Did you send this?!
Well, you told me where she worked, you said you wanted to chuck her.
Not by fax!
S2 E3How to Dump Your Girlfriend
S2 E4Troublesome 12-Inch
Oh, like a date sort of thing. That's what you wanted the change for earlier, isn't it?
No, I wanted to get a packet of fags.
Hey, Tony. I can't stay away, can I? (Chuckles) You know that record I brought you? I've had a rethink.
Oh, well, I've already sold it to another collector.
Well, get it back.
I can't. He's probably sold it himself by now.
Well, what am I going to tell Dorothy?
Well, you said it was your record.
I was lying.
Well, what's the point of lying to me?
I'm sorry. I've sort of got the habit of it with Dorothy. What am I going to do?
Why don't you just tell her you sold it for her as a surprise?
No, she'd say I was going to keep the money for myself.
Weren't you?
Of course I was. I'm not a bloody charity, am I? Besides, it's got sentimental value. She'll be upset. She still hasn't forgiven me for burying her gerbil alive.
Uh, hang on. Look, you're in luck.
Oh, great.
Yeah, except it's the normal edition.
Oh. Never mind. It'll have to do. Thanks, Tony. You've saved my life.
Gary?
Yeah?
15 quid.
It's not worth that much.
Yeah, I know. I'd like you to let you have it for less, but I know you're desperate.
S2 E5Going Nowhere
Help. Help.
(yells) Help!
S2 E6People Behaving Irritatingly
Just relax, Gary.
I'm perfectly relaxed. Will you stop using all my bloody water?!
S3 E1Lovers
I once turned down an eightsome, which is like a threesome plus a fivesome.
Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.
Does this office have to sound like an episode of Little House On The Prairie?
Well, we're a bit like that, aren't we? Little Office On The Prairie.
Don't be twee, Anthea.
S3 E4Weekend
[on the way to the countryside]
Maybe I should move down here.
Nah, you'd miss the sophisticated city talk.
What, you and Tony discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
That's a bit unfair. Oh, look at those lovely hedges... so what are the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
S3 E5Cleaning Lady
You bastard.
Oh, bastard, is it? Well, at least I'm not a dork and that's what she called you.
Ah! She doesn't know the word "dork". Ha.
Well, she looked it up in a dictionary, and she couldn't decide between "dork", "jerk" and "berk".
S3 E6Marriage
[on his daffodil present to Deborah being thrown away]
Excuse me! That was a present.
RRay
Oh, yeah, right, I could tell it was from you, it was scrawny, served no obvious purpose, and neither of us liked it.
Well, I'll have it back then, please.
Why?
I wanna do some cuttings.
How can you do cuttings from a dead daffodil?
You make incisions in the green, middle, stick-y bit, put it in the airing cupboard, couple of days, hey-presto... tulips!
Enter Tony, clutching his groin in pain
I think I'm getting married.
I don't think I am.
S4 E2Infidelity
Bye, Dorothy, mate.
Bye, Tony, mate.
It's so unfair. Well, don't come to me when you're old and wobbly expecting to share my soup!
S4 E3Pornography
[after finding Tony's stash of porographic magazines]
JJill
Does that really turn you on?
How can that possib... yeah, it does actually.
JJill
How can it?
She's naked.
JJill
Yeah, but she's obviously freezing to death, she's sitting on a fork-lift truck feeling exposed, and stupid, and like a piece of meat. How can that turn you on?
Well, she's naked, look at it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Men Behaving Badly pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.