn't hows I sound!
[in a very high voice; sounds like he is either drunk or high] I'm torn between my evil desires and the quest for justice in earth -
...Take this, and multiply by the volume of the water in the ocean, 'cause it's blood, a blood ocean, and the water... I found, I found it out, there's trillions of gallons -
Oh what the fuck, what a piece of shit.
Was I more fat, or was I more stupid-looking? My god I'm hideous.
Who's was thats voice?
It didn't even make sense! [to Ofdensen] You, do whatever it takes, that piece of crap ain't comin' out!
Aw, nots even ons D Vee D?
Hello boys, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Mr. Grishnack, that movie cannot come out. It's crap!
Now don't be drastic, this happens all the time. We just happened to make another, what you call in this business, a real piece o' shit!
So you're not going to release it...
Normally, a movie like this, I'd just, I'd just eat it and it would die, but since it's you, oh yeah, we're gonna put this out, and it's gonna make the money back. I don't care if it's gonna ruin your careers, I'm making my money back. It's Dethklok in a movie.
That's our reputation you're messing with, Grishnack!
Alright, dildoes, listen up! I've been fucking over fathead celebrities since you were all shitting in diapers! Now, this movie, it's a 500 million dollar shit sandwich, and you're all gonna take a bite and you're gonna smile cause you love how it tastes! Got it? Now you go out there, your-your adoring public... I wrote all the reviews! Nobody knows what a good movie is anymore! Just shut up and smile! Remember: shit sandwich, tastes great! Now go!
Gentlemen. You've been receiving death threats from some of your fans.
So they're gonna die?
No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.
That... that's a different thing!
Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -
Right, well, anything else?
Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -
Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.
Here's the new merch!
Dis is... times travels face bag.
Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?
[voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.
Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!
[removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?
It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!
I must have traveled through time itself!
We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.
Kill 'em all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
