Melrose Place quotes

[talking to two other agents] So here's the thing. Your client has gone from inside the Actors Studio to outside of Coco de Ville doing blow with somebody else's boyfriend.

1Agent #1

We're agents, not babysitters.

She needs a new publicist. She needs me.

Ella, Sydney's in trouble. She keeps text-bombing me. I gotta go.

Gotta lose that leash, dude.

It's not like that. I'll call you later.

Hello! Excuse me. You're my ride.

[hands Ella a $100 bill] Here, cab it.

Who wants another shot?

View quote →

I know Sydney could sometimes rub people the wrong way, but to think someone could actually stick a knife in her.

Yeah, well, karma sucks. You stab enough people in the back, and eventually, you get a knife in your own.

AAuggie

Ella, she was just zipped into a body bag. How about showing a shred of respect?

View quote →

[after David was interrogated] Hey, O.J.

Look, Ella, I knew you could pull strings, but LAPD? That's huge. What did you tell them?

You couldn't have killed Sydney because you were at my place.

At 5:30 in the morning? Everybody's going to think that we hooked up.

Oh, so, it gives them something to tweet about.

View quote →

[In a flashback of Ella's]

Why did you tell David? He never needed to know.

David is my friend. You were sleeping with his father. What was I supposed to do?

I thought I was your friend. You were like a sister to me, Ella. Who got you this apartment, your first job? If it wasn't for me, you would still be wearing Juicy sweatsuits with French tips and a bad dye job.

So what? That makes me your indentured servant for the rest of my life?

No. I just never expected you to do that to me. You have until the end of the month. I want you out.

You're evicting me? You can't do that.

Actually, I can do a lot worse. Just ask the people who used to live here.

Oh, what? Am I supposed to be scared of you?

Probably. Because when I'm through with you, you are gonna leave LA the same way that you arrived... a pathetic wannabe.

View quote →

I don't get you, El. That guy at Coal and then that couple at the farmer's market. Don't you just want to meet someone and settle down and fall in love?

You can love someone without declaring yourself exclusive for the rest of your life. Hey. I love love. I just hate monogamy.

View quote →

[Jonah and Riley are making out in the bedroom when Ella knocks on the door]

[after Riley opens the door] Hi. What are you still doing here?

Riley

Uh, I live here.

[shows up putting his shirt back on] Ella, what's going on?

God, Jonah and Rilus interruptus?

View quote →

[comes into Caleb Brewer's office] Hi. I'm Ella. Simms? Junior publicist?

Right. You work under Phillip.

Worked. From what I hear, he's past tense, and quite frankly, good call. Never trust a man who spray-tans.

Or a woman who has no loyalty for her coworker. [hands Ella a box] Here you go. Pack up your office.

What?

You know... think of this as the Titanic, Ella. There's only so much room on the life raft.

Caleb... I never say this to a man, but I am now. Letting me go would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Oh, I seriously doubt that.

Give me the weekend, and I promise, I will bring a client into this firm that is bigger than Zach Quinto's eyebrows.

View quote →

JJasper

You think I need a publicist? Past few months, I've been on the cover of more magazines than the Queen.

And that is exactly your problem, my friend. You're overexposed. Don't let Jasper Barnes become the next Josh Hartnett.

JJasper

If you really wanted to make the right impression, you wouldn't be prattling on about overexposure. You'd be unbuttoning my trousers.

Yeah, I don't take on small jobs.

JJasper

Cheeky, huh? Okay. Maybe I'll set up a proper meeting with you, talk about my long-term needs. Only if tonight, we focus on my more immediate one.

Follow me. [Ella and Jasper go to a more secluded area of the party] Okay, drop 'em. [Jasper drops his pants] Mmm... nice. You see what's in my hand, you dumbass? [Takes a picture of Jasper's genitalia with her BlackBerry]

JJasper

Bloody hell!

You want my two cents as a publicist? I'll give you three. One: put your junk away. Just because it's British does not make it any less offensive. Two: when Andy Dick calls asking you to cohost the Spike TV Awards, the answer, and the only answer, is no. And three: when you're out in public, every single thing you do is one click away from being texted to Perez. I told you you were overexposed. Oh, and by the way... I deleted it. Ta ta.

View quote →

What are you doing in here? You better not be going through the medicine cabinet without me. After what I've just been through, I could use a benzo or 12.

All they had were blood thinners, not my thing.

You know what? I think you are just being greedy. Or you're lying.

I'm not the delinquent you think I am. Let's go.

I know you're a guy that Trudy's not the least bit interested in. I am so on to you, dude. You lurk around with this deep, dark brooding secret. You know it's only a matter of time before I find you out.

