Jonah Miller quotes from Melrose Place

Ella

[shows up when David and Lauren are kissing] Oh, geez. Please don't tell me you called me out here to be the "P" in PDA.

David

I texted you because I have an announcement to make.

Jonah

Hey, what's going on, David?

David

Last night, the police arrested my father. He was the one who murdered Sydney. We all know that Auggie was innocent, and now with the right man in custody, it's only a matter of time before he's exonerated.

Ella

I hope there's a greeting card for "sorry we all thought you stabbed the landlord to death."

Ella

[throws a white scarf at Jonah, who's sitting at his computer] Ungaro is the closest thing I have to a white flag. [he drops the scarf on the floor] So how long do you plan on hating me? Because these heels make walking on eggshells very tough.

Jonah

Oh, I'm sorry. Did, um, selling me out inconvenience you?

Ella

Okay, look, Jonah, I get it, all right? I mean, you have a million reasons why you should hate my guts, but... Not having you in my life, it really sucks, Jonah.

Jonah

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Ella

Hey! I walk around all day acting like some unflappable tough-as-nails bitch who doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks about me, but when I'm with you, I just... I don't know. You make me feel like I'm better than that.

Jonah

Oh, I'm so happy I could help boost your self-esteem.

Ella

Wait. Wait! I don't wanna be just a one-night stand.

Jonah

You're not.

Ella

No, Jonah, Jonah, I'm serious. Are you sure you wanna do this?

Jonah

Yes, I'm sure.

Jonah

The last 24 hours have just been pretty overwhelming. I just need some time to think.

Ella

Oh, yeah... Okay, you go think, Socrates.

Jonah

[referring to the blaring guitar sound coming from Drew's apartment] Oh, so not the cure to my hangover.

David

That is the new guy that moved into Auggie's place.

Ella

We traded zen chef for a poor man's Van Halen.

Jonah

Tell him to stop.

Ella

Yeah, you go get him, Lor. You do not bother that girl when she's trying to sleep in.

Lauren

Hello! Hi! [unplugs Drew's guitar from the amplifier and takes off his headphones] Excuse me! Hi!

Drew

Oh. Oh. Hey. Want to make a request?

Lauren

Yeah, shut up! Half of West Hollywood's trying to sleep.

Drew

Oh, crap, I'm sorry. I didn't know my speaker was on. I hate when that happens. Plus, had I known everybody was listening, I for sure would have played Clapton.

Lauren

Okay, I don't know who you are, or which tour bus you fell off, but I get to sleep in one day a year. And today was that day.

Jonah

[while discussing his film with Owen Anderson] Riley just has this teeny bad habit of changing her mind.

Riley

Oh, yeah, see, he's referring to our engagement. I didn't answer his proposal immediately, then all hell broke loose, and we broke up.

Brok... Dude, splitsville? No way. Where's that story?

Ella

Hey, look, they may have broken up, but that does not mean that they didn't share a storybook love story.

Riley

Storybook? You slept with him.

Whoa, what? Dude, Jacob and Rachel's destinies are cosmically intertwined, and you cheated on her?

Jonah

No, no, see, I didn't cheat on her because Riley and I had already ended things, so technically it was over.

Riley

[turns to Ella] And who was there waiting? The vulture in Versace.

Ella

Oh, well, there's that sense of humor we were just talking about.

Ella

Look, Jonah, I should not have asked you to drag Riley into a dog and pony show. Okay, this whole thing was a mistake.

Jonah

No, we both had to vent. We just chose the worst possible venue ever.

Ella

No, I'm talking about us. We... are a mistake. You and Riley are cut from the same snuggly, fuzzy cloth, and I'm... well, let's face it, I'm industrial-strength sandpaper.

Jonah

Ella...

Ella

No, you guys have five years of fairy tale. And what do I have, five years of one-night engagements?

Jonah

Yeah...

Ella

I can kick open doors for your career all day long, but when it comes to actually opening myself up and letting somebody in, it's... it's an entirely different story. And yes, I am selfish... but it's just because I don't want to get hurt.

Jonah

Ella...

Ella

No, Jonah, I'm serious. Why do you think that I spend every last ounce of energy that I have on my career? Or why I'd rather be at a business meeting than a candlelit dinner? I'm not as tough as you think, okay? I can't handle having my heart broken.

Jonah

You don't want a dog?

Ella

Oh, no, no, no. You see, dogs and I don't really match up.

Jonah

What do you mean?

Ella

All the hair everywhere, the throw up, the humping of the leg. It's like living with a frat boy on all fours.

Drew

Unless I'm wrong, you had a pretty well-defined thing going with Riley. Living together, totally committed and totally comfortable.

Jonah

And?

Drew

And look where that got you. See, with a girl like Ella, you have to let go of all preconceptions. If you stop trying to make her into someone she's not, you may end up liking the person she already is.

Ella

Look, Jonah, I'm sorry, okay? I tried. But if it means giving up who I am, then I guess I'm not couple material. No his and hers towels. No one drink, two straws. No.

Jonah

Guess a, uh, tandem bicycle's totally out of the question?

Jonah

Ella. Come here. I have yet to master the art of solo drinking. Help me sample some of these delicious cocktails.

Ella

Oh, it is like you looked inside my brain and saw a flashing martini glass. [belting down her cocktail]

Jonah

Oh, gosh. Either you're trying to set a speed drinking record, or you had one bad day at the office.

Ella

Mmm. I was going to text you on my way home, but I gave up texting and driving.

Ella

[the morning after the party] You smell like one part chlorine, two parts tequila.

Jonah

Oh, God. I really tackled Drew into the pool, didn't I?

Ella

Yes. You did.

Jonah

Oh, well, that's bad.

Ella

Normally I find a brawl between two red-blooded boys kinda hot, but when it's over your ex-fiancée, not so much.

Jonah

2,000 big ones. That's awfully generous of you.

Ella

Oh, well, you know how passionate I am about the environment.

Jonah

This is a fundraiser for a school program.

Ella

Whatever.

Ella

[after Jonah told Ella he kissed Riley after the NYU mixer] Jonah, I told you upfront that I wasn't gonna be your rebound.

Jonah

You weren't. You're not. Ella, I really care about you a lot.

Ella

Okay, no, Jonah, just—just stop, okay? You come off as this—this sweet, sensitive, honest guy, the type of guy that would never break a girl's heart in a million years.

Jonah

Ella, look, I never, ever meant to hurt you. I swear.

Ella

Oh, you know what? Thank you. Seriously. Because of you, I've realized that maybe monogamy isn't the end of life as we know it. Maybe I... maybe I can be in a real relationship. Just not with you.