Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.
Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.
S11 E18A Babe In Toyland
S11 E19Birthday Boy Toy
I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.
Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life.
Good; then we'll be even.
S11 E20Damn Bundys
Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?
No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.
For riches and diamonds?
Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
For a Canadian penny?
LLucifer
All right, Mr. Bundy: since you find hell such a picnic, uh, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.
This is heaven.
S11 E21Lez Be Friends
MMandy
Actually, Al, I'm involved.
Who's the lucky guy?
MMandy
Barbara.
Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.
MMandy
Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.
How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.
MMandy
Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
Yeah, my favorite.
MMandy
Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?
No, as long as there's a guy watching.
S11 E22The Desperate Half Hour (1)
It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.
The woman died in your store?
Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.
Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.
Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.
S11 E23How To Marry A Moron (2)
On this very special occasion I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.
Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.
S11 E24The Chicago Shoe Exchange
GGary
I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.
Well, they made them; why would they want them back?
Hey, guess what? I finally got my masseuse license. You know what that means.
You can rub men and finally get paid for it?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.