DS Matt Devlin quotes from Law & Order: UK

DS Ronnie Brooks

So is this still an HQ for Toms?

Yeah. Might explain why his John Thomas is hanging out. Blowus interruptus, if you ask me.

DI Natalie Chandler

So why's he got his ninky nonk out when they find him?

DS Matt Devlin

[stifling a laugh] You don't really call it a 'ninky nonk'?

DI Natalie Chandler

Should hear what I call you.

DS Matt Devlin

What, you took a lipstick trace off his...

Wangdoodle. Oh, yeah.

DS Matt Devlin

Bloke was murdered under the bridge last night. You hear anything about that?

Bit buff for a cop, you are, aren't you?

DS Ronnie Brooks

Do you mind, love? His head's big enough already without you adding to it.

DS Matt Devlin

I became a 'tec for the glamour. What happens? Spend most of my nights trolling through paperwork with you.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Yeah? Well, you can bet your life Frank McCallum did exactly the same when he was on the job. Just remember why you're doing this, Matt.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Maybe if we get it forensicated?

[As Ronnie grins] Forensicated isn’t a word!!

...traces of assorted human detritus - mostly exfoliated skin and the parasites that feed on it. Stuff you'd fine in your mattress

DS Matt Devlin

Not in my mattress [Alesha laughs, Ronnie recoils]

DS Matt Devlin

Dad was born 1939, Upton Park, East 50

DS Ronnie Brooks

Ah, so his dad got him into the Hammers

DI Natalie Chandler

Sorry?

DS Matt Devlin

West Ham. Commonly known as the Hammers 'cos they keep getting hammered...

DS Ronnie Brooks

Watch it, Sunshine!

DS Matt Devlin

I thought... I thought you'd understand as a woman. I thought...

DI Natalie Chandler

As a woman, I'd like to cut off his dick with a rusty hacksaw and ram it down his throat!

DS Matt Devlin

If it's not that crew, who else would want to remove a man's kidney?

DS Ronnie Brooks

Religious cult?

DS Matt Devlin

Nah, they're normally after the heart. That or they rip the eyes out.

DS Matt Devlin

What? I've read about them. Doesn't mean I'm in one, all right?

DI Natalie Chandler

And what's the one thing money can't buy?

DS Matt Devlin

Love.

DS Ronnie Brooks

A kidney on the NHS.

DS Matt Devlin

Want us to pick you up anything while we're there (at your flat)? Books, clothes?

Can of beer from the fridge. One kidney. Shouldn't take me that long to get hammered.

DS Ronnie Brooks

We'll get you a milkshake.

Always wanted to do repairs. If it was good enough for Kylie in Neighbours, it was good enough for me!

DS Matt Devlin

Wasn't she a mechanic?

Hmmm. Might have known you'd be a Kylie fan.

DS Ronnie Brooks

[searching the council dump] You'd be surprised what people chuck out. That sofa bed in my spare room, for instance.

DS Matt Devlin

No. I've slept in that! You said that was from Ikea!

DS Ronnie Brooks

Well, it was originally, yeah.

We gave her three ampoules of Naloxone, no response. Convulsions, severe bleeding. Eighteen years old and she died of biventricular heart failure.

DS Matt Devlin

Eighteen and she died of a heart attack?

DS Ronnie Brooks

Well, that's young. What was it, coke?

Heroin.

DS Matt Devlin

Was she a regular user?

No, she was a swallower. That's her bag. We found seventy heroin-filled condoms in her stomach.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Did you say seventy? Seven zero?

DS Ronnie Brooks

I can't go in that witness box. It's complicated.

DS Matt Devlin

You're a copper, Ron. You live for this job, and they could charge you with perverting the course of justice. Be the end of you, mate.

DS Ronnie Brooks

I've admitted I've made mistakes, okay? And I've put 'em right. But I'm the best I can be now, Matt, truly, I am. So when do I get a break, eh? When do I get forgiven? I didn't take that heroin. You believe me, don't you?

DS Matt Devlin

Of course.

DS Ronnie Brooks

My old man used to say, 'There's no such thing as a friend. Friends will always let you down.' I used to look at him and think, 'What a miserable old bastard.' I'd argue with him and say, 'Dad, you're wrong, mate.' Huh, I'll tell you what, Matty, I bet he's looking down at me now, laughing his head off.

DS Matt Devlin

Look, Ron, it gives me no pleasure...

DS Ronnie Brooks

Jimmy Valentine bought my fish for me today, all right? It felt like he was buying me off.