Chris Skelton quotes from Life on Mars

Chris Skelton

Someone needs to take a look at you boss, you're as white as a ginger bird's arse!

Chris Skelton

C'mon, Mr. Lamb. I always say there's a time to take off the noose, and put on the kettle.

Gene Hunt

Right, we pulled a bird in, Dora Keanes. She was the last person to see the victim alive.

Sam Tyler

Is she a suspect?

Gene Hunt

Nope, just a pain in the arse.

Sam Tyler

Okay, alright, brief me in full. What do I need to know?

Gene Hunt

[confused] She's a pain in the arse!

Sam Tyler

What, so you've handed her into lost property?

Chris Skelton

Well, we could use the canteen, but she's a right mouthy bird, this one.

Sam Tyler

Hang on, you're going to do the interview in there?

Gene Hunt

Thick walls.

Chris Skelton

Bingo! I got one. Martin Ellis, lorry driver. Waiting for a fabrics pick-up at 2:30 this morning. Spotted a thickset man running of the loom hall.

Sam Tyler

Good, can I see it?

Sam Tyler

Chris, have you ever seen anybody that looks like that?

Chris Skelton

It's the best we could do.

Sam Tyler

It's a doddle, then. We're looking for someone with hamster's cheeks, a nose like Audrey Hepburn and a two-foot forehead.

Sam Tyler

You make it sound like a war.

Ted Bannister

Yeah, well, maybe it is

Sam Tyler

Worth fighting for.

Ted Bannister

Worth dying for.

Gene Hunt

Worth killing for? How did you kill him, by the way?

Ted Bannister

Look, I told you, I went home.

Gene Hunt

Liar. Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar!

Chris Skelton

LIAR!

Ted Bannister

I want to see some sort of lawyer.

Chris Skelton

A liar?

Ted Bannister

A lawyer!

Ray Carling

So, what do you want to do now, Guv?

Gene Hunt

[thinks for a moment] Pub!

Ray Carling

[smirks] Pub.

Chris Skelton

[grins] Pub.

Sam Tyler

[looks at the other three men in turn, slowly smiles] Pub.

Chris Skelton

Boss? Bloody hell, you look like something out of the Addams Family.

Sam Tyler

Up all night.

Chris Skelton

Oh aye. What was her name?

Sam Tyler

Migraine.

Chris Skelton

German bird?

Gene Hunt

We need to nail this fast.

Sam Tyler

So, we preserve the scene. We dust for prints

Gene

[Interrupting] You've seen it out there, Sam. People are scared. Pull in someone from the "we don't like you" list. We put their prints on the hammer, charge 'em, whip it past the beak. There's loads of scum out there deserve another spell inside. It'll buy us more time.

Sam Tyler

Look Guv, you wanna wear the Sheriff's badge? Well it comes with responsibilities; thorough, and by-the-book!

Gene Hunt

Cobblers! The public don't care what we do, just that we get the job done!

Chris Skelton

Too right, you don't want a mirror at the dentist do you?

Ray Carling

Oh my Lord. Take a look at this.

Sam Tyler

Okay, fingertip search. Off you go, lads. Like I showed you. In a line, slowly. In a line!

Ray Carling

[singing] Now, hands that do dishes can feel [Chris and two other policemen join in] soft as your face -

Piss off!

With mild green Fairy Liquid.

Chris Skelton

I'd hate to end up in prison.

Sam Tyler

Not very likely, is it Chris?

Chris

What if I was wrongly accused of killing my wife like David Janssen in The Fugitive?

Sam

You mean Harrison Ford.

Chris

No I don't.

Chris Skelton

Woman in her twenties, dead.

Gene Hunt

Well I didn't think she was sunbathing, did I?!

Chris Skelton

It's freezing out here.

Gene Hunt

I don't like this. Gene Hunt smashes doors down, he does not pick girlie locks!

Sam Tyler

We can't just pull him in. He's too clever for that. At least this way we get hard evidence.

Gene Hunt

I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the Lancashire Constabulary Dinner and Dance, me.

Sam Tyler

Believe it or not, guv, one day soon, something like this will bring down Richard Nixon.

Gene Hunt

Hard to believe.

Sam Tyler

Chris. This is serious.

Ray Carling

So where do you want this transmitter?

Sam Tyler

Up here

Gene Hunt

Chris, bend down.

Chris Skelton

What for?

Gene Hunt

Just do it

Sam Tyler

Right, look...

Ray Carling

[alarmed] The law! The law!

Gene Hunt

Get down you divs!

Ray Carling

So how'd your date go?

Chris Skelton

Oh...I-I won't be seeing her again.

Ray Carling

Don't tell me. Upstairs outside and you got a slap!

Chris Skelton

What's a vol-au-vent?

Ray Carling

It's puff pastry shell filled with a savoury meat mixture.

Chris Skelton

So its a pie then.