Lennie Briscoe quotes from Law & Order

Curtis

See what you got me into?

Briscoe

Yeah, I got you a date with a good looking woman. I'm a real son of a bitch.

How perfect is this? Cops talkin' to a donut guy.

Curtis

Yeah. Tell us about the customer who came in just before the girl. The one who cleaned his hands?

Barely a customer. He takes about 50 napkins, and then he starts to leave. Well, after I call him on it, he orders a coffee, then thinks he's a big shot, because he tips be a quarter.[hands Briscoe his wastebasket] What I lost on napkins, I barely broke even!

Briscoe

Take these down to the lab.

Right.

Briscoe

[to the shop owner] Did he mention his name or say where he was comin' from or goin' to?

Nothin', except "gimme a coffee", and how if he wasn't gettin' married next week, he'd be puttin' the moves on the girl, which I thought that was outta line. But I didn't say anything, because it's not my business. My business is sellin' donuts.

Briscoe

Thanks for clearin' that up.

Can I say how I didn't mean to do it?

Briscoe

You mean how you only shot him 'cause he wouldn't give you his watch? Yeah, yeah. The DA'll like that.

Curtis

Listen, Jane, I could really use your help.

I told you, I never heard of this Joanie Timberman, and I just work for Miss Posner. We're not exactly girlfriends.

Curtis

Yeah, but you see her every day. You know what's going on. I gotta say, you strike me as a very perceptive person.

It's a good thing you're good-looking, honey, if that's the best line you can come up wth.

Briscoe

Sadly, it is.

Curtis

"Kill Zionists."

Briscoe

Good thing he wasn't a better shot.

Briscoe

[searching a suspect's apartment] Good champagne, but it's dusty.

Curtis

And this caviar has mold.

Briscoe

[about Van Buren's lawyer] Who's she, the new community affairs liaison?

Lt. Van Buren

[evasive] No. What do you have?

Curtis

Come on, L.T. What's up?

Lt. Van Buren

Better you hear it from me. She's my lawyer. I was up for captain. One Police Plaza passed me over.

Briscoe

You're suing the department?

Lt. Van Buren

Title VII -- they promoted a white woman with the same score on the exam. I have the seniority.

Briscoe

I'm sorry we asked.

Briscoe

Dale! Now, let's do this the easy way. All right? Just open the door, and come out nice and slow!

I can't.

Curtis

We're not gonna hurt you.

I got no pants.

Curtis

It's just us guys out here, Dale. Nothin' we haven't seen before.

Either I get my pants, or I don't come out.

Briscoe

[grabs Tagger's pants] All right, Dale. Here. Here. Look out the keyhole now. See? Here's your pants. Now, I'm tossin' 'em to ya.

Briscoe

All you have to do is reach out and grab 'em. Go ahead.

Okay. I'm openin' up the door.

OW! No! Liar! I want my pants!

Curtis

[takes him away] Why, Dale? I don't see anything here worth covering up.

Briscoe

So what happened to the dog?

It's with my partner.

Briscoe

Where's your partner?

Lincoln Hospital. Paramedics couldn't pry the dog from his butt.

Briscoe

What kind of dog?

Chihuahua.

Briscoe

Let me know how they word the commendation.

Curtis

You ever pay for it, Lennie?

Briscoe

I was married, wasn't I?

First I killed Karen because she had a child by another man, then I killed her because she had my child?

Curtis

Because she wanted to keep your child.

Briscoe

And because everybody in your "just us white folks" executive suite was going to find out you're Black, Josh.

That's absurd. I mean, look at me.

Lt. Van Buren

I wanna talk to him.[Briscoe and Curtis leave] Hello, my brother. Damn, look at you. You did it. You passed. You know, I thought up close, I'd be able to tell, but I swear I can't. So, what's it like when it's just you and them? You laugh along when they tell jokes? Oh, you know what I'm talkin' about, right? Or do you tell nigger jokes, too, just to keep up appearances?

If you don't mind...

Lt. Van Buren

Oh, am I sitting too close? I remind you of somebody? Your mother? Was she dark-skinned? High yellow? Redbone? You scared now, aren't you? You've been scared for almost 40 years, and all that fear came gushing out Sunday morning. You panicked, isn't that right? You go ahead, tell me what happened. Take the weight off, my brother. You'll feel better.

Briscoe

OK, let me see if I got this straight: Stanley Somebody who's a fashion photographer someplace, lives in some apartment probably in a building at 114th and Riverside, and has a message about a murder of somebody who might be named Dee-dee.

That's right!

Briscoe

Yeah, thanks for coming in.

Briscoe

Divorce lawyers: God's way of telling you to stay single.

Curtis

Or married.

Briscoe

Some other people we talked to said May was shy, but everybody liked her. Fun, not wild, a little naïve. If she'd been a little more streetwise...

Lt. Van Buren

...maybe she would have been killed on the street.

Lt. Van Buren

[having heard of Briscoe's testimony] Where the hell do you get off pullin' a stunt like this?

Briscoe

They were gonna dismiss the charges.

Lt. Van Buren

So you lied to a judge?

Briscoe

I didn't lie.

Lt. Van Buren

I'm lookin' at the transcript, Lennie. You're an inch away from perjury!

Briscoe

More like a foot, foot and a half.

Lt. Van Buren

[slams the transcript on her desk] I am not laughing. How dare you go behind my back on somethin' like this.

Briscoe

We owe this girl something. We called her a liar, and we sent her straight into Lowery's arms. Well, I don't think she lied, and that's what I said.

Curtis

And thanks to you, Lowery's gonna walk.

Briscoe

What the hell's that supposed to mean? I stopped him from walking.

Curtis

What, for a couple of minutes? His lawyer just subpoenaed me to testify at the trial. For the defense!

Briscoe

Fine! So back me up.

Lt. Van Buren

One of my detectives lying under oath is more than enough! Thank you! That's it!