Amanda Woodward quotes from Melrose Place

Amanda

[to Ella, while getting arrested by FBI agents] You say you modeled your career after me, studied my every move. Then you know this war is just the beginning.

Caleb

Oh, Anton was right. The schoolteacher's absolutely gorgeous. All right, look, whatever issues you have, just leave them at the door tonight. This launch party better go smoothly.

Ella

There is no place that I would rather be. Except for maybe Fallujah, getting my fingernails ripped out.

Caleb

Ella, I'm serious. Being Riley's handler means she's within ten feet of you at all times. With Anton in Milan, it's our job to make sure Riley's story gets out there.

Ella

Caleb, Riley is an adult. Expertly potty-trained. Trust me, all I need to do is go and drink the free champagne.

Caleb

You're doing this. Direct orders from New York.

Ella

Oh, well, you can tell New York that when we're looking for their opinion, we'll ask.

Amanda

[shows up unexpectedly at the door] Why don't you tell New York yourself?

Caleb

Amanda, um, I thought you weren't, uh, visiting for another two weeks.

Amanda

You know how I love surprises. This LA branch is drowning in red like a steer in a slaughterhouse. Now, when I hired you to give this place a makeover, I didn't mean smear it with lipstick and turn it into a five-dollar hooker. This office is pathetic.

Caleb

Uh, Amanda, you hired me to revamp this company from the ground up. I'm still establishing new client relationships. Anton V, for example. This could be a hugely successful campaign.

Amanda

Anton V? More like Anton Y. As in, why are we spending so many man hours on a denim line? And I think we both know what I mean by man hours. You could have been a leader, Caleb, but your focus shifted from your client's assets to your client's ass. You're fired. Get out. Take your bat and balls with you.

Ella

Riley's punishment was not getting her ten grand. Why torture her? What does she matter to WPK?

Amanda

She doesn't matter to WPK, at all. But she matters to you. So if you plan on staying around for more than a week, you need to show me that you are capable of putting your work above everything else, including your friendships. Call the school. Tell them what she did.

Ella

Ms. Woodward... if that's what it takes to be you, then... I'm sorry. I guess I'm not interested.

Amanda

[referring to Sydney's death] You must've been devastated when you found out.

Michael

Oh, yeah. That was a total shock.

Amanda

Really? I mean, when she told me that you two had reignited that old flame, I thought she'd really gone off the deep end. I didn't think that she would actually end up floating facedown in it.

Michael

I didn't realize you two talked. Let me guess. You ran into each other at a support group for women who fake their own deaths?

Amanda

Oh, don't worry. I didn't come here to point fingers. I'm looking for something I loaned Sydney before she died. It's not worth much, just a lot of sentimental value.

Michael

Oh, what could possibly have sentimental value to Amanda Woodward? Some kind of medieval torture device?

Amanda

Don't you just love living here?

David

Who are you?

Amanda

I'm an old friend of your father and Syd's. Actually, we all used to live here.

David

Good times. Hey, was there something in the chlorine back then that made you guys all so twisted?

Amanda

Actually, I'm not sure it dissipated. Stealing art? Isn't that kind of a twisted way to make a living?

David

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Amanda

Well, before Syd died, we reconnected, and she opened up to me. About a lot. David, I-I gave her something of mine, a keepsake. It hasn't shown up in her belongings.

David

I'm not a lost-and-found.

Amanda

Well, if you don't have what I'm looking for, maybe you could help me find it.

David

Look, I'm all for helping out strangers in need, but after you walk in here accusing me of being some criminal, I think I'll pass.

Amanda

All right. Just know that as an upstanding citizen, I may have to do whatever it takes to protect the community from thieves like you.

Amanda

Atoning for your laundry list of sins? You're gonna be here a long time.

Sydney

Look what the Santa Anas blew in. Did you follow me here?

Amanda

You're a thief, Sydney. I want it back. Now.

Sydney

Why would I ever steal from the big bad Amanda Woodward?

Amanda

Where is it?

Sydney

I told you. I never received the painting.

