Jonah Miller quotes from Melrose Place

Jonah

I know Sydney could sometimes rub people the wrong way, but to think someone could actually stick a knife in her.

Ella

Yeah, well, karma sucks. You stab enough people in the back, and eventually, you get a knife in your own.

Ella, she was just zipped into a body bag. How about showing a shred of respect?

Jonah

I don't get you, El. That guy at Coal and then that couple at the farmer's market. Don't you just want to meet someone and settle down and fall in love?

Ella

You can love someone without declaring yourself exclusive for the rest of your life. Hey. I love love. I just hate monogamy.

Ella

[after Riley opens the door] Hi. What are you still doing here?

Riley

Uh, I live here.

Jonah

[shows up putting his shirt back on] Ella, what's going on?

Ella

God, Jonah and Rilus interruptus?

Jonah

[after Taryn Manning pointed a gun at him when he stopped by her bus] Now when you say the original director walked out the set, did you actually mean it was more of a run followed by a duck-and-cover?

Ella

So Taryn's a little paranoid.

Jonah

A little? She's packing heat, El!

Ella

Oh, please! She had a bad run-in with a stalker, and now she's got trust issues. The gun's her security blanket. I doubt it's even loaded.

Jonah

Yeah, well, guess who's not sticking around to find out.

Ella

Jonah, come on! With your people skills, she's like putty in your hands.

Jonah

Yeah, maybe the kind they make C-4 explosives with, sure. Gosh, El, seriously! What did you get me into here? I'm a director, not a hostage negotiator.

Ella

Look, if I didn't think you could do it, I wouldn't be risking my entire career for you.

Jonah

What? What's wrong with your career?

Ella

You know it must be tragic when I can't even sugarcoat it. I can't drop the ball in front of my new boss, okay?

Jonah

You won't, though... you're, like, the superhero of spin. You'll be fine.

Ella

You don't have to convince me I'm good. I'm great. It's just that my new boss is dead set on turning my office into his very own private cigar lounge.

Jonah

I never realized there was a guy on this planet that actually intimidated you.

Ella

Well, maybe I didn't want to lose your respect. Look... the bottom line is that I hired you because I believe in you.

Jonah

I never thought I would actually say this, but... let me see what I can do about getting the .45 away from the crazy chick in the bus.

Ella

[after Jonah decides to make changes to Boomkat's music video] Okay, Jonah, spit out the LSD. The label approved the storyboards. You can't change anything.

Jonah

Ella, this video is flat. Taryn looks like the Tin Man who's in serious need of some WD-40.

[after Jonah finishes shooting the video] So, you're coming to the loft party, right?

Jonah

Uh, I don't know. That's the first I've heard of it.

Oh. Well, apparently, there's a stripper pole in one of the bedrooms. So, I was thinking you could grab that camera and direct me in something a little more private.

Jonah

That sounds like a very interesting project, but... I'm gonna have to pass.

So I guess it's true: once gun-shy, always gun-shy. Pow. Bye.

Ella

What, you're not into rock stars? Guess schoolteacher's more your speed.

Jonah

It's been a long day, Ella.

Ella

You're not seriously going home to your bride-in-waiting?

Jonah

Yeah, I treated her like crap today, El. None of this means anything unless I have someone to share it with.

Ella

You were brilliant today, Jonah. When you focus and you execute, you're unstoppable. Why would you let anyone come in the way of that?

Jonah

Because I'm not like you, El. I can't just turn off my emotions, okay? When I said I wasn't thinking about Riley, she was still on my mind. She's always with me.

Ella

Well, then I hope she likes bar mitzvahs and birthday parties. Because if you don't start putting your career first, that's all you're gonna have to share with her. Think about it.

Jonah

Did you just tell me Violet is Sydney's daughter? I'm not a little fuzzy from my two rum and cokes?

Riley

They wanted to get to know each other better before they told people.

