Lennie Briscoe quotes from Law & Order

Briscoe

What's your relationship with Liza?

I'm Liza. As in Minelli. See the resemblance?

Briscoe

You're a drag queen.

A female impersonator. I dress up for work the same as you do, detective.

Briscoe

Yeah, only I don't have to tuck in so much.

Briscoe

You had a beef with your boss?

Lt. Van Buren

His lady boss.

Curtis

She was coming on to me.

Briscoe

What?

Curtis

That's why I transferred here.

Briscoe

So can I transfer there?

Curtis

Daddy's little helper.

Briscoe

Yeah, I used to have one of those.

How am I supposed to stay in business?

Briscoe

You know what? I don't think you're supposed to.

[sarcastically] A tall Black teenager. It figures - he's a criminal and he plays basketball!

Briscoe

Well, we'll check out your chess team next.

Briscoe

You know, it wouldn't be so terrible.

What's that?

Briscoe

If you were my kid.

I guess I should take that as a compliment.

Briscoe

Hey, you're smart, you're pretty, you got a good job, and you don't hate my guts.

Lennie, I doubt your daughter hates you.

Briscoe

Oh, you don't know her, you don't know her. [laughs ruefully] I don't even know her. I never will.

McCoy

[about Kincaid's death] You know, a few weeks before it happened, she told me she wanted to quit. I persuaded her to stay.

Briscoe

Yeah, well ... I could have walked past that bar.

Briscoe

There's two empty wine glasses in the sink.

Curtis

There's two empty condom wrappers over there. The near-perfect Sunday afternoon.

Briscoe

Yeah: I'd almost trade places with him.

Briscoe

[searching Peterson's apartment] Nice suits, nice carpet. You could put a swimming pool in that closet.

Curtis

Yeah Lennie, but is he happy?

Briscoe

I'd be ecstatic.

Curtis

5 of us are watching and Flynn's the only one to see Morales reach for his gun.

Briscoe

Hey, Sonny Liston got knocked on his ass by a punch nobody saw.

Briscoe

You get off on that, Judge? Humiliating innocent people?

Are you upset because your corroborating witness is a liar and a slut?

Briscoe

You sick son of a bitch!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Briscoe

You and Flynn deserve each other. I hope you both rot in hell.

Briscoe

[about Max Schaeffer] If he did kill Webber, he's walkin' around with 50 grand traveling money in his pocket.

Lt. Van Buren

You think he's gonna run out on his grandson the same way the father did?

Curtis

You know, when we saw the kid, he was playin' a video game.

Briscoe

Yeah?

Curtis

A new PlayStation.

Lt. Van Buren

CD drive?

Curtis

Yeah, with, like, 6 games.

Lt. Van Buren

Ooh. Crash Bandicoot?

Briscoe

Uh, excuse me, young parents. My kids' idea of high technology was Barbie's convertible.

Curtis

How many child support payments did you ever miss, Lennie?

Briscoe

My ex just kept my checkbook. If I ever forgot, she knew how to forge my signature.

Curtis

She left me, Lennie! She took the kids and split. She wants me out of the house.

Briscoe

Why? What happened?

Curtis

I broke my vows with this girl in the park. Just a one-time thing.

Briscoe

How'd Deborah find out?

Curtis

I told her.

Briscoe

Your second mistake.

Who told you she had breast implants?

Briscoe

We're the police. We know everything.