Amanda

I didn't have it stolen from an Upper East Side co-op so it could be sent third class mail. That painting was worth nineteen million dollars.

Sydney

Which my client in Hong Kong would gladly pay if I actually had it.

Amanda

You betrayed me.

Sydney

Who betrayed whom? Aren't you the one who slept with my boyfriend?

Amanda

Boyfriend? Uh, Michael is happily married, Sydney. You and I were just strolls down memory lane for him. Don't use him as an excuse to steal from me.

Sydney

I thought we were friends, Amanda.

Amanda

Friends. We were business partners. I found the paintings, you turned them into cash. It was all working so well until you got greedy, stabbed me in the back.

Sydney

Don't you ever get tired of falsely accusing people? Even the Lord rested on the seventh day.

Amanda

You'll never get away with this. I want that painting, and I'll do whatever it takes to get it back. [gets up and leaves the church]

Amanda

We need to talk about my party. That is, if you can find the energy fresh off a one-night stand.

Ella

Oh... it wasn't a one-night stand.

Amanda

Well, you keep telling yourself that.

Ella

[after Amanda sees Ella with Ben, trying on the necklace] I promise you that you can trust me.

Amanda

Ella, in what universe would you think for one moment that I was threatened by you?

Ella

I wasn't implying...

Amanda

You were, and it's presumptuous. I mean, you're a a junior publicist with a barely there career. A nobody in this town.

Ella

I know. I... I'm sorry.

Amanda

You may fancy yourself my protégé, but let's be honest, you don't measure up. I mean, you have enough flash to catch the eye of Ben or any other man for that matter. But they don't stay long, do they?

Ella

I... I wasn't trying to...

Amanda

Oh, come on. No one wears a dress that short without an endgame.

Michael

Everything okay with you?

Amanda

Um, it's my heart.

Michael

You actually have one?

Sydney

[appears as a ghostly hallucination to Amanda] Tell me something. When you tracked Auggie down, how did you get him to tell you where he left the painting? Did you pay him or did you sleep with him?

Amanda

Sydney?

Sydney

Who else is gonna tell you all those things you don't wanna hear?

Amanda

You're not real. Go away.

Sydney

You can't get rid of me that easily.

Amanda

Just watch me.

Sydney

Careful. You're gonna wanna be razor-sharp when you break into Dr. Six-Pack's apartment and search his closet.

Amanda

Don't you worry, Sydney. I'm not a perpetual screw-up like you. I get what I want.

Sydney

I wouldn't be so cocky. [Amanda turns around and the hallucination is gone]

Ella

Welcome back, Amanda. We were all wondering where you disappeared to.

Amanda

Is that why you broke into these offices in the middle of the night?

Ella

Wow. I am flattered that you of all people think I'm that devious. But really, me? A cat burglar? Please.

Amanda

I found a couture button by my computer beside a strand of blond hair. I could tell by the split end it wasn't mine. What do you think you are, some kind of Prada ninja?

Ella

Do you really just expect me to sit back and let my boss frame me for a crime that I didn't commit? I mean, seriously. All I've ever been is fiercely loyal. All I've ever done is worked my ass off to make you happy. I mean, why am I your crash test dummy?

Amanda

Because you have a proven track record of veering across moral lines. The perfect profile for a serial embezzler.

Ella

My God. How did I ever look up to such a desperate, washed-up bitch?

Amanda

[slaps Ella] Get out of my building. You're fired.

Ella

[catches Amanda sneaking around in Auggie's former apartment] Now who's the Prada ninja?

Amanda

Do I look like a cat burglar?

Ella

Well, you certainly don't look like the cable guy.

Amanda

Not that I have to explain myself, but Jane gave me the master key to check on all the pilot lights.

Ella

Huh. I see. So you have no interest in the little wall decoration that used to be in here?

Amanda

What kind of wall decoration are you talking about?

Ella

Oh, I don't know, just some old painting of a Dutch guy in a goofy hat. It's probably not worth that much. I was thinking I was gonna sell it on Craigslist.