Caleb quotes from Melrose Place

Ella

[comes into Caleb Brewer's office] Hi. I'm Ella. Simms? Junior publicist?

Caleb

Right. You work under Phillip.

Ella

Worked. From what I hear, he's past tense, and quite frankly, good call. Never trust a man who spray-tans.

Caleb

Or a woman who has no loyalty for her coworker. [hands Ella a box] Here you go. Pack up your office.

Ella

What?

Caleb

You know... think of this as the Titanic, Ella. There's only so much room on the life raft.

Ella

Caleb... I never say this to a man, but I am now. Letting me go would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Caleb

Oh, I seriously doubt that.

Ella

Give me the weekend, and I promise, I will bring a client into this firm that is bigger than Zach Quinto's eyebrows.

Ella

You wanted to see me?

Caleb

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, it's Monday.

Ella

And I am a woman of my word. Have you heard of Trudy Chandler? Stylist to the stars? I am this close to signing one of her clients.

Caleb

Uh, well, "this close" wasn't part of the deal. You know, in fact, I am familiar with Trudy Chandler. So familiar, in fact, that I stopped by her house Saturday night.

Ella

You were at that party?

Caleb

Not only was I there, but, uh, I made quite an impression. I signed Jasper Barnes.

Ella

Okay, that's impossible because I know what it takes to sign that guy, and there is no way that you could've...

Caleb

Oh, sweetheart, you really need to recalibrate that gaydar.

Ella

Okay, you may be into men, but Jasper was into me.

Caleb

He is an actor. He's into anybody that can pleasure him personally or professionally. And apparently, you fall into the latter category.

Ella

What?

Caleb

Despite my best "signing" techniques, which were... well, more than enough to seal the deal, he insisted that you be his point person. He said he's never met a publicist as ballsy as you are.

Ella

Well, he was right.

Caleb

What are you doing here?

Ella

This is where they put my desk. Your turn.

Caleb

Our client, Kavi DeKnight, he walked off the set of Boomkat's new music video this morning.

Ella

Yeah. I am already on it.

Caleb

Uh, if you were on it, then TMZ wouldn't have caught Kavi sprinting past MOCA screaming like a madman.

Ella

What did Kavi expect? Taryn's a live grenade. She thinks everyone's stalking her.

Caleb

Meanwhile, Kavi's credibility as a director is quickly becoming a PR Hindenburg.

Ella

Caleb, relax. This thing spins like a top. Kavi had a bad burrito and went home. Done. Let craft service take the hit.

Ella

Aren't you late for your power cocktails with the velvet mafia pre-Laker game?

Caleb

Oh, I got a half hour and a vested interest in women's trendy denim.

Ella

Or more like a vested interest in what's under Anton's hemp boxer briefs.

Caleb

Hot, talented, successful... He's more than mere hookup material. I'd date him.

Ella

That is so cute.

Caleb

So, how's the press kit coming along?

[to Jonah, away from Ella and Caleb] No! Jonah, we need to see the details, okay?!

Jonah

Oh, yes. I can do that.

Ella

Go. I'll take care of this. I mean, you don't want to be sober for tip-off.

Caleb

Ella, keep Anton happy. Oh, and, uh... find out if he's dating anybody.

Ella

Ooh, I like it.

Caleb

What I need for you to do is take over the lunch meeting I was supposed to have with Franz Keppler. You do know who Franz Keppler is, right?

Ella

Yeah, the German wunderkind who makes indecipherable indie movies that I would rather pluck my eyes out than sit through.

Caleb

I wouldn't open with that. You know, Franz is white-hot right now that he's about to start rolling on the Bruckheimer blockbuster. So, I need you to convince him that he needs WPK.

Ella

Right. Um, okay, a couple of problems. I know nothing about his movies, I speak zero German and lederhosen is not my style.

Caleb

Oh, Anton was right. The schoolteacher's absolutely gorgeous. All right, look, whatever issues you have, just leave them at the door tonight. This launch party better go smoothly.

Ella

There is no place that I would rather be. Except for maybe Fallujah, getting my fingernails ripped out.

Caleb

Ella, I'm serious. Being Riley's handler means she's within ten feet of you at all times. With Anton in Milan, it's our job to make sure Riley's story gets out there.

Ella

Caleb, Riley is an adult. Expertly potty-trained. Trust me, all I need to do is go and drink the free champagne.

Caleb

You're doing this. Direct orders from New York.

Ella

Oh, well, you can tell New York that when we're looking for their opinion, we'll ask.

Amanda

[shows up unexpectedly at the door] Why don't you tell New York yourself?

Caleb

Amanda, um, I thought you weren't, uh, visiting for another two weeks.

Amanda

You know how I love surprises. This LA branch is drowning in red like a steer in a slaughterhouse. Now, when I hired you to give this place a makeover, I didn't mean smear it with lipstick and turn it into a five-dollar hooker. This office is pathetic.

Caleb

Uh, Amanda, you hired me to revamp this company from the ground up. I'm still establishing new client relationships. Anton V, for example. This could be a hugely successful campaign.

Amanda

Anton V? More like Anton Y. As in, why are we spending so many man hours on a denim line? And I think we both know what I mean by man hours. You could have been a leader, Caleb, but your focus shifted from your client's assets to your client's ass. You're fired. Get out. Take your bat and balls with you.

Caleb

[referring to Amanda] That woman will get inside your head and make you do things that you never dreamed that you would do.

Ella

That woman is the reason why I don't take vacation days. Okay? She's the reason why I can count all my closest friends on one hand and the reason why I spend all my money on shoes. This is where it all pays off, Caleb.

Caleb

It's your ass, Ella.