Lt. Van Buren quotes from Law & Order

Briscoe

You had a beef with your boss?

Lt. Van Buren

His lady boss.

Curtis

She was coming on to me.

Briscoe

What?

Curtis

That's why I transferred here.

Briscoe

So can I transfer there?

Lt. Van Buren

Your conduct was unacceptable.

Curtis

Why? Cause I let a father discipline his kid?

Lt. Van Buren

No one lays a hand on a suspect in my interrogation room. Now that man was out of control and it was up to you to manage it.

Curtis

Well, that kid was out of control, and you know what scares me? That somebody like that can go to school with my daughter.

Lt. Van Buren

You think you're the only one who loses sleep? Look, if you don't like the way this place is run, transfer.

Briscoe

[about Max Schaeffer] If he did kill Webber, he's walkin' around with 50 grand traveling money in his pocket.

Lt. Van Buren

You think he's gonna run out on his grandson the same way the father did?

Curtis

You know, when we saw the kid, he was playin' a video game.

Briscoe

Yeah?

Curtis

A new PlayStation.

Lt. Van Buren

CD drive?

Curtis

Yeah, with, like, 6 games.

Lt. Van Buren

Ooh. Crash Bandicoot?

Briscoe

Uh, excuse me, young parents. My kids' idea of high technology was Barbie's convertible.

Briscoe

[about Van Buren's lawyer] Who's she, the new community affairs liaison?

Lt. Van Buren

[evasive] No. What do you have?

Curtis

Come on, L.T. What's up?

Lt. Van Buren

Better you hear it from me. She's my lawyer. I was up for captain. One Police Plaza passed me over.

Briscoe

You're suing the department?

Lt. Van Buren

Title VII -- they promoted a white woman with the same score on the exam. I have the seniority.

Briscoe

I'm sorry we asked.

Curtis

[about Christina Talbert's pregnancy] How could a mother miss something like that?

Lt. Van Buren

Wait till your daughters grow up.

First I killed Karen because she had a child by another man, then I killed her because she had my child?

Curtis

Because she wanted to keep your child.

Briscoe

And because everybody in your "just us white folks" executive suite was going to find out you're Black, Josh.

That's absurd. I mean, look at me.

Lt. Van Buren

I wanna talk to him.[Briscoe and Curtis leave] Hello, my brother. Damn, look at you. You did it. You passed. You know, I thought up close, I'd be able to tell, but I swear I can't. So, what's it like when it's just you and them? You laugh along when they tell jokes? Oh, you know what I'm talkin' about, right? Or do you tell nigger jokes, too, just to keep up appearances?

If you don't mind...

Lt. Van Buren

Oh, am I sitting too close? I remind you of somebody? Your mother? Was she dark-skinned? High yellow? Redbone? You scared now, aren't you? You've been scared for almost 40 years, and all that fear came gushing out Sunday morning. You panicked, isn't that right? You go ahead, tell me what happened. Take the weight off, my brother. You'll feel better.

Briscoe

Some other people we talked to said May was shy, but everybody liked her. Fun, not wild, a little naïve. If she'd been a little more streetwise...

Lt. Van Buren

...maybe she would have been killed on the street.

Lt. Van Buren

[having heard of Briscoe's testimony] Where the hell do you get off pullin' a stunt like this?

Briscoe

They were gonna dismiss the charges.

Lt. Van Buren

So you lied to a judge?

Briscoe

I didn't lie.

Lt. Van Buren

I'm lookin' at the transcript, Lennie. You're an inch away from perjury!

Briscoe

More like a foot, foot and a half.

Lt. Van Buren

[slams the transcript on her desk] I am not laughing. How dare you go behind my back on somethin' like this.

Briscoe

We owe this girl something. We called her a liar, and we sent her straight into Lowery's arms. Well, I don't think she lied, and that's what I said.

Curtis

And thanks to you, Lowery's gonna walk.

Briscoe

What the hell's that supposed to mean? I stopped him from walking.

Curtis

What, for a couple of minutes? His lawyer just subpoenaed me to testify at the trial. For the defense!

Briscoe

Fine! So back me up.

Lt. Van Buren

One of my detectives lying under oath is more than enough! Thank you! That's it!

Can I leave?

Lt. Van Buren

Not for another 30 years.

Lt. Van Buren

Are you all so petty that you'd endanger the lives of the people we're supposed to protect?

Petty? The department has better ways to spend its resources than defending itself against petty lawsuits.

Lt. Van Buren

I was within my rights. The department promoted a white woman with less seniority. Maybe you all forgot, but we can sit at the lunch counter now!

Briscoe

[about Affirmative Action] You wouldn't have gotten any complaints from me; it came in after I joined the department and it'll still be there when I'm gone.

Curtis

Well you wouldn't have liked my answers. When I was filling out my application, when it asked about race, I checked 'none of the above'.

Carmichael

Well I'd like to think I got where I am on my own merit.

Lt. Van Buren

So would I, but I got 2,000 pages of legal documents that say contrary.

McCoy

I wanna know how this disaster happened.

Briscoe

Best guess, Ricci was followed from work.

McCoy

Why wasn't a police officer stationed in the apartment?!

Lt. Van Buren

In a one-bedroom? That would've been cozy. We tried putting someone downstairs in the vestibule, but the tenants complained!

McCoy

Lieutenant, I don't have to tell you...!

Lt. Van Buren

No. You don't. We're treating this like Ricci was one of our own. What are you gonna do about this retrial?

McCoy

I don't know.

Lt. Van Buren

[to Briscoe] You were never a kid?

Green

Old Spice forgot to take his gingko.

Green

I heard the news. We get the gun, they toss it. We get the confession.

Briscoe

We?

Green

I've been sayin' "we" to cover your ass, outta respect for you.

Briscoe

I don't need that kinda respect.

Green

Good, 'cause I've been walkin' on eggshells ever since we caught this case.

Briscoe

'Bout as long as you've been pissin' me off.

Green

Pissing you off?! Why? 'Cause I don't blend in with the rest of the roaches?

Briscoe

Oh, is that what this is about?! Because you know that's not how I meant that!

Green

No, no, no. I will tell you what I know. If it wasn't for your screw-ups, we'd have nailed this guy a long time ago!

Briscoe

My screw-ups?! Your stuff's been gettin' thrown outta court ever since you got here!

Green

Well, maybe I take chances, because my partner can't get it up!

Briscoe

[throws the transcript at his partner] Maybe you just get off on takin' chances!

Lt. Van Buren

BRISCOE!

Lt. Van Buren

In my office!

Lt. Van Buren

What's goin' on?

Briscoe

I'm done workin' with Green.

Lt. Van Buren

The hell you are!

Briscoe

I don't need him second-guessing everything I do.

Lt. Van Buren

Green's not your problem.

Briscoe

Then what is my problem? You tell me.

Lt. Van Buren

That's what I'm tryin' to figure out.

Briscoe

You think I'm too old to cut it?!

Lt. Van Buren

Whoa! Now, where's that comin' from?

Briscoe

From the flavor of the month out there.

Lt. Van Buren

You've been here 6 years. You know I don't play favorites.

Briscoe

Well, 6 years should count for somethin' more than my pension.

Lt. Van Buren

Look, I'm behind you, Lennie. But I believe this case is messin' with you.

Briscoe

This case pans out the same whether I'm 25 or 75!

Lt. Van Buren

Right. I'm glad you feel that way. So, pull yourself together, because it isn't over.