Ella Simms quotes from Melrose Place

Ella

[to Drew, taking a doll from the bunch of toys he had bought earlier with Riley] How painfully cute! Who'd you knock up?

Ella

[to Jonah, when Jo walks into the party] Oh, God. Jo Reynolds is here? Did somebody complain this party wasn't bossy and overbearing enough?

Ella

[talking to two other agents] So here's the thing. Your client has gone from inside the Actors Studio to outside of Coco de Ville doing blow with somebody else's boyfriend.

We're agents, not babysitters.

Ella

She needs a new publicist. She needs me.

David

Ella, Sydney's in trouble. She keeps text-bombing me. I gotta go.

Ella

Gotta lose that leash, dude.

David

It's not like that. I'll call you later.

Ella

Hello! Excuse me. You're my ride.

David

[hands Ella a $100 bill] Here, cab it.

Ella

Who wants another shot?

Jonah

I know Sydney could sometimes rub people the wrong way, but to think someone could actually stick a knife in her.

Ella

Yeah, well, karma sucks. You stab enough people in the back, and eventually, you get a knife in your own.

Ella, she was just zipped into a body bag. How about showing a shred of respect?

Ella

[after David was interrogated] Hey, O.J.

David

Look, Ella, I knew you could pull strings, but LAPD? That's huge. What did you tell them?

Ella

You couldn't have killed Sydney because you were at my place.

David

At 5:30 in the morning? Everybody's going to think that we hooked up.

Ella

Oh, so, it gives them something to tweet about.

Sydney

Why did you tell David? He never needed to know.

Ella

David is my friend. You were sleeping with his father. What was I supposed to do?

Sydney

I thought I was your friend. You were like a sister to me, Ella. Who got you this apartment, your first job? If it wasn't for me, you would still be wearing Juicy sweatsuits with French tips and a bad dye job.

Ella

So what? That makes me your indentured servant for the rest of my life?

Sydney

No. I just never expected you to do that to me. You have until the end of the month. I want you out.

Ella

You're evicting me? You can't do that.

Sydney

Actually, I can do a lot worse. Just ask the people who used to live here.

Ella

Oh, what? Am I supposed to be scared of you?

Sydney

Probably. Because when I'm through with you, you are gonna leave LA the same way that you arrived... a pathetic wannabe.

Jonah

I don't get you, El. That guy at Coal and then that couple at the farmer's market. Don't you just want to meet someone and settle down and fall in love?

Ella

You can love someone without declaring yourself exclusive for the rest of your life. Hey. I love love. I just hate monogamy.

Ella

[after Riley opens the door] Hi. What are you still doing here?

Riley

Uh, I live here.

Jonah

[shows up putting his shirt back on] Ella, what's going on?

Ella

God, Jonah and Rilus interruptus?

Ella

[comes into Caleb Brewer's office] Hi. I'm Ella. Simms? Junior publicist?

Caleb

Right. You work under Phillip.

Ella

Worked. From what I hear, he's past tense, and quite frankly, good call. Never trust a man who spray-tans.

Caleb

Or a woman who has no loyalty for her coworker. [hands Ella a box] Here you go. Pack up your office.

Ella

What?

Caleb

You know... think of this as the Titanic, Ella. There's only so much room on the life raft.

Ella

Caleb... I never say this to a man, but I am now. Letting me go would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Caleb

Oh, I seriously doubt that.

Ella

Give me the weekend, and I promise, I will bring a client into this firm that is bigger than Zach Quinto's eyebrows.

You think I need a publicist? Past few months, I've been on the cover of more magazines than the Queen.

Ella

And that is exactly your problem, my friend. You're overexposed. Don't let Jasper Barnes become the next Josh Hartnett.

If you really wanted to make the right impression, you wouldn't be prattling on about overexposure. You'd be unbuttoning my trousers.

Ella

Yeah, I don't take on small jobs.

Cheeky, huh? Okay. Maybe I'll set up a proper meeting with you, talk about my long-term needs. Only if tonight, we focus on my more immediate one.

Ella

Follow me. [Ella and Jasper go to a more secluded area of the party] Okay, drop 'em. [Jasper drops his pants] Mmm... nice. You see what's in my hand, you dumbass? [Takes a picture of Jasper's genitalia with her BlackBerry]

Bloody hell!