There's nothing to figure out. I am who I am.

Yeah, you're so full of it. That's who you are. And it is becoming more and more difficult for me to be friends with somebody who's hiding something from me.

If I show you something, you promise to keep it between us?

You're not going to flash me, are you? Because I think I've seen enough flappage for tonight, thank you.

View quote →

You wanted to see me?

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, it's Monday.

And I am a woman of my word. Have you heard of Trudy Chandler? Stylist to the stars? I am this close to signing one of her clients.

Uh, well, "this close" wasn't part of the deal. You know, in fact, I am familiar with Trudy Chandler. So familiar, in fact, that I stopped by her house Saturday night.

You were at that party?

Not only was I there, but, uh, I made quite an impression. I signed Jasper Barnes.

Okay, that's impossible because I know what it takes to sign that guy, and there is no way that you could've...

Oh, sweetheart, you really need to recalibrate that gaydar.

Okay, you may be into men, but Jasper was into me.

He is an actor. He's into anybody that can pleasure him personally or professionally. And apparently, you fall into the latter category.

What?

Despite my best "signing" techniques, which were... well, more than enough to seal the deal, he insisted that you be his point person. He said he's never met a publicist as ballsy as you are.

Well, he was right.

View quote →

[after receiving a text message from Caleb on her BlackBerry] Mother...!

Lauren

Morning. You want coffee?

I want sleep and another set of opposable thumbs.

View quote →

What are you doing here?

This is where they put my desk. Your turn.

Our client, Kavi DeKnight, he walked off the set of Boomkat's new music video this morning.

Yeah. I am already on it.

Uh, if you were on it, then TMZ wouldn't have caught Kavi sprinting past MOCA screaming like a madman.

What did Kavi expect? Taryn's a live grenade. She thinks everyone's stalking her.

Meanwhile, Kavi's credibility as a director is quickly becoming a PR Hindenburg.

Caleb, relax. This thing spins like a top. Kavi had a bad burrito and went home. Done. Let craft service take the hit.

View quote →

[after Taryn Manning pointed a gun at him when he stopped by her bus] Now when you say the original director walked out the set, did you actually mean it was more of a run followed by a duck-and-cover?

So Taryn's a little paranoid.

A little? She's packing heat, El!

Oh, please! She had a bad run-in with a stalker, and now she's got trust issues. The gun's her security blanket. I doubt it's even loaded.

Yeah, well, guess who's not sticking around to find out.

Jonah, come on! With your people skills, she's like putty in your hands.

Yeah, maybe the kind they make C-4 explosives with, sure. Gosh, El, seriously! What did you get me into here? I'm a director, not a hostage negotiator.

Look, if I didn't think you could do it, I wouldn't be risking my entire career for you.

What? What's wrong with your career?

You know it must be tragic when I can't even sugarcoat it. I can't drop the ball in front of my new boss, okay?

You won't, though... you're, like, the superhero of spin. You'll be fine.

You don't have to convince me I'm good. I'm great. It's just that my new boss is dead set on turning my office into his very own private cigar lounge.

I never realized there was a guy on this planet that actually intimidated you.

Well, maybe I didn't want to lose your respect. Look... the bottom line is that I hired you because I believe in you.

I never thought I would actually say this, but... let me see what I can do about getting the .45 away from the crazy chick in the bus.

View quote →

[after Jonah decides to make changes to Boomkat's music video] Okay, Jonah, spit out the LSD. The label approved the storyboards. You can't change anything.

Ella, this video is flat. Taryn looks like the Tin Man who's in serious need of some WD-40.

View quote →

TTaryn

[after Jonah finishes shooting the video] So, you're coming to the loft party, right?

Uh, I don't know. That's the first I've heard of it.

TTaryn

Oh. Well, apparently, there's a stripper pole in one of the bedrooms. So, I was thinking you could grab that camera and direct me in something a little more private.

That sounds like a very interesting project, but... I'm gonna have to pass.

TTaryn

So I guess it's true: once gun-shy, always gun-shy. Pow. Bye.

What, you're not into rock stars? Guess schoolteacher's more your speed.

It's been a long day, Ella.

You're not seriously going home to your bride-in-waiting?

Yeah, I treated her like crap today, El. None of this means anything unless I have someone to share it with.

You were brilliant today, Jonah. When you focus and you execute, you're unstoppable. Why would you let anyone come in the way of that?

Because I'm not like you, El. I can't just turn off my emotions, okay? When I said I wasn't thinking about Riley, she was still on my mind. She's always with me.