Hardison quotes from Leverage

Eliot

Where's--are we waiting on Parker?

Oh, man, she's at that damned chocolate festival. It's like sending a crack addict to a cocaine convention. Girl texted me about an hour ago, misspelled every damned word. Look, "yu gedde yesh dis stuf." Probably got chocolate all over the buttons.

Parker

[over the comms] Hi, Hardison!

Um... hello?

Parker

Nate won't tell me what the name of the job is.

Parker, not now. Please?

Parker

Yeah, but what are we stealing? Is it "let's go steal a mountain" or a potato or a funeral or a panda or...

I told y'all not to let her go to that festival unsupervised.

[disbelieving] Just one piece of chocolate?

That's my girl.

She's scary.

Look, man, this is like stone knives and bearskins, okay? Nobody's asking Eliot to fight a guy with a Nerf sword.

Eliot

Damascus, 2002.

Like you've been to Damascus.

[on how they're going to steal an airline employee badge] We're gonna twist Sophie's ankle.

Parker

[asking how to get another badge] How do we get do that? Break Eliot's wrist?

What? No, we just pick one up from where the ground crew left it.

Sophie

[discussing the final step-getting into the airline tower] Well, we have to lure them out...

Parker

Oh! Okay, set Nate on fire?

Eliot

[looking annoyed] Settle down!

It's a girl's badge--

Eliot

Man up!

No. No, look, I said no. It's...not a good time. We have a tornado warning. Hello.

Tower, we need that vector.

No. No. Look. Tell the people to parachute down. I don't care. Do something. But you cannot land that plane!

Tower, we're at min fuel. We do not have time to mess around. I've got 345 people up here. This is my bird. I'm the captain, and I'm landing over your objections.

You can do that?

This thing is like the nuclear equivalent of the One Ring.

Sophie

Ring? What ring?

Oh, please. Don't get him started.

We know what security system is protecting the weight, so all we got to do is hack into it.

Okay, let's get one thing clear here. What you say "we," you really mean me. And what do you mean, "just hack into it," Nate? I don't know what this thing is. Never seen it before in my life. How am I supposed to hack it?

That's a very good question, Hardison. I'm sure you'll have it figured out by tomorrow. Good luck. [Leaves the room]

Sterling

Some things just never change. [Sophie and Hardison glare at him] Is it time for me to go, too?

Parker, that...that sounded a lot like ball bearings rolling across the floor.

Parker

Uh huh.

Was that because there were ball bearings rolling across the floor?

Parker

Uh huh.

Sophie

So, what, the salt was plan B?

No, no, that's, ah, that's plan M.

Don't I die in plan M?

Yeah, usually.

What you mean, usually? How many plans do I die in?

C, F, and M through Q.

C, that's a little close to home, man. You need to switch that up. How many plans does Eliot die in?

None. And [pointing to Parker] none. And [pointing to Sophie]...nnehh. There is a plan where he [Eliot] comes out of it with a scar from the temple through the eye all the way down to his mouth--

Parker

Ooh! You'd look so cool with a scar!

Sophie

Wait, wait, wait, go back, hold on, let's rewind--you skipped past me! You skipped past me.

Well, I have one, there is a plan, but it's evolving.

Sophie

Okay, that's creepy. Don't you think that's creepy? He's planning my death.

Until recently, they held these experiments in, like, a private farm facility, but after Schaevel's death, they moved it here, to the basement of the university Psychology building. Now, most people would dive into the question of, "why did they move"? I, however, am not most people.

You want to skip the "behold my genius" part and get to what you found?

Ever been quail hunting, Hardison?

Do I look like I go quail hunting?

Eliot

Let me ask him something. You ever played a video game where you go quail hunting?

You see, the birds, understandably, they don't like to be shot-

Parker

So they hide in the bushes. When you hunt, you have to beat the bushes with a stick. That way, you scare the birds into the sky, and there's a man waiting there with a gun and good aim, and he... [makes a gun cocking sound] ...picks them off.

That is seriously messed up. Why would y'all tell me something like that? [to Parker] Why do you know that?

Kid's making me nervous.

He's not doing anything.

Yeah, but that's my point, you know? He should be panicking, and he's not.

He's just a kid, Nate. How bad could it get?

How many grown men said that about you while you were raining digital fire down on their lives?

Ah, now I'm nervous.

Parker

So, remember last night when you were playing with your pretend friends?

They're not pretend. They're just not in the same room as me.

Parker

They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend. Remember when you took the thingy with the glowing thingy and used it to kill the guy who was on the shiny stuff and also there was all this magic?

[smiles] I think so

Parker

That was so cool. I mean how many people here are cool enough to kill the guy with the thing?

You're right. That was pretty cool.

Parker

Yeah [kisses his cheek and walks away]

No, but the fact that she thought it would work, that worked.