Jonah

Riley, in our own little personal slasher flick here, this is the part where the audience stands up and starts screaming, "Um, hello? She's the killer!" [turns around and sees Violet]

Ella

Aren't you late for your power cocktails with the velvet mafia pre-Laker game?

Caleb

Oh, I got a half hour and a vested interest in women's trendy denim.

Ella

Or more like a vested interest in what's under Anton's hemp boxer briefs.

Caleb

Hot, talented, successful... He's more than mere hookup material. I'd date him.

Ella

That is so cute.

Caleb

So, how's the press kit coming along?

[to Jonah, away from Ella and Caleb] No! Jonah, we need to see the details, okay?!

Jonah

Oh, yes. I can do that.

Ella

Go. I'll take care of this. I mean, you don't want to be sober for tip-off.

Caleb

Ella, keep Anton happy. Oh, and, uh... find out if he's dating anybody.

Ella

Ooh, I like it.

Ella

Anton V wants you to model for his new line.

Jonah

What?

Riley

Okay, I've had a really long day, and I'm not in the mood to be mocked.

Ella

I... am as serious as a shoe sale at Barneys.

Riley

I don't understand. Anton knows I'm not a model.

Ella

And that is exactly why he wants you.

Jonah

You did not just say The Killing was a better film than Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs is so much more polished.

Dogs totally ripped off Kubrick. Most of Tarantino's so-called masterpieces are overrated knockoffs.

Jonah

Yes, he appropriates. From, like, everybody. What makes him a genius is how he puts those pieces together.

I love how one of the most original voices I've heard recently is defending one of the most unoriginal.

Ella

[as Jonah arrives at WPK] Auf Wiedersehen, Mr. Miller.

Jonah

That kind of means "goodbye".

Ella

Always knew you were destined to win an Oscar someday, but I never thought it would be for acting. Bravo.

Jonah

Well, I had to come up with a way to stop Franz from slipping you the Wiener schnitzel before salad was served.

Ella

I was talking about pretending to be a publicist.

Jonah

Oh.

Ella

Jonah, hi, it's me, Ella. You actually think some horny director would ever faze me? I deal with guys like that all the time in my sleep. I think that you put your arm around me and pretended to be my beau because secretly it's what you wanted since the day that we met.

Jonah

You really are drunk. Aren't you?

Ella

You know... funny thing is, is that you and I as a couple—completely natural. I mean, Franz totally bought it.

Jonah

Yeah, after drinking an entire vat of wine, I think he'd buy anything we sold him.

Riley

What do you think you're doing?

Ella

Bringing you your wardrobe. And hi.

Riley

I just read the bio you sent me. Every word is a lie.

Jonah

Wait. What are you talking about? What's going on?

Riley

"Raised by a single mother in a low-income household, Riley Richmond fought gang violence on the rough streets of Boston's Roxbury neighborhood. Her dreams to teach brought her to LA, where Anton V discovered her on a playground and changed her life forever."

Jonah

Ella... Riley's from Beacon Hill. Her dad's an attorney who argues in front of the Supreme Court, and her mom's an editor for The Boston Globe.

Ella

Exactly. The masses don't relate to private schools and brownstones.

Ella

I just clicked on this link David sent me, and now I have these pop-ups of naked women all over my desktop.

Jonah

Oh, that sounds like a random malware installer. That's easy to get rid of.

Ella

I'm kidding. I never click on David's links. And since when are naked women a bad thing?

Jonah

Um, I'll let you know as soon as I read a company handbook.

Ella

Yeah, I'm not sure if we have one of those, although I would not be surprised if Amanda put one out written in blood.

Jonah

Wait, I thought you worshipped her.

Ella

I do, but apparently, the feeling is not mutual. Look, I am on such thin ice right now that I should be wearing a wetsuit under my dress.

Ella

Look, Jonah, I'm not like you. Okay, I'm not some jack-of-all-trades. I know how to do one thing and one thing only, and that's spin stories. I've been doing it since I was in pigtails.

Jonah

Why does that not surprise me? You probably got so many freebies from the ice cream man.