Lt. Van Buren quotes from Law & Order

Briscoe

You see, whoever raped Cecilia used a condom, except some of his little guys got away from him. That's why we took your blood, Taylor.

That doesn't concern me one bit.

Lt. Van Buren

[walks into room with a folder] The lab results are in. The DNA found at the scene matches the sample we took from the sheets.

Briscoe

Ooh! You should have been more careful when removing your party hat, Ken.

Lt. Van Buren

[Reading Todd's fan mail] Oh this is lovely: "You write worse than an uneducated trout."

Briscoe

If I was the fish, I'd take offense.

Green

The husbands called. They want to get this all settled out with their shrinks.

Lt. Van Buren

Oh, good. One for each of you.

My dealings with the police have been a joke.

Lt. Van Buren

You haven't dealt with me, Miss Powers.

Lt. Van Buren

What kind of idiot arranges a pickup for ransom money?

Briscoe

The kind of idiot whose license plates read "HOSE MONKEY".

Lt. Van Buren

[reading the ballistics report on a homicide] Hollow-point. Double the damage, double the fun.

Briscoe

This lady picked the wrong guy to get into a traffic jam with.

Lt. Van Buren

That's why I don't even honk my horn anymore.

Van Buren

Closing that case got me noticed, Lennie. And I used to hear the whispers and the chatter behind my back. "She got it 'cause she's black, she got it 'cause she's a woman." And I never listened to that crap because I knew I had earned it.

Briscoe

You made lieutenant because you're a great cop. All the drսg collars you made, all the killers you put behind bars. This one case isn't gonna undo all of that.

Van Buren

I'm not so sure, Lennie. I'm not so sure.

Van Buren

I want to know why you did it. Those were people's lives you were playing with,

You know, I don't recall you crying so hard when you made first grade off this case.

Van Buren

I never knew you lied!

Oh, please! You people come in, you give me the evidence. You tell me, "See what you can come up with, Lisa." And I gave you exactly what you wanted. And you know what? You are the worst kind of hypocrite. And are you really gonna sit there and tell me that you don't blur the boundaries? Go home and look in the mirror, Anita. And when you do, you ask yourself is it right that I'm in here and you're not?

Lt. Van Buren

What is it with the male of the species?

Briscoe

Got a couple of months?

Lt. Van Buren

I'm referring to the way you can just about melt in front of a guy who can hit a ball with a bat.

Green

All I said was that if the kid stays healthy, he's a lock for Cooperstown.

Lt. Van Buren

Yeah, only it was how you said it.

Green

How'd I say it?

Lt. Van Buren

Like a 6-year-old talking about a banana split.

Lt. Van Buren

5 hours? I hope to hell he called you in the morning.

Green

Hey, the best way to get a drunk to open his mouth is to let him drink, isn't that right, Lennie?

Briscoe

Hear, hear!

Lt. Van Buren

You make one hell of a bad cop!

Briscoe

Practice, practice, practice. I give him about 10 minutes with Ed before he starts to sing.

Lt. Van Buren

Our luck, he sings as bad as he lies.

Lt. Van Buren

When are people gonna learn a car just isn't worth it?

Briscoe

Well, it was a Cadillac.

Lt. Van Buren

Twenty-three people are dead because of an opera?

Briscoe

The Germans. Whaddaya gonna do?

Lt. Van Buren

Can I help you?

I'm Fontana.

Lt. Van Buren

Oh, hey, Anita Van Buren. This is your new partner.

Green

Hey, man. Ed Green.

It's about time they gave me a partner with a little smooth.

Green

[as Fontana leaves] Wasn't sure if he was a cop or a wiseguy.

Lt. Van Buren

Make it work, Ed.