You've left it a bit late, haven't you? She's probably off to see this new bloke now.
GaryNo, she saw him last night.
That must be why she was looking so knackered.
Gary
If you must know, they were up late playing chess
Is that what she told you?
Gary
What's that supposed to mean?
No, you're probably right actually. When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other, can you? You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of chess before you go, rush home afterwards have another game of chess. Possibly in the shower, when you're all soapy. Then in the morning, you play with each other's pieces again. Even if you've woken up in the night and whopped your bishop out. Then you see her bending over to do her shoes up, and you can't resist giving her a right good chessing before she goes to work.
Bye, Graham, nice to meet you. Must have a game of chess some time.
GGraham
Sorry, I don't play chess.
Gary
What?
GGraham
I don't play chess.
Gary
Oh, you "don't play chess"?
Gary
You, don't play chess! HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY CHESS WITH MY DOROTHY!
Gary
GET OUT OF MY FLAT, THE PAIR OF YOU!
GGraham
[to Dorothy] Is he always like this?
Gary
GET OFF TO YOUR POXY HOSPITAL, AND DON'T PLAY CHESS TOGETHER! GET OUT!
Don't mind them. We could have a game of chess if you want to.
No, it's not that. You're leaning on my hair.
Gary
Oh, sorry.
I'm just showing you what it would be like if you went out with me.
Yes, but it never stays like this. How long would the flowers last? A week? A month?
They'd last forever. They're plastic.
That's what I love about going out with you, Gary, it's an endless orgy of glamour and entertainment.
Gary
Dorothy's usual, please, Les.
Vodka in a chipped glass with a dribble of flat tonic and an aftertaste of cigarette ash.
LLes
Oh, yeah. I remember now.
Gary
I've had some bad news. Had a postcard from Dermot. He's not coming back.
Have fallen in love with a croupier called Letizia. We're going around the world on her Yamaha. Is that an organ?
Gary
No, it's a motorbike.
Send my Polynesian love ball and other important items to my mum. Sell everything else, my saucepans, et cetera, to cover what I owe you. Thanks. Generous of him.
Gary
Well, it would be if his possessions weren't worth precisely £16.47.
Gary
Eight hundred and sixty two quid.
Weather lovely. Rimini has a body shop. Oh. A donkey, having sex with another donkey.
Gary
Why doesn't anybody take me around the world?
Cause they know they'd have a crap time.
Gary
I've been writing an ad for the newspaper.
Gary
You'll use it as an excuse for a cheap laugh.
Gary
You always do.
(tuts). Ah, looks fine. You don't think Jacuzzi's pushing it a bit, do you?
Gary
Why?
Gary
No, but if you whoosh to the shower attachment in the bath, it's just like it, honestly.
Don't you think you should put bath with shower attachment you can whoosh round a bit?
Gary
Too many words.
LLes
Yeah. (chuckles) I'll tell you how you can get a Jacuzzi when you're in the bath. (Chuckles)
Gary
Les, are you going to say what I think you're going to say?
Gary
You see, I don't want to attract the wrong sort of person.
No, Marjorie and I talked about taking lodgers in, but she was scared of congestion on the stairs.
Gary
God, yeah, scary.
So, we thought about (grunts softly) letting out the room downstairs next to our living room.
Gary
Isn't that your kitchen, George?
Yes. I think that's why we decided against it in the end.
Gary
Anyway, these questions should weed out any unsuitable candidates.
Gary
Hey, Tony. I can't stay away, can I? (Chuckles) You know that record I brought you? I've had a rethink.
Oh, well, I've already sold it to another collector.
Gary
Well, get it back.
I can't. He's probably sold it himself by now.
Gary
Well, what am I going to tell Dorothy?
Well, you said it was your record.
Gary
I was lying.
Well, what's the point of lying to me?
Gary
I'm sorry. I've sort of got the habit of it with Dorothy. What am I going to do?
Why don't you just tell her you sold it for her as a surprise?
Gary
No, she'd say I was going to keep the money for myself.
Gary
Of course I was. I'm not a bloody charity, am I? Besides, it's got sentimental value. She'll be upset. She still hasn't forgiven me for burying her gerbil alive.
Uh, hang on. Look, you're in luck.
Gary
Oh, great.
Yeah, except it's the normal edition.
Gary
Oh. Never mind. It'll have to do. Thanks, Tony. You've saved my life.
Gary
Yeah?
Gary
It's not worth that much.
Yeah, I know. I'd like you to let you have it for less, but I know you're desperate.
[on the way to the countryside]
Maybe I should move down here.
Gary
Nah, you'd miss the sophisticated city talk.
What, you and Tony discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
Gary
That's a bit unfair. Oh, look at those lovely hedges... so what are the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
Gary
You bastard.
Oh, bastard, is it? Well, at least I'm not a dork and that's what she called you.
Gary
Ah! She doesn't know the word "dork". Ha.
Well, she looked it up in a dictionary, and she couldn't decide between "dork", "jerk" and "berk".
Men Behaving Badly · 98 quotes
