Sam Tyler quotes from Life on Mars

Sam Tyler

Superior?! You're not superior to an amoeba with special needs..

Sam Tyler

My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident and I woke up in 1973. I had no idea if I was mad, or if I was in a coma, or if I'd gone back in time. It was like I'd woken up on a different planet. But I knew that if I could find out the reason, that I could get home. DI Sam Ty- [He checks himself]... DCI Sam Tyler, Greater Manchester Police.

Gene Hunt

They reckon you've got concussion - I couldn't give a tart's furry cup if half your brains are falling out. Don't ever waltz into my kingdom acting king of the jungle.

Sam Tyler

Who the hell are you?

Gene Hunt

Gene Hunt. Your DCI. And it's 1973. Nearly dinner time. I'm 'aving 'oops.

Sam Tyler

I need you to connect me to a Virgin number -

Don't you start that sexy business with me, young man. I can trace this call.

Sam Tyler

Ow! Shit!

Annie Cartwright

I'm sorry, sir!

Gene Hunt

Hey hey, good girl, prostate probe and no jelly!

Gene Hunt

Right, we pulled a bird in, Dora Keanes. She was the last person to see the victim alive.

Sam Tyler

Is she a suspect?

Gene Hunt

Nope, just a pain in the arse.

Sam Tyler

Okay, alright, brief me in full. What do I need to know?

Gene Hunt

[confused] She's a pain in the arse!

Sam Tyler

What, so you've handed her into lost property?

Chris Skelton

Well, we could use the canteen, but she's a right mouthy bird, this one.

Sam Tyler

Hang on, you're going to do the interview in there?

Gene Hunt

Thick walls.

Sam Tyler

I need a drink.

Gene Hunt

That's the first sensible thing you've said since you got here.

Nelson

What can I get you, man, raise your spirits?

Sam Tyler

Diet Coke, please.

Sam Tyler

Just kidding, a pint of bitter.

Sam Tyler

Large whiskey please.

Nelson

[With heavy Jamaican accent] Drink ain't gonna fix things. What am I saying? I run a pub. Of course it will fix things!

Sam Tyler

I'm lost, Nelson. I'm really lost.

Nelson

[Suddenly switching to a Mancunian accent] You ain't lost, pal. You're where you are, and you have to make the best of it. It's all you can do.

Nelson

Keep it to yourself, eh? Folks just seem happier with the other Nelson.

Sam Tyler

Now the victim wasn't gagged. Why didn't he gag her, Annie?

Annie Cartwright

Because he needed to, er, he needed to see her mouth, her lips. We have to see the things that we value.

Sam Tyler

Now put yourselves in the mind of this man. You're lonely. Every night you dream of this girl, and she's got big eyes and red ruby lips. So you go out and you find that girl, and you bring her home. But you don't gag her, cos you want to see those ruby lips, but you just can't bring yourself to kiss 'em.

Annie Cartwright

He'd get embarrassed, angry, he'd start to blame the girl. It's her fault, she's taunting him by just being there.

Sam Tyler

And then one day you just snap. Strangle her, using bootlace, and the cycle starts all over again with a different girl. And this time, you're positive that you're going to be brave enough to kiss her.

Annie Cartwright

Only you won't be.

Sam Tyler

What's that on your hand? Is that grit?

Annie Cartwright

Sand. When I was running up here, I tripped and I fell against the fire bucket.

Sam Tyler

See, why would I think of something like that? Why would I put that kind of detail in it?

Annie Cartwright

You wouldn't.

Sam Tyler

What should I do, Annie?

Annie Cartwright

Stay.

Nelson

What're your poisons?

Gene Hunt

Tan and bitter. Sam?

Sam Tyler

Diet Coke.

Sam Tyler

I'm just joking. Pint of bitter.

Sam Tyler

This place is like Guantanamo Bay.

Gene Hunt

Give over, it's nothing like Spain.

Sam Tyler

Which one are you?

Gene Hunt

All three.