Lennie Briscoe quotes from Law & Order

Green

A civil court judge needs a gun?

Briscoe

Maybe she hands out too much alimony.

Green

I heard the news. We get the gun, they toss it. We get the confession.

Briscoe

We?

Green

I've been sayin' "we" to cover your ass, outta respect for you.

Briscoe

I don't need that kinda respect.

Green

Good, 'cause I've been walkin' on eggshells ever since we caught this case.

Briscoe

'Bout as long as you've been pissin' me off.

Green

Pissing you off?! Why? 'Cause I don't blend in with the rest of the roaches?

Briscoe

Oh, is that what this is about?! Because you know that's not how I meant that!

Green

No, no, no. I will tell you what I know. If it wasn't for your screw-ups, we'd have nailed this guy a long time ago!

Briscoe

My screw-ups?! Your stuff's been gettin' thrown outta court ever since you got here!

Green

Well, maybe I take chances, because my partner can't get it up!

Briscoe

[throws the transcript at his partner] Maybe you just get off on takin' chances!

Lt. Van Buren

BRISCOE!

Lt. Van Buren

In my office!

Lt. Van Buren

What's goin' on?

Briscoe

I'm done workin' with Green.

Lt. Van Buren

The hell you are!

Briscoe

I don't need him second-guessing everything I do.

Lt. Van Buren

Green's not your problem.

Briscoe

Then what is my problem? You tell me.

Lt. Van Buren

That's what I'm tryin' to figure out.

Briscoe

You think I'm too old to cut it?!

Lt. Van Buren

Whoa! Now, where's that comin' from?

Briscoe

From the flavor of the month out there.

Lt. Van Buren

You've been here 6 years. You know I don't play favorites.

Briscoe

Well, 6 years should count for somethin' more than my pension.

Lt. Van Buren

Look, I'm behind you, Lennie. But I believe this case is messin' with you.

Briscoe

This case pans out the same whether I'm 25 or 75!

Lt. Van Buren

Right. I'm glad you feel that way. So, pull yourself together, because it isn't over.

[to his attorney] Charles, do something!

Briscoe

Yeah, counselor, why don't you click your heels 3 times and say there's no place like home.

Briscoe

You see, whoever raped Cecilia used a condom, except some of his little guys got away from him. That's why we took your blood, Taylor.

That doesn't concern me one bit.

Lt. Van Buren

[walks into room with a folder] The lab results are in. The DNA found at the scene matches the sample we took from the sheets.

Briscoe

Ooh! You should have been more careful when removing your party hat, Ken.

Briscoe

Guy's juggling at least three lady friends. Must be putting something extra in his tank.

Green

Jealous?

Rodgers

Right now, I've got to get a javelin out of somebody's chest.

Briscoe

What made you go into this line of work?

Rodgers

Free javelins.

Couple in an apartment across the street heard some screaming and called 9-1-1.

Briscoe

Concerned citizens. Must be new in town.

Green

How many of these have you done?

Briscoe

Stakeouts?

Green

No, dead babies.

Briscoe

We don't know for sure the baby's dead.

Green

Right.

Briscoe

To answer your question, too many.

Green

This is my first.

Briscoe

That's too many.

[about Jimmy] Sometimes he came and stood near the confessional. I was hoping he'd come in, but you can't make someone confess.

Briscoe

Wanna bet?

Green

[finding a receipt on a murder victim's person] Mr. Hoss paid for a meal at Cafe Rouge, 8:16, tonight.

Briscoe

Dinner for two?

Green

Looks like it.

Briscoe

Hope he enjoyed it.

Lt. Van Buren

[Reading Todd's fan mail] Oh this is lovely: "You write worse than an uneducated trout."

Briscoe

If I was the fish, I'd take offense.

Green

[about the victim] Man's keeping secrets.

Briscoe

Yeah, he's also dropping money on dinners like I do on a new car.

Green

[of the victim] Last time anybody saw him, he was leaving his apartment at around 10:30.

We saw two male blacks hanging out about then. We circled a few times, let him know we were on him.

Green

What do you mean, hanging out?

You know, standing around.

Briscoe

What did they look like?

Average height. Late teens, early 20s. Dark clothes.

Briscoe

That the best you can do?

Yeah. We don't make detailed notes on every Tom, Dick and Harry. They weren't bothering anybody.

Green

Then why did you notice them at all?

Because we get paid to.

Isn't it great to say exactly what you feel?

Briscoe

I tried that with my first wife.