DS Ray Carling quotes from Life on Mars

Ray Carling

I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.

Ray Carling

Chris, you're a div. Get in.

Ray Carling

Steady Gov, we don't want another of those enquiries!

Ray Carling

Yeah, but can you hit anything?

Sam Tyler

You should see my Playstation scores.

Gene Hunt

Ray! Go and arrest the landlord of the Trafford Arms.

Ray Carling

What for?

Gene Hunt

Think of something on the way.

Gene Hunt

In a bizarre twist of fate, the landlord was arrested this afternoon... on suspicion of cattle rustling.

Ray Carling

I think it was a heart attack.

Gene Hunt

Then it must've exploded out of his arse, there's blood all down his back.

Gene Hunt

Detective Sergeant Ray Carling, you are hereby stripped of your rank and demoted to Detective Constable. From now on, your main responsibilities will be maintenance of CID stationery cupboard. You will account for every pen, pencil and paper clip in this office.

Ray Carling

Oh, come on, guv...

Gene Hunt

You will only participate in other investigations at my discretion. Half your wages for the next twelve months, including any overtime, will be deducted by me and given directly to the Police Benevolent Fund. You are also barred from the Railway Arms until I decide otherwise. You so much as belch out of line and I'll have your scrotum on a barbed-wire plate.

Ray Carling

So, what do you want to do now, Guv?

Gene Hunt

[thinks for a moment] Pub!

Ray Carling

[smirks] Pub.

Chris Skelton

[grins] Pub.

Sam Tyler

[looks at the other three men in turn, slowly smiles] Pub.

Ray Carling

Oh my Lord. Take a look at this.

Sam Tyler

Okay, fingertip search. Off you go, lads. Like I showed you. In a line, slowly. In a line!

Ray Carling

[singing] Now, hands that do dishes can feel [Chris and two other policemen join in] soft as your face -

Piss off!

With mild green Fairy Liquid.

Dickie's famous for getting caught in Alicante.

Ray

Flagrante, Chris, in flagrante

Sam Tyler

Chris. This is serious.

Ray Carling

So where do you want this transmitter?

Sam Tyler

Up here

Gene Hunt

Chris, bend down.

Chris Skelton

What for?

Gene Hunt

Just do it

Sam Tyler

Right, look...

Ray Carling

[alarmed] The law! The law!

Gene Hunt

Get down you divs!

Ray Carling

So how'd your date go?

Chris Skelton

Oh...I-I won't be seeing her again.

Ray Carling

Don't tell me. Upstairs outside and you got a slap!

Chris Skelton

What's a vol-au-vent?

Ray Carling

It's puff pastry shell filled with a savoury meat mixture.

Chris Skelton

So its a pie then.

Gene Hunt

What if we lie.

Sam Tyler

What?

Gene Hunt

Tell some porkies. Make a big announcement that we've released Graham Bathurst.

Sam Tyler

Well what good's that gonna do?

Gene Hunt

Might buy us more time. Get the bastard out in the open. We kick him and cuff him.

Ray Carling

Sounds like a plan to me.

Annie Cartwright

God, it's always that simple with you lot.

Gene Hunt

Excuse me, Mrs Woman.

Annie Cartwright

Well, Sam's trying to work this thing out, and rest of us...we charge in like a herd of elephants! Details are what count. And I'm wondering, well I'm beginning to wonder, looking at Charley's old files, if we've really put down all the details.

Gene Hunt

We had a child killer to find. And we found him inside of 48 hours. Now I made a pledge to her parents. And I honoured it.

Annie Cartwright

Supposing we made mistakes last year. And just supposing those mistakes are coming back to haunt us.

Ray Carling

Blimey, Cartwright. Next time go the whole hog and pull the gun on him.

Chris Skelton

That was out of order, Annie.

Sam Tyler

No she was right, Chris. God is in the detail.

Chris Skelton

God is in church smarty-pants. [Sam stares] Uh, boss.

Annie Cartwright

Boss, he's got a pulse. He's alive! [Gene pours tea over the victim who moans in pain]

Gene Hunt

He is alive, isn't he?

Sam Tyler

You see, that's why you need women detectives!

Gene Hunt

You said he was dead!

Ray Carling

Well he weren't moving!

Gene Hunt

Chris doesn't move; it don't mean he's dead! Go on, Dr Kildare, get an ambulance!