Hardison quotes from Leverage

Parker

Should I tell him it's the age of the geek?

He'll figure it out eventually.

Hey, and it is a valid strategy.

Eliot

It’s not strategy, man, it’s just annoying when you bet every hand.

Eliot

Living in your own head, Nate, the only conversation you have is with your crew, that ain’t right.

Yeah, name one person you can have a conversation with who isn’t on this team.

And don’t say Maggie.

Eliot

Look, I got my friends, my buddies from the service. I mean, hell, even Hardison’s got his little… internet friends, even though they’re all elves and gnomes --

They’re orcs, I said orcs, man, you just don’t listen.

Parker

You remember Peggy from that jury duty job? Technically, she’s Alice’s friend, but --

You’re Alice.

You’re Alice, actually.

Parker

She moved here from Boston last year so we've been doing brunch and other normal people stuff.

Sophie

And we're very proud of you.

Parker

Well, brunch isn't hard. I mean, there are forks.

Parker

I just uploaded some photos to my sky drive. Can you run that face thing that tells you if people are bad?

You mean the one that took me six knockdown, drag-out months to hack?

Parker

Yeah.

Girl, I’m trying to prove my manhood with my boys. You know what I’m saying? With my boys.

Parker

Please?

H-hang on.

Eliot

Hardison, you in or out?

What? (pulls up Parker’s SkyDrive on his laptop and runs facial recognition software) Oh, oh, okay. Parker, Craig Mattingly. He’s wanted for burglary and grand larceny in a whole bunch of countries. He is trouble. And he he’s got some strikingly good features, squared-up jaw and everything. P-Parker, what are you doing with this guy?

Parker

Thanks. You’re the best.

Wait. Parker, wait. I –

What? I'm busy!

Sophie

Look, I just sent you a picture.

Oh, let me guess, it's a picture of another handsome dude. [looks] Okay, it's a bomb! Umm. whooo...

Sophie

Yes, it's a bomb. Now just stop playing with that dog and help us!.

This about the guy that Parker took the picture with?

Yes, it's about the guy that Parker took the picture with. Who goes to a cocktail lounge in a tuxedo -- who do you think he is?

I don't know, man. I mean, what do you want me to do?

He's not even her type, did you see him? She likes chocolate, you know she likes chocolate. You saw her at the Chocolate Festival, she was eating chocolate! Gettin' it!

Maybe every once in a while take the hoodie off, put a suit on, maybe light some candles, back away from "Witch of Warcraft" and take care of…

I'm 'bout sick of you and all my games, it makes…

Hang on…

What!?

Why's it dark?

I don't know.

Hey, we beat up some dancers.

Eliot

Dancers?

Yeah.

Eliot

Those were Mexicans.

“A night of tango celebrating the culture of Venezuelans.”

Eliot

The first two guys were Mexicans.

They’re Venezuelans.

Eliot

Twinkle-toes back here knows a little more than how to do the tango, all right? They aren’t dancers.

We messed up they whole career -- all screwed up. Let’s just check the room.

Eliot

All right, this bar is the last address, man. Maybe I should handle this one by myself.

So, what, you don’t need me, either, now? You don’t need me?

Listen to me, okay? So Parker’s out with a handsome guy, okay? And he’s also a thief and also does cool thief “stuff,” and you’re the computer geek, dude --

Is -- is that your pep talk? Are you kidding? Wh-what the hell’s going on? Really?

It’s a little rough, but the fact --

It’s a little rough? A little rough? As a friend you’re dead to me. Please, do go on. What are you trying to say? I’m not exciting? What is it?

That’s not what I’m saying. If I said that, then that means I would be thinking about you and Parker, which I never do.

Than say what you need to say. What are you saying?

Maybe you’re slow-playing it just a, just a little bit.

I’m slow-playing?

You know what I’m sayin’.

Like, I need to be more assertive or something?

Assertive is good.

More assertive?

Yeah, focus.

Like the definitive Dexter’s dictionary definition of -- All right, cool. That’s all I need. That’s all I need.

Come on.

You know what? I got this.

Eliot

Want me to teach you about the wines again?

That's just hurtful. Just...just making assumptions and presumptions that I don't know what I'm-- Yes, I need you to teach me about the wines again, yes.

They were married less than a month later.

Sophie

See, love at first sight.

Eliot

Yeah, she wanted to get hitched before the background check came through.

This is my shot. This time I run the con.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes

Oh, boy.

If you let me run the con from the beginning, you would have found out that the Madsens melt down their daily intake of gold and ship it out to their brokers at the end of every day. That vault is almost always empty.

Eliot

So you knew it was empty. Hardison, I'm gonna tell you something. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? You ever pull this again, I am gonna personally make sure you're off this team, 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body!

Now, what I did was hack questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.

Eliot

What?

Parker

It's a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. They're actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...

And I've got a surprise. Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission. Parker, you're "Gold." Sophie, you're "Silver," Nate, "Mercury," and Eliot, "Mr. Punchy."

Eliot

You kidding me with that one?

Eliot

All right, that's pretty good.