Ella

You want my two cents as a publicist? I'll give you three. One: put your junk away. Just because it's British does not make it any less offensive. Two: when Andy Dick calls asking you to cohost the Spike TV Awards, the answer, and the only answer, is no. And three: when you're out in public, every single thing you do is one click away from being texted to Perez. I told you you were overexposed. Oh, and by the way... I deleted it. Ta ta.

Ella

What are you doing in here? You better not be going through the medicine cabinet without me. After what I've just been through, I could use a benzo or 12.

David

All they had were blood thinners, not my thing.

Ella

You know what? I think you are just being greedy. Or you're lying.

David

I'm not the delinquent you think I am. Let's go.

Ella

I know you're a guy that Trudy's not the least bit interested in. I am so on to you, dude. You lurk around with this deep, dark brooding secret. You know it's only a matter of time before I find you out.

David

There's nothing to figure out. I am who I am.

Ella

Yeah, you're so full of it. That's who you are. And it is becoming more and more difficult for me to be friends with somebody who's hiding something from me.

David

If I show you something, you promise to keep it between us?

Ella

You're not going to flash me, are you? Because I think I've seen enough flappage for tonight, thank you.

Ella

You wanted to see me?

Caleb

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, it's Monday.

Ella

And I am a woman of my word. Have you heard of Trudy Chandler? Stylist to the stars? I am this close to signing one of her clients.

Caleb

Uh, well, "this close" wasn't part of the deal. You know, in fact, I am familiar with Trudy Chandler. So familiar, in fact, that I stopped by her house Saturday night.

Ella

You were at that party?

Caleb

Not only was I there, but, uh, I made quite an impression. I signed Jasper Barnes.

Ella

Okay, that's impossible because I know what it takes to sign that guy, and there is no way that you could've...

Caleb

Oh, sweetheart, you really need to recalibrate that gaydar.

Ella

Okay, you may be into men, but Jasper was into me.

Caleb

He is an actor. He's into anybody that can pleasure him personally or professionally. And apparently, you fall into the latter category.

Ella

What?

Caleb

Despite my best "signing" techniques, which were... well, more than enough to seal the deal, he insisted that you be his point person. He said he's never met a publicist as ballsy as you are.

Ella

Well, he was right.

Ella

[after receiving a text message from Caleb on her BlackBerry] Mother...!

Lauren

Morning. You want coffee?

Ella

I want sleep and another set of opposable thumbs.

Caleb

What are you doing here?

Ella

This is where they put my desk. Your turn.

Caleb

Our client, Kavi DeKnight, he walked off the set of Boomkat's new music video this morning.

Ella

Yeah. I am already on it.

Caleb

Uh, if you were on it, then TMZ wouldn't have caught Kavi sprinting past MOCA screaming like a madman.

Ella

What did Kavi expect? Taryn's a live grenade. She thinks everyone's stalking her.

Caleb

Meanwhile, Kavi's credibility as a director is quickly becoming a PR Hindenburg.

Ella

Caleb, relax. This thing spins like a top. Kavi had a bad burrito and went home. Done. Let craft service take the hit.

Jonah

[after Taryn Manning pointed a gun at him when he stopped by her bus] Now when you say the original director walked out the set, did you actually mean it was more of a run followed by a duck-and-cover?

Ella

So Taryn's a little paranoid.

Jonah

A little? She's packing heat, El!

Ella

Oh, please! She had a bad run-in with a stalker, and now she's got trust issues. The gun's her security blanket. I doubt it's even loaded.

Jonah

Yeah, well, guess who's not sticking around to find out.

Ella

Jonah, come on! With your people skills, she's like putty in your hands.

Jonah

Yeah, maybe the kind they make C-4 explosives with, sure. Gosh, El, seriously! What did you get me into here? I'm a director, not a hostage negotiator.

Ella

Look, if I didn't think you could do it, I wouldn't be risking my entire career for you.

Jonah

What? What's wrong with your career?

Ella

You know it must be tragic when I can't even sugarcoat it. I can't drop the ball in front of my new boss, okay?

Jonah

You won't, though... you're, like, the superhero of spin. You'll be fine.

Ella

You don't have to convince me I'm good. I'm great. It's just that my new boss is dead set on turning my office into his very own private cigar lounge.

Jonah

I never realized there was a guy on this planet that actually intimidated you.

Ella

Well, maybe I didn't want to lose your respect. Look... the bottom line is that I hired you because I believe in you.

Jonah

I never thought I would actually say this, but... let me see what I can do about getting the .45 away from the crazy chick in the bus.