Lennie Briscoe quotes from Law & Order

Logan

The nuns at my school were less sanctimonious than that guy.

Briscoe

The nuns at your school never went to medical school. You know those MD plates gets you a better parking spot in heaven.

It's the best relationship I ever had with a man.

Briscoe

I thought it was supposed to be anonymous.

That's exactly my point.

Logan

Brother. And I thought I had it bad being brought up by 2 alcoholics.

Briscoe

I wonder which mommy's gonna teach him how to smoke and drink.

Logan

And shave.

Briscoe

Well, it's the '90s. Everybody's allowed to be gross and disgusting, not just you.

Logan

Well, all I know is I had one mommy, and she did enough ball-breaking for one lifetime.

McCoy

I'm sorry about the cross-examination, detective, I just had to rule Palley out as a suspect.

Briscoe

Hey, no problem. They pay me plenty to look like an idiot.

Logan

You know, the more I talk to these guys, it reminds me why I stay single.

Briscoe

You mean it's not just the quality time you get to spend with yourself?

Logan

Wow. That's almost a clue.

Lt. Van Buren

And it beats heavy lifting.

Briscoe

What?

Logan

It's Anita's sense of humor.

Lt. Van Buren

Lieutenant Anita to you.

[while going through a dumpster for evidence] Last time we sifted a dumpster, the investigating officer got in there himself.

Briscoe

That's fascinating. I think you missed a spot over there.

Briscoe

My respect for Durban is growing by the hour.

Logan

Yeah, he's so smart he's dead.

Briscoe

When I was growing up around here, the worst thing that could happen to you was skinning your knee while playing Johnny-on-the-pony.

Curtis

Yeah, well, I don't remember things being so rosy when I was a kid.

Briscoe

When was that, last week?

Curtis

He goes to NYU. I guess he wanted to see how the other half lived.

Briscoe

They don't live for long.

Lt. Van Buren

[reading a student's poem] "The more I stab you the more I want you."

Briscoe

Sounds like Gershwin.

Lt. Van Buren

Damn. My college's idea of sex in literature was Jane Eyre.

[accused of electrocuting horses] Trust me, sir. The horses don't feel a thing.

Briscoe

I'd like to shoot 120 volts through his rectum and see what he says then.

We wasn't doin' nothin'!

Briscoe

Oh, yeah? And just where wasn't you doin' it?

I didn't see nothing, I don't know nothing, and I don't want to know nothing.

Briscoe

Sort of a Zen thing, huh Frances? Keep your life clean and simple?

I don't know.

Briscoe

[about Weber] If he loved his kids that much, he'd have been home to tuck them in.

Curtis

You tell me you never drank too much and blacked out.

Briscoe

Hey, I missed the entire Carter Administration, but I was always home for breakfast.