Dr. Linda Martin quotes from Lucifer

Lucifer

It's not my home, it never was.

Linda

And neither was Hell.

Lucifer

No. No, that was somewhere I was sent as punishment. Like the DMV, but less screaming.

Linda

And what about Detective Decker? I thought you two had become... close.

Lucifer

Well, everything I felt for her was smoke and mirrors, courtesy of dear old Dad. I mean, he clearly expected me to zig, and so I zagged.

Linda

And does Chloe know that you've... zagged Candy?

Linda

[referring to the gates of Heaven] Do you mean actual gates? Like big and pearly? Are we talking clouds? Harps? Old dudes in white robes?

Lucifer

And my Dad is Morgan Freeman? Focus, Doctor.

Chloe

[plays random keys on the piano, mock-imitating Lucifer's accent] "I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I can play the piano and I'm a fancy British man."

Linda

Let's go take a peek at his sock drawer.

Chloe

[mock outrage] But, Dr. Martin, you're his therapist. Aren't there rules against that?

Linda

Trust me. There's nothing I don't know about Lucifer Morningstar.

Chloe

Except what's in his sock drawer.

Linda

The truth is, no one really knows what your Dad's responsible for. We're all just guessing. Even you. But do you know the one thing He can't control? What you do in this moment, right now. So I ask you, the Devil,.... What do you... truly desire?

Lucifer

.... I want her (Chloe) to choose me.

Linda

Then tell her.

Amenadiel

[considering baby names] What about the name, uh, "Zoriel"? That's a good name for a warrior. We can call him "Zori" for short. Or "Ezekiel". "Zeke".

Linda

Yeah. Um,... I was thinking about the name... "Jack".

Amenadiel

Hmm. Mm. [considers] Short for "Jackiel". [off Linda's look] We could definitely put that on the list. Right after "Azmortiel".

Maze

[to Linda] You missed our coffee date.

Linda

Oh, my gosh, Maze. Is it morning? I'm so sorry. We've been up all night. You're welcome to stay, but it's kind of loud.

Maze

Pain and suffering. [chuckles] Music to my ears.

Linda

Has Lucifer done anything recently to anger You?

Oh, of course not! I'm not angry about anything.

Lucifer

Oh, so what, You just banished me to hell for shiggles? Be honest! You were pissed that I threatened Your superhero status and You were dying to punish me! You wanted me to suffer!

It's impossible to make him happy. If I give my opinion, I'm controlling. If I stand back and let him make his own decisions, I'm the distant father with the mysterious ways. Whatever I do, he assumes the worst possible intentions.

Lucifer

That's because nothing is ever good enough for You! "Why don't you have a desk?" "Why doesn't your car have a roof?" "Why is your kitchen just a wall of scotch?"

Linda

[to Lucifer] You. You are an archangel. You're able to fly, live forever, coax the desires out of all humanity. Fly. [to God] And You. You are Alighty God. You are the most important being in the entire universe. You made the universe! You did that. You've had millennia to evolve beyond all the petty squabbles that we have down here on Earth. And yet? You haven't. You're basically just like all of us! I mean, maybe even worse, if you consider all the time that you've had to evolve beyond all of this nonsense! I mean, take this father-son discord! So Your son didn't turn out exactly how You'd hoped. So he can't fly!

Lucifer

Well, I think we've already established that I can fly.

Linda

You know what a good father does? He loves his son, unconditionally! Even if he doesn't have a fancy pair of wings! No matter what, supports him. You smell what I'm cooking?!

Lucifer

Usually, she's quite perceptive, but I suppose everyone has an off-day every now and then...

I believe I smell what you're cooking. In fact, I think I know exactly what to do. [clasps Lucifer's hands in his own] Get ready to be supported, son.

Linda

The scary guy.

Lucifer

Scary guy?

Linda

He's the reason I thought Adriana was mixed up in something dangerous in the first place. The other day, I saw her arguing with this big, intense... scary guy.

Lucifer

[to Chloe] Well, there you have it. First name "Scary", last name "Guy". Let's go pick him up, Detective.

Lucifer

I, Lucifer Morningstar - the Devil - have returned to rule as God Almighty. And it's all thanks to one woman. A woman with the mind of a genius, the patience of a saint. A woman I adore with all of my heart. The greatest therapist the world has ever known: Doctor Linda Martin, MD, PSYD, PhD, MA, MFIL, Master in Science, Master in Technology, Master of the Universe, Ma-

Lucifer

[voiceover] This is preposterous! [we see Lucifer and Chloe reading Linda's manuscript, revealing that it was all from Linda's book] I mean, socks with sandals?

Dr. Linda Martin

What? Your Dad wore them!

Chloe

Linda, is this what you really think happens?

Dr. Linda Martin

I don't know what's going to happen! I've been the therapist to the Devil for the last five years, and I still couldn't get him ready to be God! [pauses] I'm a failure. So I wrote a fake ending to make myself feel better.